squirrellover is offline squirrellover Post #1  October 25,2010, 6:46am
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My guy and I have been together for 3 years, living together for 1. When we moved in together, there was no plan for marriage. We don't combine our money, we have no plans for (can't have) kids (we both have older children from our first marriages). We have a wonderful relationship and with him is where I want to be/spend my life. He says he feels the same way (and I believe this).

Somewhere along the line, I came to the realization that I want to be married. Living together isn't *enough* for me. Actually, it's not that I want to be married, I want to marry *this* guy. (do you get the difference?) After my divorce (a very long time ago) I never had any desire to get married again...till now...he is wonderful, everything I've ever dreamed about. He has been divorced about 10 years and still bitter about the whole thing.

I've talked to him about my desire. Sometimes he says "I can see us getting married...some day" sometimes he says "why do we need a piece of paper?" Marriage to me is more than a piece of paper. I've come to realize that there are people who believe in marriage, and those who don't. I have found that I am one that does believe in marriage...who knew?! Surprised me!

So, what does one do when you realize that you and the person you love may not have the same long term plan? What happens when you are moving in the same direction, but have different goals?

I know I can't force him to want to marry. I know I am the one who's feelings/desires changed. Do I just pretend that what I want doesn't matter? Do I walk away from the best man that ever came into my life? Both of those solutions seem silly.

I'm really trying to figure out how to deal with my new feelings...any thoughts?
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #2  October 25,2010, 7:25am
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If this were me, I would try to get him to talk about why he doesn't want to get married. I know you said he is bitter. But what is he bitter about? Did she change after marriage? Did she take him to the cleaners in a divorce? Etc...

Then, I would try to address those concerns. For instance, if it's the money aspect, maybe you keep your money separate even after marriage.

If I was willing to work with a guy and compromise on these types of issues that are important to him, I would expect that he should also be willing to compromise on issues that are important to me. And it sounds like marriage is important to you. If he was unwilling to compromise despite all of my best efforts, then I would move on. When it comes down to it, marriage is about compromise and being willing to bend while still maintaining the things you value. You can't do that one-sided.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  October 25,2010, 7:37am
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I guess the interesting question here is why marriage. What would it change for you? I mean you would not be marrying so you can have a family - you are both past that. You are already living comfortably together and taking care of each other, etc. So what would this piece of paper change for you and for the relationship? What real actual value do you see in it? Ultimately, is the value that you see in marriage greater than the value of this relationship? Some serious questions to ponder for you.
Once you figure out some concrete answers to the above, perhaps it will help you decide what to do about it and possibly give you a rational approach to why it matters to you when addressing your partner.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #4  October 25,2010, 7:54am
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squirrellover wrote :
sometimes he says "why do we need a piece of paper?"
If it's only "a piece of paper", what's his problem with not getting it?

Answer: He doesn't want to get married.

You haven't offered enough information for us to determine why. If you are in your 50's, then a few years down the road maybe there's some financial factors to consider. Maybe he just doesn't want to get married, period, because he hasn't gotten over his divorce and hasn't checked his baggage. Or, maybe he just doesn't want to get married to you.

No matter how you look at it, there seems to be a major compatibility issue emerging. Not to throw stones but moving in together is a major step and the marriage thing should've been discussed prior.
 
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squirrellover is offline squirrellover Post #5  October 25,2010, 8:39am
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Thanks for your thoughts! Suzy, his main issue why he's still so bitter about his divorce is money...she took him to the cleaners. Before knowing this about him, we had talked that *if* we ever got married, we both would agree/insist upon a pre-nup agreement.

Dancing fool...like I said, marriage is important to some people. I didn't think it mattered to me, and it turns out that it does. I think the term "girlfriend" means "she's the one I'm with for now", wife is an outward show of "this is the person I intend to spend my life with"...it's also so much more than that...to me.

Tweet 37, there is no major compatability issue. We are totally compatable. We did discuss things before moving in together. At that point both of us were set in our feelings that neither of us wanted to get married. My feelings have changed about that.

That is where my question lies. When we moved in together, we both felt we didn't want/need to get married. Since I'm the one who's feelings changed, I am trying to figure out how to deal with that.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #6  October 25,2010, 10:44am
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He does not want to get married and the-string-you -along statement is highlighted in red below. He has it the way he wants it. Roommates with wife benefits. Of course he doesn't want to change that sweet deal.

Talking will not help this nor make him want to marry. Either you accept his roommates with benefits terms, or he needs to be shown that if he wants the wife benefits, he can't have them in a roommates with benefits arrangement.

Tough call but, move out for a while , see if he likes doing all the housework, coming home to an empty house and paying all the bills on his own...

squirrellover wrote :
My guy and I have been together for 3 years, living together for 1. When we moved in together, there was no plan for marriage. We don't combine our money.

We have a wonderful relationship and with him is where I want to be/spend my life. He says he feels the same way (and I believe this).

I've talked to him about my desire. Sometimes he says "I can see us getting married...some day"
Last edited by Wiseman2; October 25,2010 at 10:48am.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  October 25,2010, 10:53am
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I think you have to decide whether your desire to be married is more important to you than this relationship.

He might change his mind at some point, or he might not. You can discuss it with him, try couples counseling, etc but you can't control what he thinks/feels/wants.

I tend to think that being married is qualitatively different from living together, and I can understand your not being satisfied, if you want to marry him. But it might not happen -- could you happily continue living together in that case?
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #8  October 25,2010, 11:15am

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When Troy moved in with me we planned on getting married within a year and a half though nothing carved in stone. I always said it is just a piece of paper, no big deal when it happens. For the most part it is still true.

Why I want the marriage now may seem silly to some. It is what if something happened to him while he was traveling on the job. I have no legal right to speak to his doctors. This bothered me. It bothers me when I speak of this man, who is for all intent and purpose my husband, as my boyfriend. When I brought this up he admitted he calls me his wife to his friends.

He has carpy insurance, I have great insurance. It is this legal wasteland between single and married that is driving me to marriage. Nothing about marriage will change the essence of our relationship. It will only change our legal status, I have grown to the point I want that legal change.

Hope my little story helps.
 
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squirrellover is offline squirrellover Post #9  October 25,2010, 1:19pm
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Jo, that's another part of why I want to be married. My brother had a heart attack, his girlfriend (of 18 years) wasn't his next of kin, I was. She didn't get to make any decisions, I did (they were her decisions, just made by me...but I know every family won't be like that). they married shortly after that...in part because of that. Should something happen to me, I want my sweetie to have a voice in making final arrangements (although I have what *I* want spelled out in my will)

After my divorce, I never had any intention of getting married again. I never wanted that. Living with my guy has made me rethink that. Our relationship is wonderful. We both say that we never knew it could be THIS good.

Would I be happy not ever getting married? Maybe, but I'm not sure. Would I be happy leaving? Not in a million years.

Others refere to us as husband and wife...which bothers me, but not him.

Wiseman, he does pay all the bills on his own...it's his house that we live in.

I have it in my head that if he doesn't want to marry me, he must love me less. He keeps saying that's not true.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #10  October 25,2010, 1:36pm
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Just FYI...unless/until a marriage occurs...You can be their Health Care Power Of Attorney...

In fact...everyone...single or married should have someone or more than one person designated as their own HCPOA...

It's imperative to have in case of any medical emergency.

I am one for my mom...was this along with my husband's siblings for my previous mother in law when she had a stroke...

When listed..you can make any/all medical decisions for that person...

Same thing with having a will...anyone can be named..doesn't have to be by marriage..

The main 'legal' issues for marriage are taxes and having someone added to your health care if yours or theirs is better than what you have...

Same with house ownership..You can list anyone of the deed..If for example..he owned the house now..he just gets a 'quick claim deed' to add your name...

So..sorry for the OT a little...but just wanted to stress that you don't have to wait another day to do the HCPOA...you can print them out online and have it notarized...
 
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