Ming11 is offline Ming11 Post #1  November 4,2010, 10:13pm
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Alright so this probably is going to sound very infantile to a lot of you, but I need something, whether it be advice, or motivation, or to be brought to my senses or whatever.

I'm in college. I was in a previous relationship for a little under a year. I broke up with my ex a little over 2 months ago. Let me just say the relationship was weird from the start, basically because she was a quirky girl and I found that to be attractive about her. My question isn't pertaining to this relationship so I'll keep this brief. In the last two months or so of the relationship, things went from weird to deceitful, and it was apparent she would not change. I had no choice but to break up with her. If you want me to give more details let me know. Looking back on it, I realized that I should have never gotten into that relationship in the first place. I was just too into her at the time to realize it.

Anyhow, there's this girl in 3 of my classes that I've taken a liking to. And it's turned into a pretty substantial crush. I'm pretty certain she's thinking similar about me. She's always trying to catch my eye, I'll catch her staring at me, etc. Whenever I talk to other girls and she is in the vicinity it becomes much more apparent.

We've talked a few times mostly among other friends and I've always gotten good vibes. Once, more so due to coincidence, we ended up walking about a mile together alone and things felt very smooth. She seemed very into me.

I think we are both playing hard to get. She won't go out of her way to talk to me and I won't go out of my way to talk to her, but I am sure there is something between us. For me, I know the reason why I'm not going out of my way to talk to her. Everytime I make up my mind to do so, my ex and that horrible relationship floods back to me and freezes me. What I like about this girl is that her personality seems to be very opposite that of my ex's.

I feel bad about it because I feel like I'm cheating myself and her out of a relationship. Today, I was talking to some of my friends, and she caught my eye. I glanced away for a second to respond to my friend and when I looked back, she had this completely dejected look on her face. I felt like a complete (3 letter word). I've made up my mind to do something about it, but I can't shake that past relationship. (It was really messed up)

What should I do? Are things too soon for me?
 
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Bill1104 is offline Bill1104 Post #2  November 5,2010, 5:11am
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Here's what I would do if I were you. Between classes I would send a friend of mine over to her and ask her if she "likes" you. If she says yes, then I would ask to walk her home from school.

Wait a minute, that's what I did in the 6th grade!

What I would do now is assume that the "vibes" she has been giving off are real. I would approach her and tell her that you have noticed her and that you would like to get to know her better on a social level. Would it be convenient to go get a coffee, beer, coke (whatever is appropriate) now and if not now can we set a time to do so.

You are a young man and you should take this as a "learning experience." The lesson? Be more direct in your approach to meeting and dating women. If you like someone - like them enough to want to get to know them better - don't wait - ask!

It's only natural but don't feel that the girl in question has to send you magical signals. Men have been misreading women's signals for as far back as Adam and Eve.

Here's an appropriate story on this topic (the cleaned up version for those who have heard it before)

Two guys are talking about meeting and asking girls out on dates. The first guy (sounds a little like you) says. "I make sure that the girl will say yes before I ask her out - I look for affirmative signals in her glances and body language - I'll bet that 90% of the girls that I ask out say yes. The second guy replies, "Not - me! If I see a girl that looks good to me I march right up and ask them for a date." The first guy says "Wow - you must get turned down a lot." The second guy says, Yes I do - but I also go out with a lot of good looking girls!"

Remember, these truisms: 1) all they can do is say no. 2) If you don't ask, they can't say yes.

Good luck.

BTW - Forget about the prior relationship - it has nothing to do with this lady.
Last edited by Bill1104; November 5,2010 at 5:25am. Reason: Because nobody's is perfect - especially me.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  November 5,2010, 5:27am
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It is not fair to yourself nor any new crush to continue to feel "messed up" from your quirky (neurotic), but hot ex . Yes play with hot but crazy fire and you will get burned. It seems you learned this. Just say to yourself..it's done and over.

Not all girls are nut jobs, so the best you can do is realize this, pull yourself together and when you are ready, give a decent girl and a decent relationship the full attention and chance it deserves.

Ming11 wrote :
I'm in college. I was in a previous relationship for a little under a year. I broke up with my ex a little over 2 months ago.

she was a quirky girl and I found that to be attractive about her. I know the reason why I'm not going out of my way to talk to her. Every time I make up my mind to do so, my ex and that horrible relationship floods back to me and freezes me. What I like about this girl is that her personality seems to be very opposite that of my ex's.

I feel bad about it because I feel like I'm cheating myself and her out of a relationship. I can't shake that past relationship.
 
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Daphnie is offline Daphnie Post #4  November 5,2010, 5:30am
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Wiseman2 wrote :
It is not fair to yourself nor any new crush to continue to feel "messed up" from your quirky (neurotic), but hot ex . Yes play with hot but crazy fire and you will get burned. It seems you learned this. Just say to yourself..it's done and over.

Not all girls are nut jobs, so the best you can do is realize this, pull yourself together and when you are ready, give a decent girl and a decent relationship the full attention and chance it deserves.
Spot on. You must psychologically end one relationship before stepping into another one.
 
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #5  November 5,2010, 5:36am
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Great post from Bill, especially the part about this being a learning experience.

Here's the thing: when it comes to the opposite sex, chances are you're gonna get rejected from time to time, but that shouldn't keep you from trying. As some famous athlete said, you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take. If you don't try, you don't succeed. At least if you try, there's a chance you will succeed.

This girl sounds nice. The worst thing that could happen is she says no, but she's flattered by the attention. It really has no negative bearing on who you are. (Consider rejection as being a possible byproduct of taking a chance... just a possibility, and it happens to everyone who's actively living their lives.)

The best thing, of course, is if she says yes.

And Wiseman is right: not all girls are nutjobs. Don't let your previous experience keep you from a new relationship. That would be a real shame.

Good luck!
 
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numbertheorist is offline numbertheorist Post #6  November 5,2010, 10:17am
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She is ready, but you are not.

There is no shame in that. Time heals all wounds, eventually. And there is no time frame in healing.

Be honest with this new girl. And let the chips fall where they may.

Good luck!
 
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annother is offline annother Post #7  November 5,2010, 6:20pm
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Dating will be a part of the healing process. Just get back in the "game."
 
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TinkerBelle007 is offline TinkerBelle007 Post #8  November 6,2010, 2:26pm
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These flooding thoughts about your ex are from your lack of closure. You should really focus on your ex being just that-an ex. Yes, she was great. She was hot. She was fun. She had a unique personality with special quirks. She treated you well, for the most part. Something went wrong. It was a fundamental relationship error. You broke up. She is in your past.
This new girl in your class is flirting with you hard core. You should respond with a somewhat equivalent level of hard core flirting. Pass her a note. "I've seen you smiling when you look at me. Thinking about you makes me smile. I would like to spend more time with you so that we can smile at each other. May I have your phone number? Email me at ***@**.com
 
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Mythical is offline Mythical Post #9  November 6,2010, 3:00pm
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Well, if you are not over the last girl it will be rebound... but that's not all bad. But I'd just face it and decide you are moving on and ask this girl out already!!!
 
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