Just Sent out an E-mail Asking for His Thought on Engagement/Marriage


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Daphnie is offline Daphnie Post #1  November 4,2010, 10:04am
Daphnie's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Sep 2009

TX

Posts: 288

See profile

My BF and I were matched at eH last summer. Starting from last October, we have been seeing each other 4 to 6 nights every week. I have been introduced to all his friends in town and have been invited on multiple events. This May, I met his parents who live about 6-7 hours away. Since then, his mom has initiated several E-mail conversations with me just to chat. For instance, she once E-mailed me saying that they were going to Santa Fe for a week. I have been invited to spend Thanksgiving with his parents and Christmas with his extended family members.

My BF is a typical introvert. But with me, he can talk a lot, except when I bring up engagement or marriage. He says he wants to get married but has no time frame. I have made it very clear that I will not move in with him until we are engaged. With that said, although he has asked me several times to leave some stuff at his house, the only thing I leave there is a toothbrush and a small bottle of facial cleanser. Every Friday, I will pack my stuff and spend three nights at this place. He has turned down 3 jobs offers that are very tempting but require re-location. On the week nights, I will shower in my place before I go over.

Today, with no particular triggering event, I want to initiate the talk about our future. If he sees no future between us, or he wants to continue dating for at least another 2-3 years, I am going to call it an end. I really do love this man, but I know I want to get married. So about half an hour ago, I sent him the following E-mail:

Hey Baby:

I have been contemplating on how to approach this topic for quite a while. But because every time when we talk about engagement or marriage, it's like pulling teeth for you to engage in the conversation, I do not have the heart to force the topic on you. However, it does bother me that we can talk about lots of other things except for this one that we both involve in. That's why I want to get it out of my chest and regardless what you want to do, I'll respect your decision.

After you came back from Bali, I told you that I expected a proposal at the one-year mark, on which you made no comment. I don't know if you didn't hear me that night, or you heard me but it didn't register, or it registered but you didn't think it's worth your time to talk about it, or you were hoping I would eventually give up this absurd idea. Up to now, you may have made your point very clear through various ways, but on my side, I still fail to pick up any hint or clue about what you think about our future. On one hand, I have been practicing not to show any sign of disappointment when you hand me the Christmas present and/or birthday present and pretend that everything's fine. On the other hand, I think I should trust that you can handle this conversation and be flat honest with you with the hope that you can share your thoughts with me as well.

I am not under the illusion that you will propose any time soon. Neither do I want it if you do so just to keep me around. But I do want to know what time frame you have in mind. If you are not yet ready to discuss it, please say so. Putting you in a difficult spot is the last thing I want to do. We can talk about it tonight or this weekend. If you prefer E-mail, that's fine with me as well.


Love,

I am not sure if it is the right move. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach. That's why I want to write it out hoping that I can get some support or advice.

Thank you!
 
  Reply With Quote
DreamingOfAtlantis is offline DreamingOfAtlantis Post #2  November 4,2010, 10:21am
DreamingOfAtl…'s Avatar

finally finished writing the screenplay "Dreaming of Altantis!"

Virtuoso

Joined: May 2008

Richmond, Virginia

Posts: 2,509

See profile

I think written on paper would have been a better way to do it, but it's well written and you make some excellent points, including talking about practicing not looking disappointed. That lets him know that ignoring this is hurting you.

Trust me, though. He definitely heard you when you brought it up. That he hasn't replied is telling. For now he's got what he wants: You're there all weekend and you're available to him in every way he needs, so he sees no reason to change things. Why should he? He's got everything he wants without any sacrifice on his part.

My question is, are you prepared to say, "Good bye" if he says he's not ready or won't be ready soon? And what are you going to do if he ignores the email or tries to avoid talking about it again?
 
  Reply With Quote
Daphnie is offline Daphnie Post #3  November 4,2010, 10:27am
Daphnie's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Sep 2009

TX

Posts: 288

See profile

DreamingOfAtlantis wrote :
My question is, are you prepared to say, "Good bye" if he says he's not ready or won't be ready soon? And what are you going to do if he ignores the email or tries to avoid talking about it again?
Yes, I am. The reason for me spending the time contemplating is not whether I am wording this E-mail right but whether I am reading to walk away if his answer is not what I want. If he chooses to ignore my questions, I am going to interpret it as "no" and move on with my life.
 
  Reply With Quote
TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  November 4,2010, 10:33am
TheThinker's Avatar

Just what you want to be...you will be in the end

Power Poster

Joined: Aug 2009

The Island of Rhode

Posts: 6,429

See profile

Daphnie wrote :


I am not under the illusion that you will propose any time soon. Neither do I want it if you do so just to keep me around. But I do want to know what time frame you have in mind. If you are not yet ready to discuss it, please say so. Putting you in a difficult spot is the last thing I want to do. We can talk about it tonight or this weekend. If you prefer E-mail, that's fine with me as well.


OK.
and what if he says: "I'm not ready to discuss it...and I don't know when I will be ready to discuss it."

Then, what is your plan?

It is fine to open up the channel of discussion, but I think you have to, at some point...agree to actually discuss the issue.
But that's me.

You're "tip toeing" around an issue that's obviously very important to you....I wouldn't suggest doing that.
Last edited by TheThinker; November 4,2010 at 10:35am.
 
  Reply With Quote
Daphnie is offline Daphnie Post #5  November 4,2010, 10:35am
Daphnie's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Sep 2009

TX

Posts: 288

See profile

TheThinker wrote :

OK.
and what if he says: "I'm not ready to discuss it...and I don't know when I will be ready to discuss it."

Then, what is your plan?
This is actually a trap. I offer him the option of saying "not ready to talk" although in my mind, this answer is absolutely not acceptable. After a year together yet still not ready to even talk about it? If he uses this line, I will walk away in a heartbeat.
 
  Reply With Quote
wandering_star is offline wandering_star Post #6  November 4,2010, 10:36am
wandering_sta…'s Avatar

wonders what else is in the green valley

Pacesetter

Joined: Aug 2010

Posts: 265

See profile

i think you have to put what you want out there, and you have, and in a reasonable way. i hope it works out for you! keep us updated..?
 
  Reply With Quote
Daphnie is offline Daphnie Post #7  November 4,2010, 10:40am
Daphnie's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Sep 2009

TX

Posts: 288

See profile

wandering_star wrote :
i think you have to put what you want out there, and you have, and in a reasonable way. i hope it works out for you! keep us updated..?
I will certainly follow up with updates.

Another piece of information. The reason that I word the letter carefully is because my BF is not very confident in relationships. Before this one, the longest relationship he had lasted 4 months. And he's 38. I do not want to push his panic button making him think: "She's breaking up with me".
 
  Reply With Quote
Harryoss is offline Harryoss Post #8  November 4,2010, 10:43am
Harryoss's Avatar

chooses his words carefully. (Most of the time!)

Veteran

Joined: Sep 2010

Los Angeles, CA (SF Valley)

Posts: 1,176

See profile

I think that, given the circumstances... You handled the situation pretty well.

HOWEVER, with that said and done... I can tell you this right now, a woman who says " I expect an engagement at the one year mark and will not move in with you until then" will make me run for the door, even if I could see myself marrying her 2-3 years into the relationship.

Why? Because this woman has an agenda, and her agenda is more important to her than I am, or how I feel, or what I'm comfortable with. And this is not even mentioning the fact that ONE year is on the short side of the spectrum when pursuing said agenda. I could understand 2 years, but one is just stupid I'm sorry to say.

Again, I don't think you handled the situation badly... You stated how you felt in the best way you thought you could. I'm just saying, realize that if you drive him away... it's your expectation (agenda) that would have done so, and nothing else about you.

On a side note: You know the common misconception that men are afraid of commitment? That's wrong more often than not. Men aren't afraid of commitment at all. What men are afraid of, are women who have the demands that you have OP. I would NOT like to be in your BF's position, ever! and I'm actually the type of guy who's honestly looking for a LTR and someone to marry.
 
  Reply With Quote
TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #9  November 4,2010, 10:44am
TheThinker's Avatar

Just what you want to be...you will be in the end

Power Poster

Joined: Aug 2009

The Island of Rhode

Posts: 6,429

See profile

Daphnie wrote :
This is actually a trap. I offer him the option of saying "not ready to talk" although in my mind, this answer is absolutely not acceptable. After a year together yet still not ready to even talk about it? If he uses this line, I will walk away in a heartbeat.
umm..OK.
My thinking is I would not have offered, "if you don't want to talk about it, OK"..if it was a trap.
I simply would have expressed my thoughts and asked him to, also. if you don't like what he says...you stay or bail...fairly simple.
But I'm a kooky kind of nut like that!

Setting traps is for catching mice, not men.
(but it appears setting traps is the flavor of the moment...on these boards.)
Good luck, though.
I wish you the best.
 
  Reply With Quote
TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #10  November 4,2010, 10:50am
TheThinker's Avatar

Just what you want to be...you will be in the end

Power Poster

Joined: Aug 2009

The Island of Rhode

Posts: 6,429

See profile

Daphnie wrote :
And he's 38. I do not want to push his panic button making him think: "She's breaking up with me".
but that's what your plan is anyway...should he not agree to consider marriage in your future, correct?
You're bailing.
Stop dancing around it and say what you need to say. period.
Ripping the band aid off painfully slowly does no good to either of you.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« What to do when your boyfriend has feelings for another? | Relationships | What should I do about my ex? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
She told me she thought I had a boyfriend? vnix let's talk about sex 13 August 6,2010 7:09am
He thought he was ready, but he's not. SunneeD Ask a Dating Expert 8 March 27,2010 2:32pm
thought I finally met the right guy... benna667 A Man's Point of view 4 September 8,2009 3:15pm
Mail Order Husbands Ms666 Dating 24 September 2,2009 2:38pm
I thought this was an advice forum? OverAnalyzer Using eHarmony 26 July 21,2009 10:26am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ ^This is the better plan.. My experience has been that love usually comes along when you least expect it, and when your heart is open enough to let it in. If you try to put a set time table on when ... ” –  TheThinker

Join the “Transition from dating to relationship” discussion

“ As Ingy mentions ...he's good with the lines and multitasking relationships.. All anyone can say is: don't get played again...especially by the same guy twice... Move on to someone who is decisive ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“This varies based on your age, gender, location, settings, and 29 dimensions. My settings are fairly narrow and I've always gotten a steady stream of matches. But, my location seems to have a lot ... ” –  dmi

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“I'm extremely allergic to cats, plus I just don't like 'em. So I won't date someone with cats. Dogs, I love. But I'm attracted to certain types of dogs. A guy with a little yorkie turns me off. ... ” –  ZisaGirl

Join the “What about a "PET BOX" ?? again this sounds simple or??” discussion

“If you get the opportunity, yes.” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“...and since you're Shaun Cassidy fan mitchell...this song is just for you! "Da Doo Ron Ron" I met her on a Monday And my heart stood still Da doo ron ron ron Da doo ron ron Somebody told me That ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 9:48am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0