Do you stay friends with an ex that cheated on you?


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lucid_dream is offline lucid_dream Post #1  November 27,2010, 12:46am
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I'm 50/50.

The following is my reason posting this topic:
I wanted to marry her, she didn't. (Very similar to cp30, 10+ years ago). Except, instead of ending the relationship, she ended up cheating on me, and lied about it. lol

Anyway, that was about 2 years ago. A couple of weeks back, she contacted me and still wants to be friends. I ignored the message. I don't really stay friends with ex-es. But, she was the only person I did want to marry and we were once good friends. Oh, obviously I have no intention of ever dating her.

Anyway I was just curious to see what other people would do.

--added--
She did seem to be genuinely remorseful. I definitely didn't contact her, nonetheless.
Last edited by spacemummy; December 8,2010 at 11:19pm.
 
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Beachedgenie is offline Beachedgenie Post #2  November 27,2010, 12:56am
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It's been 2 weeks and you have not replied, that says something in and of itself. It says you're not interested in her ripping your heart out again.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #3  November 27,2010, 2:48am
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Dear SpaceMummy,

Welcome to eHarmony Advice (eHA) and thanks for posting.

In this case, I would advise not staying friends as in no longer having any contact with her.

You see, if you take up again with her - this time as friends - then your attention will be focused on her during your contacts and such rather than on someone who could become the love of your life.

Given that life is so short, wouldn't you rather spend whatever free time you have on your own interests and in finding someone that you want to marry and live with for the rest of your life?

Why take time and energy away from that with an ex-girlfriend who really has no future in your goals and dreams?

When you do meet someone, fall in love, and marry, your date, and later future wife, won't want you continuing a friendship with a girl you once loved. It will just get in the way of any new relationship you should develop. Therefore, let this one go. It's over, past, and that chapter of your life should remain closed - particularly as you said you have no intention of ever dating her.

Don't muddy the waters. Your future wife will appreciate this. Leave the past in the past and don't bring this particular part of you into the present and your future.

Write and let us know how it goes for you.

JavaJava5
Last edited by javajava5; November 27,2010 at 2:50am.
 
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lucid_dream is offline lucid_dream Post #4  November 27,2010, 4:09am
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Beachedgenie wrote :
It's been 2 weeks and you have not replied, that says something in and of itself. It says you're not interested in her ripping your heart out again.
Yes, that was my intention. I still haven't contacted her, either. I did move on. I just thought about talking to her for old times' sake. But, JavaJava5 is right. I should not muddy the water. Not to mention I would be insulting myself, if I were to talk to her ever again.

I have to say, I'm kind of surprised that she had enough guts to ask me to stay friends with her.

Anyway, thanks for the advice, JavaJava5.
 
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Quendy is offline Quendy Post #5  November 27,2010, 5:58am
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It's hard to be friends with someone who is okay with deceiving you. I know you loved the person you thought she was, but she showed you the person she really is when she cheated without caring to break up first. Your heart didn't matter then. It won't matter now. Walk away from her and towards people who cherish you and what you have to offer.
 
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Bill1104 is offline Bill1104 Post #6  November 27,2010, 6:52am
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spacemummy wrote :
Yes, that was my intention. I still haven't contacted her, either. I did move on. I just thought about talking to her for old times' sake. But, JavaJava5 is right. I should not muddy the water. Not to mention I would be insulting myself, if I were to talk to her ever again.

I have to say, I'm kind of surprised that she had enough guts to ask me to stay friends with her.

Anyway, thanks for the advice, JavaJava5.

Still Carrying The Torch Test
Fact situation: An ex-flame (one who has done you wrong) contacts you and wants to become "friends."

Choices
1. Ignore her and get on with your life.

2. Contact her and prove to the entire Western Civilization that you still have a soft spot in your heart for her.











Results
Those who have selected #1 have gone on to happy and prosperous lives.

Those who have selected #2 have spent the rest of their lives in denial and have ended up having to listen to the following from their best friends: "I told you not to call her but no, you knew better!!! You didn't listen to me when I said she was just going to do it to you again - I told you, I told you, I told you - you never listen - You dumb jerk, when are you ever going to learn!!!"
 
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wandering_star is offline wandering_star Post #7  November 27,2010, 8:26am
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nope. it's the worst disrespect i can think of, and i'm not able to put that away - cheating ruins everything. game over.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  November 27,2010, 10:01am
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spacemummy wrote :
I'm 50/50.

The following is my reason posting this topic:
I wanted to marry her, she didn't. (Very similar to cp30, 10+ years ago). Except, instead of ending the relationship, she ended up cheating on me, and lied about it. lol

Anyway, that was about 2 years ago. A couple of weeks back, she contacted me and still wants to be friends. I ignored the message. I don't really stay friends with ex-es. But, she was the only person I did want to marry and we were once good friends. Oh, obviously I have no intention of ever dating her.

Anyway I was just curious to see what other people would do.
If the relationship had just ended I would have advised you not to pursue a friendship. However, because time has passed and you sound like you are in place where you have moved on and see her only in a platonic fashion. If that is in fact true and you are also in a place where she has been truly remorseful about her actions and you have forgiven her, I see no harm in it. However, as others have said, I would only do this if you think you can continue in a platonic manner. If you reach a place where you start to develop feelings for her again I would proceed with caution.

That said, if someone did that to me I would question how good of a friend someone would really be to me in the future based on their past actions. My ex broke up with me almost a year ago and although he didn't cheat on me, I see no potential for us to be friends in the future. That is because when he broke up with me he was incredibly unapologetic for his actions and seemed to suggest he didn't feel bad about hurting me in the slightest. Because of this I am doubtful of his ability to ever be a true friend and personally would not pursue it.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #9  November 27,2010, 11:03am
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I will take the opposite angle a little bit. Its no fun if everybody says the same thing right?

I think after many relationships end, the other person goes from being someone you love to someone you hate. That seems fairly silly and immature to me.

Obviously you lost a lot of trust in this person, which is the way it should be. But, to put up a wall and say you could never ever be friends with an ex again seems a little over the top.

Several have mentioned that a person who cheats has shown who they are and are unworthy of friendship. Does that mean if you have a friend who cheated on his or her spouse sometime in the past you would never ever talk to them? Or is it just if they cheated on you?

99% of the time this is not a person someone should get back together with, but I don't think talking to them again would be out of the question at all.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #10  November 27,2010, 11:03am
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double, sorry
 
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