I can't stand my Sisters Boyfriend....


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jmomma is offline jmomma Post #1  November 2,2010, 10:34am
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I'm hoping someone out there has some good advise as we're dealing with an issue with my sister's BF that is causing strain on my family.

My Sister is in her 50's and has been widowed for the past 10 years. She has always said she wished she would find someone and we encouraged her to look at dating sites, and that she would find someone in good time. Well apparently about a month ago a guy she had know casually about 15 years ago came and put a note on her door asking her to call him and they started dating. The problem is she didn't tell us for a month that she was even seeing anyone with the excuse that she "wanted to make sure he would stay". By the time we heard about him he was already staying at her house almost every night (in a separate room) and they are already talking about getting married. My husband and I met the guy for the 1st time two weeks a go and he said a few things that made us raise the red flag.

1.) He spoke about buying a house with my sister and moving our mom with dementia in. (He's never met her)

2.) He spoke about how my sister has custody of my son if anything happens tomy husband and I and if there we're married they would have to take my son and our dog ?????? (his excuse was he always wanted kids but didn't have them) and was excited to meet our son. Which worried me.

3.) Our 5 year old said he didn't like him. Not that he wasn't nice but that he didn't like him. (he also said he doesn't like the way his aunt is around him) not that a 5 olds opinion has much weight but my son general is pretty outgoing.

While he was "nice" enough with these couple of things my husband and I were concerned enough to do our own background check. It came up that he has been married and divorced twice, has declared bankrupcy, has had 11 different address in 10 years, and is currently renting a room from a "friend". He says he is an independent insurance broker. We can't find any evidence that he has a job.

Well we told my sister why we were concerned and wanted her to slow down with this guy and that we want to know him much better before we have in in our house or around our child again. (btw the 1st time we met him we didn't know he was even coming over. She was supposed to be meeting me to go have lunch and just brought him over.)

The problem we're having is she's already so attached to this guy (he's practically moved in with her) that she won't listen to a thing we say and defends him everytime we say anything. We feel he may be taking advantage of her to get out of his situation (she owns her own home, has a good job, and little debt.)

I have told her that she doesn't know this guy and talking about marriage is pre-mature. She doesn't think so and says she's in love. Everything she says now is "we" meaning she and him. I can't even call her with out him being there. I've said that we do not want this man in our home until we know him much better. She has been refusing to come over without him so we told her then she can not come over as well.

It's to the point that my husband says she's being stupid and going for the 1st guy that paid her any attention and he doesn't want anything to do with either of them. I was close to my sister and my son loves his aunt, but it's to the point where I almost want to tell her if she wants to get involved with a con-artist fine but we can't have it around us. Any advise on how we handle this?
 
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Mythical is offline Mythical Post #2  November 2,2010, 10:52am
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It's simple. If you want to keep your sister, if you value your relationship, if you love her ... you tactfully tell her your opinion and leave it at that ... and you support her.

You are not walking in her shoes. You have no idea how she feels about things. You'll never understand her viewpoint. Sometimes people have to make their own mistakes and the loving thing is to just let them.

If you are really concerned, make time to go out with your sister... tell her she can't bring her BF ... Just you and her and have fun, but don't make the whole time about her BF. Talk to her, let her know you care, etc. but that you want to be there for her.

If you disown her, she's going to turn her back on you, and then she's going to do what she wants anyway. Wouldn't you rather have her come to you when she's feeling down? Love her and be there for her. That's what she needs the most.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  November 2,2010, 11:50am
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Wow , there are many con-artist red flags here. I can see your concern. This, down the line, may be a mess that's hard to fix.

Your question however is how to approach her, given that she is lonely and "in love".

The best approach is with facts, not feelings or judgments,such as "we think", "we feel", etc.

They are opinions which will be disputed with "you just don't know him", "you just don't like him" , "he really loves me",etc.

For example, show her the data about bankruptcy , divorces, repeated moves etc. in a non judgmental way.

Rather than focus on what a creep he is ( she will defend him, ask him, and he will come up with a handy explanation), focus on supportive concern for her, such as "I thought you should know this, so you can decide for yourself how much to get involved"

He surely has not told her all this, and she wants to be in love, so will take whatever he tells / promises her at face value.

You can give her the facts, he won't.

Also read through this:
Lovefraud.com > Key symptoms of a sociopath (psychopath, con artist)

Best of luck
jmomma wrote :
my husband and I were concerned enough to do our own background check. It came up that he has been married and divorced twice, has declared bankrupcy, has had 11 different address in 10 years, and is currently renting a room from a "friend". He says he is an independent insurance broker. We can't find any evidence that he has a job.

The problem we're having is she's already so attached to this guy (he's practically moved in with her)

We feel he may be taking advantage of her to get out of his situation (she owns her own home, has a good job, and little debt.)
if she wants to get involved with a con-artist fine but we can't have it around us. Any advise on how we handle this?
 
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wandering_star is offline wandering_star Post #4  November 2,2010, 12:02pm
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i am glad that your instinct is to protect your family. follow your instincts on this, but i agree with others, don't shut your sister out, just carefully limit the collateral damage of this jackwagon she's managed to pick up. otherwise, she'll feel you're trying to control her...and realy, you are (even though your intent or reasoning seems valid).

no one likes to be controlled. this guy she's got sounds like a pretty masterful puppeteer. hopefully she's smart and will sort it out.
 
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Getting_There is offline Getting_There Post #5  November 2,2010, 12:02pm
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Would your mind be more at ease if you can ensure that she can't move your mother in with them and that they will not be guardians to your son if something happens to you and your husband?

The child who has your Mom's power of attorney and medical power of attorney has the clout to decide how her care is provided right? So you might want to ensure that you or another sibling other than your sister has this authority over your Mom's care. They can prevent your Mom from being moved to your sister's and this new guy's care.

Bottom line if you can protect other family members then maybe you can stay in her life and try to protect her by staying informed and in her world. If he is a con artist he would prefer that she be isolated I imagine?
 
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annother is offline annother Post #6  November 2,2010, 1:07pm
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I agree with the previous posts. I have been your sister, and my three sisters maintained our good relationships throughout. They let me know (once, each) what their concerns were. After that, they left the matter alone.

It was exactly the right thing for them to do. Eventually (after a very long time) the infatuation died down enough for me to be able to think logically. I ended it when I accepted the fact that I was being exploited.

As I say, though, it took a long time. My sisters never wavered in their affection for me, and did not discuss the friend with me unless I raised the issue. Even then, they mostly just stayed silent so as not to be judgemental.

No matter what your sister does, your relationship with her comes first. Try not to judge, and try not to "preach." That way, she will continue to enjoy your relationship.
 
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lindseyk is offline lindseyk Post #7  November 2,2010, 1:34pm

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annother wrote :
I agree with the previous posts. I have been your sister, and my three sisters maintained our good relationships throughout. They let me know (once, each) what their concerns were. After that, they left the matter alone.

It was exactly the right thing for them to do. Eventually (after a very long time) the infatuation died down enough for me to be able to think logically. I ended it when I accepted the fact that I was being exploited.

As I say, though, it took a long time. My sisters never wavered in their affection for me, and did not discuss the friend with me unless I raised the issue. Even then, they mostly just stayed silent so as not to be judgemental.

No matter what your sister does, your relationship with her comes first. Try not to judge, and try not to "preach." That way, she will continue to enjoy your relationship.
^^
This.

Tell her your concerns once, in a loving way, and then keep on being her sister. Let her know what bothers you and why, but don't let this ruin your relationship, insofar as it's within your power to prevent it. You can't decide for her who she is going to love or want to be with. You may not like this guy and may have very good reasons for that, but right now he is her choice. There's really not much you can do about it, aside from being honest with her while continuing to love her. Hopefully she will come around eventually, but if she doesn't, does that mean you'll walk away? Could you do that? Would you want to? Is her choice of a mate enough to make you cut her off? I hope not.

I understand your concerns, but ending it with this guy is a choice she will have to make herself and she may not choose to end it. Conversely, he may end it after a time, after he gets what he wants (whatever that may be) and she might really need you as a support. Even if he doesn't end it, she may still need you. Not fair? Perhaps, but family matters and this guy isn't her family - yet. There is no guarantee that he will be. She may see sense soon. From what you've written and for all of your sakes' (your sister, your mother, your son, you, your husband), I hope so.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #8  November 2,2010, 2:58pm
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Well, I met and married the first husband within two weeks.

My family was...shocked, to say the least. But they always "accepted" him, and made him welcome...for the 18 years the marriage lasted. Just sayin'.

I do have one suggestion.

I might ask what she thought her husband would think of him.

I'm widowed myself...two years now. My husband was a good judge of character; it will be important to me that any new man in my life be somebody I think he might have liked...even chosen himself, for a friend. I don't think I can go wrong with that.

Of course, the suggestion does depend on her marriage having been a good one, to a good man...

j8a
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #9  November 2,2010, 3:12pm
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I agree that he sounds off and Getting_There's suggestion of making sure he does not have access to your mother/son is good. If he's a user, he's probably considering what use they may be (esp. your mom with a pension/SS/etc).

I remember my aunt dating someone I really didn't like when I was little...I found him creepy and insincere (not how I would have phrased it then). He wound up stalking her. I think kids are generally pretty good at gauging whether someone is genuine and you're probably right not to discount your son's opinion - adults do and say things around kids that they may not around other adults.
 
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ozlady is online now ozlady Post #10  November 2,2010, 3:15pm
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My daughter is also in a controling/abusive relationship. She moved him into our home. We did the talking, police, her asking for help to move him out and then wanting him back in the house. I said no, not here and she left with him.

Was that better, I lost all contact, everytime I heard somthing on the tv/radio my heart would stop.

Still it was better for me, I and my sons were safe on a day to day basis. I detached enough to realise it is her choice and I had to let her make that choice.

All you can do is as others have said is protect your family. Yes and be there for her when she does eventually need you.

By the way my daughter is still with him but I have learnt to step back and having just recently had a daughter she has just reinstated contact with me. I now no longer question bruises and am polite to him. Right or wrong this gives her the knowledge I do care and although our relationship is stiff still I believe she does know she can come to me if needed.

Don't lose all contact, not knowing can be a lot worse than knowing.
 
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