poolplayer is offline poolplayer Post #1  November 27,2010, 3:53pm
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I am 3 years older than a girl I once knew when I was 21.........I'm now 47, never been married, and no children. She has never been legaly married, but was with the father of her children for 10 years.........I always had feelings for her, but wasn't sure what they were ( I'm now sure I love her )...........After many failed relationships ( most because I compared them to her ), I decided to look for her..........It has taken me 15 years to find her. She is a single mother of 2 teenage girls, and has been for 12 years........We now live almost 2,000 miles apart from each other. I know that we need to rediscover one another...........but I can't help from feeling the attraction I once felt all those years ago. I feel as though god has meant for this to be ( at least for me ). My question is............. How do I endear her closer to me without her percieving me as so needy that it drives her away?????? And how can I advance our relationship.........( or at least maintaine it ) with 2,000 miles of distance between us?????????

Signed.......... In love and Confused.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  November 27,2010, 4:12pm
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Does this woman know what your feelings are?

If no, you have better chance to win the lottery (and that would do more to make this unrequited love happen than anything we could ever help with.)

If yes, then what has she told you?

***

Your story, if this is new news and you tell it to her suddenly, is highly likely to scare her away.

It is going to be essential to manage your disclosure so as not to seem creepy or desperate.

***

I'm sorry, but my advise is to forget this.

I think it is monumentally improbable that you will convince her to even try a relationship - let alone that all the customary foundational matters will need to be sorted.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #3  November 27,2010, 4:37pm
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I can't tell from your post whether you have talked with her about this or not. Does she even know you have been looking for her?

It's much too soon to be in love with her if you haven't seen her in 25 years. You may be "in love" with the idea of her, or your memory of her, but you can't be in love with a person until you get to know them well. Someone on these boards recommends that you know a person through all four seasons before you decide if she is right for you.

Please take things carefully. Take the time to see what she is like now, and give her time to get to know you, too.

The distance thing is a problem. I recommend that after you have exchanged a few emails that you meet as soon as you can. Online we tend to love the person we imagine, not the person who is actually writing to us.

Good luck.
 
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poolplayer is offline poolplayer Post #4  January 28,2011, 9:31pm
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annother wrote :
I can't tell from your post whether you have talked with her about this or not. Does she even know you have been looking for her?

It's much too soon to be in love with her if you haven't seen her in 25 years. You may be "in love" with the idea of her, or your memory of her, but you can't be in love with a person until you get to know them well. Someone on these boards recommends that you know a person through all four seasons before you decide if she is right for you.

Please take things carefully. Take the time to see what she is like now, and give her time to get to know you, too.

The distance thing is a problem. I recommend that after you have exchanged a few emails that you meet as soon as you can. Online we tend to love the person we imagine, not the person who is actually writing to us.

Good luck.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  January 28,2011, 10:09pm
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If a guy I knew 25 years ago contacted me out of the blue and told me "You're the One" I would feel ... shocked? stalked? not sure, but not anything good. My first reaction would be "but you don't even know me anymore!"

If you seriously want to know her, I agree with annother's post -- you need to approach this as a new relationship, not one that's been continuing for 25 years.
 
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poolplayer is offline poolplayer Post #6  January 28,2011, 10:14pm
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We speek for at least 2 hours every day, and have since the begining of October. Some weekends we'll speek 2 or 3 times a day , for hours each conversation. We have spoken about social ( impersonal things ), as well as very personal ( Intamate things ). We have given each other Christmas presents this past year, and seem to be fond of each other, yet she seems to be very guarded. I can tell that, in some conversations, her words are chosen very carefully. She says she would like to see me, but is not in a rush to do so. What I have learned about her ( in the present day ) is that she is a loner. Not sure if this is because of her responsibilities ( to her children ), or the effects of her failed relationship with her childrens father.

She knows I spent 15 years looking for her, and that I have always cared a great deal for her. She calls and texts me as often, ( if not more ) than I do her. Not sure what to make of this or how to proceed. Help please!!!
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  January 28,2011, 10:20pm
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OK well that's different. From your earlier post I thought you had not contacted her yet.

I think you need to meet up in person, so the 2 of you can tell whether you've got something together or not. What is stopping you from visiting her?

You have already spent a very long time sort of in a relationship with her, with no contact with her ... so the relationship was just in your own head, right? Now you're in contact, but you're still keeping it sort of, by staying 2000 miles away.

If you want this relationship to grow and get more real, I really think you need to visit.
 
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poolplayer is offline poolplayer Post #8  January 28,2011, 11:18pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
OK well that's different. From your earlier post I thought you had not contacted her yet.

I think you need to meet up in person, so the 2 of you can tell whether you've got something together or not. What is stopping you from visiting her?

You have already spent a very long time sort of in a relationship with her, with no contact with her ... so the relationship was just in your own head, right? Now you're in contact, but you're still keeping it sort of, by staying 2000 miles away.

If you want this relationship to grow and get more real, I really think you need to visit.

I agree with meeting her, but she says she's not ready ( whatever the hell that suppose to mean ) to meet up yet. We knew each other ( in yesteryear, for 5 years ). Lost contact for the last 20 years. I have no problem with meeting up with her, but I want it to be on her terms. My problem is trying to understand just what her terms are. Because she is so gaurded........she will not say. Sure, I could fly out there.........., but if my timing is wrong I could ruin any chance I may have.........and after 15 years..........that's not a risk I want to take. While, at the same time if I wait to long I may loose out to someone in her town. My question is.......Is she just keeping herself occupied with me 'til something more convienent comes along?? Or is she just being very cautious??
 
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annother is offline annother Post #9  January 28,2011, 11:25pm
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poolplayer wrote :
We speek for at least 2 hours every day, and have since the begining of October. Some weekends we'll speek 2 or 3 times a day , for hours each conversation. We have spoken about social ( impersonal things ), as well as very personal ( Intamate things ). We have given each other Christmas presents this past year, and seem to be fond of each other, yet she seems to be very guarded. I can tell that, in some conversations, her words are chosen very carefully. She says she would like to see me, but is not in a rush to do so. What I have learned about her ( in the present day ) is that she is a loner. Not sure if this is because of her responsibilities ( to her children ), or the effects of her failed relationship with her childrens father.

She knows I spent 15 years looking for her, and that I have always cared a great deal for her. She calls and texts me as often, ( if not more ) than I do her. Not sure what to make of this or how to proceed. Help please!!!
Since you have spent a lot of time communication on the phone and Internet since October, I would say you were now at the point where you need to meet again in person. You don't want a pen pal. You want a partner.

Some of the things you wrote here (bolded) suggest to me that she is not so keen on starting a romantic relationship right now, and you should probably find out why that is. Perhaps there is another man in her life that you don't know about. Perhaps she has fears based on past problems. She may not even know herself.

The best way to discuss those very personal issues is in a face-to-face situation. No matter how far away she is, you need to travel to meet her. Plan to stay in a hotel or with a friend (if you have one in her city), so that she doesn't feel pressured.

Let her know that you are coming to her city for a few days and that you want to spend some time with her while you are there.
 
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farmerchick is offline farmerchick Post #10  January 29,2011, 11:32am
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This might be out there...but have you seen a (recent) picture of her? When I was younger...I was pretty darn hot. Fast forward 20 years and I weigh more than I should, my hair isn't as blond, I'm getting some wrinkles. I would have a hard time meeting up with someone I haven't seen for 20 years, I'd be afraid that he is thinking I'm the same person I as a youngster...looks/thoughts/ideals. I'd be fine talking with that person, but hesitant to meet up face to face.

Just a thought.
 
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