Question on dealing with opposite-sex 'issues'


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StillSingleInSTL is offline StillSingleInSTL Post #1  November 15,2010, 10:08pm
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I'm not going to make a relationship decision based on a thread, but wanted to get others' perspectives on an issue I'm struggling with. Realizing that there are different interpretations, let me know how you would feel about this:

Main issue
A woman I've been dating long-distance - and am in an exclusive dating realtionship with - has many male friends (which I'm ok with, and I understand it's a natural thing in life). Last week, she dropped a surprise about her wedding desires that doesn't jive with things she's said before: she said she's "going to get married at her male friend's house, even though her future husband doesn't know it yet", because it's such a beautiful home/yard/etc.. (note: she brought up the subject, not me, although we're both planners and aren't afraid to think ahead on different subjects)

I was surprised at it, but (trying to be polite and open-minded) commented "oh, well, it could be fun to have a small reception at someone's house."

To which she clarified "no, I mean the ceremony and the reception."

Now, the gentleman in question is an older man (she's in her late 30s, he's in his 60s I believe), wealthy, divorced, but not like a 'friend of the family' or anything-he knows her. Beyond the slight general uneasiness of associating a personal thing like a wedding ceremony at a single guy's house (whom I've never met, but would in the future), she and I are both practicing Catholics, and the Catholic Church is pretty clear in its teaching that a marriage is a Sacrament, and as such, the proper place for such a joyous, special, public occasion is in the Lord's house.

When I made a comment about what our Faith teaches about getting married, she started going on about "knowing people who know people higher up in the Diocese to get permission, etc. (even though it's definitely not a standard thing to have a Catholic wedding at someone's house, dispensation or not)", without even asking me if I would be open to agreeing to such an unusual decision. When I hesitated and didn't really agree to it, she quickly said that she didn't want to talk about it...so it's been shelved since.

It's interesting that when I met her for the first time in her city, the first place we went to after she picked me up from the airport was to visit a beautiful church - where she commented "it would be neat to be married here" (at this particular church). Obviously not on the same page as her most recent statement.


On separate (perhaps somewhat relevant?) notes....
Observation #1 - this same male friend who's home she wants to get married at was a guest at her home the other night for dinner. She told me that she cooked dinner for him, lit some candles, and played some music, and "couldn't stop thinking about me the whole while". Even though I appreciate her thinking of me, I thought "holy cow - could she have made it any more romantic for this platonic male friend?" She even was mad when she found out that he was going to have custody of his children the next day, but hadn't told her...she was mad because if she knew ahead of time, she would have cooked 4x as much food so he could take some home for his children to eat the next day. (she is thoughtful....but it still seems a little awkward). Perhaps she frequently lights candles...but I can't help but think she wouldn't be as blase' if I told her I did the same for a single female friend of mine. Oh, and she said that she's under financial constraints and can't afford to buy a plane ticket to visit me, so I agreed to buy a plane ticket for her so far, even though we make the exact same income and my cost of living is more than hers! (she disclosed the financial particulars after I agreed to buy her ticket)

Observation #2 - she has said that she is still friends with a different guy that she met (and was physically attracted to) from another website. He's now married, although they talk to each other infrequently (maybe once a year?). However, when I mentioned that I'm on a purely platonic friendship level with an ex-girlfriend who lives in the same town as me (we talk on the phone maybe twice a year), she gave me a really hard time about it. I haven't asked her about what standard I should use about an eHarmony match (in a different city) I infrequently talk to from time to time as a friend - but I'd imagine that she wouldn't be too supportive of it. I understand possible uneasiness with being friends with an ex-gf...but I'm trying to put everything in perspective.

Again - realizing that there are many factors in evaluating a relationship, am I being a little too critical of expecting her to not only want to celebrate a once-in-a-lifetime special occasion like a wedding in the proper place that our Faith teaches (and not at the house of a male friend), along with an apparent hypocrisy on (among other issues) members of the opposite sex?

If the tables were turned and I had an older female friend who had a house that I wanted to have both the marriage ceremony and reception at with another woman, would I be ridden out of town by every woman in a 50 mile radius for being so un-romantic and insensitive?

As I alluded to, there are other thoughts I'm struggling with regarding some of her behavior...but just don't know about. I realize no one's perfect, but the age-old question of "can I work through life's ups and downs with this person the rest of my life" isn't always easy to answer.

Thoughts? Experiences? Insights?
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  November 16,2010, 12:48am
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Wow, very agenda driven and manipulative. The constant hints about marriage, the constant attempts at making you jealous with how much she does for guys or still contacts them, etc.

This is not about religion. This is about a marriage obsession with totally weird roundabout "hints" including the "other men and me" BS.

The whole thing seems unrealistic. Planning the wedding details....you don't even live in the same area...huh???

StillSingleInSTL wrote :
A woman I've been dating long-distance -

she said she's "going to get married at her male friend's house, even though her future husband doesn't know it yet",

It's interesting that when I met her for the first time first place we went to after she picked me up from the airport was to visit a beautiful church - where she commented "it would be neat to be married here"

male friend who's home she wants to get married at was a guest at her home the other night for dinner. She told me that she cooked dinner for him, lit some candles, and played some music, and "couldn't stop thinking about me the whole while"."holy cow - could she have made it any more romantic for this platonic male friend?"

she has said that she is still friends with a different guy that she met (and was physically attracted to) from another website.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #3  November 16,2010, 3:39am
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How many times have you both actually seen each other?

I don't know the age of this woman..but she seems to just be needing reassurance from you that you have a future together...when people are actually doing something nefarious...as in..she likes these other guys...she wouldn't be telling you every single detail about it....that is to see where you stand on her...

And lots of women unfortunately if you read these boards..are obsessed about the wedding/ring, etc....This is where, if down the road you were to actually get engaged...would have to insist on some pre marital counseling to make sure that it's YOU she wants to be marrying...and not just 'get married'...

That is one day...all the other issues..money, sex, relatives, kids, where to live, jobs, housing, communication, etc. are the truly important things to discuss and be on the same page with before marriage...

Anyway...if you could write back on how much time you have actually spent together..as a couple..that would be helpful...
 
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Raybork is offline Raybork Post #4  November 16,2010, 3:45am
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Your story is setting off a lot of alarm bells for me, so I can only imagine how you are feeling.
There is no two way communication going on here where thoughts and opinions are expressed, within a relationship.
She does seem to want to make you jealous, as Wiseman2 says. also it being a long distance relationship, does not help matters.
I would say there is a lot you still do not know about your dating partner, and what you do know is making you very uneasy.

All I can say is, when my gut feeling tells me something is not right I now act on it. I never used to and boy did I pay for it. Maybe not immediately, but eventually I would end up kicking myself, for not listening to my instincts.
 
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StPaulGirl is offline StPaulGirl Post #5  November 16,2010, 4:00am
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Doesn't the church teach you to bring questions like this one to your priest?

Even Catholics get to do things in non-traditional ways some times. That said, if you're not ready to plan the wedding - why are you planning the wedding? Do the details of how you'd marry this woman change the decision about if you want to marry this woman?


The candlelit dinners with the male friend are a bit much. Have you told her that it makes you jealous for her to entertain single male friends in her home? Have you and she had a conversation about what an exclusive long distance relationship means to each of you? This sounds to me like different expectations - the root cause (as usual) is probably lack of communication.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  November 16,2010, 4:30am
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My thoughts are along the lines of the above poster - have you actually been dating long enough to even worry about wedding details? I'm guessing not. This is putting the cart ten miles before the horse.

Also, marriage is not about the details of the wedding day. For Pete's sake, that's only a one day of your life. There will be a whole lot more days to spend together that have nothing to do with the wedding and what you need to worry about is whether this person is actually right for you on an every day basis. Just like some posters are wondering if she is just looking to get married for the sake of marriage, I wonder if you are just looking for the wedding ceremony for the sake of the ceremony rather than what marriage actually entails.

The bottom line is that you both don't really know each other well enough, have not spent enough time together and have a really long ways to go in learning how to communicate with each other properly before you can seriously ponder your wedding ceremony. You are bringing your concerns to some internet board asking random strangers, when the person you need to be addressing is your gf.
 
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curiousgirl123 is offline curiousgirl123 Post #7  November 16,2010, 4:45am
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StPaulGirl wrote :
Have you and she had a conversation about what an exclusive long distance relationship means to each of you? This sounds to me like different expectations - the root cause (as usual) is probably lack of communication.
Agreed with the above.
 
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ozlady is online now ozlady Post #8  November 16,2010, 4:54am
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All that I can think is
"Warning Warning"
Ask yourself is this a realationship you really want to be in?
There are just so many red flags in your post, think carefully before you get anymore involved.
Read your post again and follow your gut on this one.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #9  November 16,2010, 5:24am
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StillSingleInSTL wrote :

she said she's "going to get married at her male friend's house, even though her future husband doesn't know it yet", because it's such a beautiful home/yard/etc..
If you guys are truly in a relationship and are working toward marriage as one of the goals, this really seems like a weird comment to make, especially the way she frames it "my future husband doesn't know it yet"??...

so whats that all about?
It's almost as if she's trying to put you under her thumb without directly insulting you...very left handed way of putting it, IMO.

wrote :
I was surprised at it, but (trying to be polite and open-minded) commented "oh, well, it could be fun to have a small reception at someone's house."
The fact that you made this comment back at her makes me believe that neither one of you are even close enough with each other to start talking about marriage.

Think about it: she makes a weird statement in a sort of third person reference...then, you make a comment back as if it pertains to you, specifically..
Does that sound right to you??

wrote :
It's interesting that when I met her for the first time in her city, the first place we went to after she picked me up from the airport was to visit a beautiful church - where she commented "it would be neat to be married here"
this is just bizarre...to make that kind of comment on a first meet..
Sounds like she has all these dreamy thoughts about marriage, the ceremony, etc..which is OK I guess...there's only one problem: she keeps forgetting there is supposed to be another person involved.
Yikes..

wrote :
As I alluded to, there are other thoughts I'm struggling with regarding some of her behavior...but just don't know about. I realize no one's perfect, but the age-old question of "can I work through life's ups and downs with this person the rest of my life" isn't always easy to answer.

Thoughts?
You've got a lot to talk about with this woman and you have every right to bring up some of this stuff when it needs addressing, but you still haven't told us how long you've known her or how far away you are from each other, etc.... a few months? a year??
Last edited by TheThinker; November 16,2010 at 5:31am.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #10  November 16,2010, 6:30am
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StillSingleInSTL wrote :
she said she's "going to get married at her male friend's house, even though her future husband doesn't know it yet" ... she and I are both practicing Catholics, and the Catholic Church is pretty clear in its teaching that a marriage is a Sacrament, and as such, the proper place for such a joyous, special, public occasion is in the Lord's house. ...
So in other words, she's got her "fantasy wedding" all planned out. The rules and traditions of the Church don't matter. All she wants is "a guy" to plug in to the fantasy, who won't interfere.

wrote :
without even asking me if I would be open to agreeing to such an unusual decision. When I hesitated and didn't really agree to it, she quickly said that she didn't want to talk about it...so it's been shelved since.
This is the part that I don't follow. Are you at a point where a serious discussion of marriage should be happening? Why are you so worried about this, when it clearly appears that she's still "sorta dating" other guys? You're putting the cart way before the horse.

I'd be walking away from this person, whether she was local or long-distance. It confirms to me once again, that long-distance dating is just not how you develop a stable relationship and truly get to know a person.
 
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