kcombs14 is offline kcombs14 Post #1  January 30,2011, 10:02pm
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Help! Im in a situation and I dont know what to do! Im 20 years old and my current girlfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years! We started off when we were really young but have really grown to love each other. In the last year we have started talking about getting married and everything, but just in the last week I met this attractive girl who is interested in me. From just meeting her and talking for a few minutes I have developed a bad crush. I feel horrible for it because my current girlfriend would do anything for me and has no idea i have these feelings for someone else. However, I see this new girl 2 or 3 times a week at college and I cant seem to get her off my mind. I really dont know what to do and my stomach is in a constant knot. I have someone who loves and cares about me soo much but yet I feel like im falling for another person I have just met and dont really even know. Someone give me some advice please!! I dont know if I should just do my best to forget this new girl and continue on in my current relationship or go through the horrible process of breaking my girlfriends heart for someone I barely know!
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  January 31,2011, 3:46am
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You are not ready to settle down.
kcombs14 wrote :
Im 20 years old and my current girlfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years!

However, I see this new girl 2 or 3 times a week at college and I cant seem to get her off my mind.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #3  January 31,2011, 9:45am
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Your loyalty to your girlfriend is admirable, but until now it has never really been tested. Going to college opens up the world to you, and the world includes lots of interesting and attractive people.

I would strongly encourage you to put a stop to the talk about marriage with your girlfriend. Even if you were not so young, the fact that you are having romantic feelings about another woman means that you are not ready.

It's going to be hard, but you are going to have to tell your girlfriend that you want to start seeing other women.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is online now Dropdeadredtx Post #4  January 31,2011, 9:55am
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Wiseman2 wrote :
You are not ready to settle down.
Ditto. Not even close.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  January 31,2011, 10:02am
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Maybe it's just me, but I think to some degree it's natural to still have slight crushes or attraction to people from time to time, even if you're in a relationship. A commitment to someone doesn't stop you from still noticing people of the opposite sex. To me, what gives me more pause is the fact that you seem so torn over this and that you're considering pursuing it and breaking up with your girlfriend. That to me suggests that there is more going on and that this is bigger than an innocent crush.

I think this is what's very hard about dating and getting into such a serious relationship when you're young. Not sure what your dating experience was before your girlfriend, but if she is your only serious relationship it can be hard to know if you find the relationship fulfilling without much to compare it to. It's also hard because I think in many ways your late teens and early 20's (especially if you are in college) are about figuring out and exploring who you are and trying out different things that fit, be it a major, a city, or a relationship. Often times things that were status quo and unquestioned in high school, suddenly get seen in a different light when you leave that environment and go to college. I'm not being so negative as to say that all young relationships are doomed (because clearly quite many work out) but I do think it is hard.

It sounds like you and your girlfriend have a lot of shared history so before you make any decisions I would think on it a little bit. If it were me, I would ask myself the following questions: What do I find satisfying about my current relationship? What might be lacking? Why did I want to get married? Now that I've met this new girl, do these reasons still hold? What is it about the new girl that is so appealing?

I think a lot of these can shed light on where you should go or what you should do. If you find that the only reason you are still with your girlfriend is because you don't want to put her through the hurt of breaking up with her I appreciate your strong concern for her feelings, but you are doing both of you a disservice by keeping the relationship going it you do decide you are deeply dissatisfied.
 
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tinaroonie is offline tinaroonie Post #6  January 31,2011, 4:16pm
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I wouldn't do anything rash at this point. I agree with the person that said you should stop talking about marriage with your current girlfriend. You are young, you can do that in the future. I think you really need to sort your feelings out here, but don't just break up with your current girlfriend, because you are crushing on another girl you don't know. How much do you know about this college girl? Is she even available? You might want to talk to her, ask her about herself, in an innocent way. I mean, like if you're in class together, maybe you could go for lunch one day, study together one day, see if there is even an attraction to go on. If there is, then you should weigh your feelings for both girls, maybe make a list (I'm a huge fan of lists) of the pros and cons of both. Then you can see what the logical next step is. Good luck, whatever you decide.
 
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keresenzia is offline keresenzia Post #7  January 31,2011, 4:25pm
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Definately stop talking about marriage. However, do not do anything with another woman when you are with someone - it changes everything forever...
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #8  January 31,2011, 5:00pm

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oh I disagree. Having romantic feelings/crushes for someone else. does NOT mean you are not ready for marriage.

Being an adult and ready for marriage means you understand you will probably continue to have those types of feelings for people, as that is natural, and you will realize that the grass is not always greener, even if it were, you have made a comittment to one person and you will remove the temptations from your life and you will not flirt or encourage such behavior.

If we wait until we stop having crushes we will never get married. You have to realize that marrige is a choice and a comittment.

Now, you are 20 and I agree you are probably too young for marriage.

I'd suggest considering breaking up and being totally honest with your girlfriend.

Then you need to realize the reason you are breaking up. It's not because of this other girl (there will be more girls). It's because you are not ready to commit totally to one person, you are probably the type though that needs to experience this and not be told this.

You both still have a lot of learning and growth. 20 is so very young.

I just hope you don't string your girlfriend along, cut her loose so she can begin her journey along in life too.
 
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kcombs14 is offline kcombs14 Post #9  January 31,2011, 7:51pm
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Thanks everyone for all the replies. I do see the point that I should probably stop thinking about marrriage, but at this point in my life and in my current relationship, I have felt that that is the next step. In a year and 1/2 i had planned on moving and possibly getting married to this girl I have been with. I love her soo much and care about her beyond words, but for some reason I am being tested by this whole situation. I cant comprehend hurting her and she has no idea of my current feelings. I think I am going to give it some time and see if these feelings for this other girl go away before too hastily cutting off my current relationship, but definetly have to think more about whether or not marriage is even close to really being considered.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #10  February 3,2011, 3:26pm
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kcombs14 wrote :
at this point in my life and in my current relationship, I have felt that that is the next step.
This is the same reason MOST people get married these days ~ because they think they're supposed to, or it's what they're supposed to want, or it's the "next step".... THESE ARE NOT REASONS TO GET MARRIED!!!!!! Marriage out of obligation is sure divorce later and many years of lost opportunities and life regretted. DON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE!!!!

Now, this isn't to say your current gf is NOT the one you're supposed to be with ~ but you certainly shouldn't be marring her because "i'm supposed to at this stage". I mean if you just red that it's obvious how that is not love and a reason to marry

kcombs14 wrote :
I think I am going to give it some time and see if these feelings for this other girl go away before too hastily cutting off my current relationship
Yes this is the best thing to do. You need to tell yourself and stick to this, that this "other girl" is JUST a friend, and you are JUST friends. That's it! Force yourself NOT to date her or get romantic with her for at the very least a whole semester, if not a whole year.

Why? It's quite simple. If it was just infatuation or some "fun little fling" for your mind, it will have long died down a long time ago before a year comes up. But, and again you must spend the next year FORCING yourself NOT to see or think of this other girl in a romantic way at all, if it just feels that right and good after a full year .. then maybe there's something to it. And it's time to re-evaluate.

LAST bit of advice. All those thoughts you have for this other girl ~ ask yourself why those thoughts are there with her and not your current gf? Think LESS about "omg is this other girl the one i should be with and she's so great this and that"... and MORE about "hey... isn't MY girl that and even more over these 6 yrs too? Didn't I also think that about my girl and felt that way about her all these years too?"

In other words.. stop concentrating on what things are with this other girl..... and start concentrating on what you have with YOUR girl and what you can do to improve thigns with YOUR girl. What is it that you are doing/feeling with "other girl"? Start doing and feeling those thigns with girlfriend. (ex. if you are complimenting other girl on how cute she looks now and then... ask yourslef if you've been doing that to GIRLFRIEND too?)

You see.. it very well could be that this girl is reacting to you bc you are doing the thigns to her that you use dto do to girlfriend but are not doing to girlfriend anymore. Make sure you are keeping up with your gf and not letting it go stagnant!

Good luck.

Richey
 
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