DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #11  October 25,2010, 1:44pm
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OP, the reason that I presented you with the questions that I did in my previous post is because you need to sit down and actually articulate clearly to yourself what marriage means to you, what you need from it, what is important, etc. I'm talking about crystal clear, practical, rational terms. Write them down.

After you've done that, then sit him down and address all those points and then give him time to respond to you and to explain to you what his issues are against it. The point is to open a rational discussion that would allow you both to reach some kind of an understanding what each of your needs are and whether it's possible to meet those needs. Jumping on him with an emotional "you must not love me if you are not marrying me" will not get you anywhere. You are risking ruining your relationship as he may decide that you are nagging and that your insecurity about the relationship is getting old and unpleasant.
 
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realestatedon is offline realestatedon Post #12  October 25,2010, 2:40pm
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"Some day" could mean almost anything to him, next year, 5 years, or never. Next time you talk to him ask him if some day has a year attached to it.

Ingytravel gives a lot of good valid points I would suggest for all of us to do this for the material items. My older brother was medical POA and I was 2nd for my dad. He wanted my mom and I listed on all items so that they wouldn't get lost to attorney's when she passed and they did have wills. She listed me as
administrator. She told her neighbors about this and I am listed now in several other wills including 2 sisters and 1 brother if they go before me.

My neigbors dad was married and divorced 4 times and lived with another lady for 11 years when he passed - no common law marriage in my state. His live-in took the estate to court and got a bigger share than his 4 daughters.

The point is is that you can appoint anyone you want to be in charge of your estate and good luck with the "some day".
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #13  October 25,2010, 3:44pm

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squirrellover wrote :
I have it in my head that if he doesn't want to marry me, he must love me less. He keeps saying that's not true.
What I see with Troy is that he totally loves me and that is why he is kinda afraid. You see so many marriages start for the wrong reasons. Ya know the I am insecure I will treat him well till I get the ring and then go all lazy and unaffectionate on him. So the fear is things are perfect, you are my wife, why mess it up. I hope that makes sense.

Ingytravel wrote :
Just FYI...unless/until a marriage occurs...You can be their Health Care Power Of Attorney...

In fact...everyone...single or married should have someone or more than one person designated as their own HCPOA...

It's imperative to have in case of any medical emergency.

I am one for my mom...was this along with my husband's siblings for my previous mother in law when she had a stroke...

When listed..you can make any/all medical decisions for that person...

Same thing with having a will...anyone can be named..doesn't have to be by marriage..

The main 'legal' issues for marriage are taxes and having someone added to your health care if yours or theirs is better than what you have...

Same with house ownership..You can list anyone of the deed..If for example..he owned the house now..he just gets a 'quick claim deed' to add your name...

So..sorry for the OT a little...but just wanted to stress that you don't have to wait another day to do the HCPOA...you can print them out online and have it notarized...
Trying to figure out how to reply and make sense. I have a trust because of my assets and kids. My health care directive/medical power of attorney had my brother first, now he is second and Troy is first. I also gave Troy a, ack can't remember the name, oh, life estate in the house so he would still be able to live here if something happened to me. If we weren't getting married we would have done the same for him but it doesn't seem worth the fees considering the time frame. Still I am going to be nervous until the I dos.

True story, Troy read the documents and the first thing he said was do you realize you just gave me the power to put you in a nut house.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #14  October 25,2010, 6:47pm
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
What I see with Troy is that he totally loves me and that is why he is kinda afraid. You see so many marriages start for the wrong reasons. Ya know the I am insecure I will treat him well till I get the ring and then go all lazy and unaffectionate on him. So the fear is things are perfect, you are my wife, why mess it up. I hope that makes sense.
This is a VERY real fear, and for good reason. Many men (and women, myself included) have had this happen to them and you feel terribly betrayed. The next time the issue comes up, it makes you wonder what you could possibly gain from marrying someone when the risk of losing something good is looming so large.

Given that, I would marry again, but I'd have to be absolutely sure (which I am with my boyfriend, but he hasn't asked - yet). But not wanting to get married doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
 
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skitermon is offline skitermon Post #15  October 25,2010, 9:45pm
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squirrellover wrote :
I think the term "girlfriend" means "she's the one I'm with for now", wife is an outward show of "this is the person I intend to spend my life with"...it's also so much more than that...to me.

YES!!! It is the way he treats you. His actions!!! Not words or what a piece of paper means!!! Does he treat you like a "girlfriend" or someone he deeply cares about, as in wants to spend the rest of his life together with you?

squirrellover wrote :
I think the term "girlfriend" means "she's the one I'm with for now", wife is an outward show of "this is the person I intend to spend my life with"...it's also so much more than that...to me.
Let's be honest, this is what you thought from the start! Now that you got him, you are telling how you "always" felt!
Last edited by skitermon; October 25,2010 at 9:52pm.
 
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squirrellover is offline squirrellover Post #16  October 26,2010, 1:40pm
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I do have all that stuff covered in my will...my brother is listed as my power of attorney. It was all written before I met my guy. I need to change it at some point.

He does treat me well, and married or not, I have no doubt that we will be together for always. (helps that we're older and "always" isn't all that long...ha...it was a joke friends!)

Dancing fool...I have never told him that I feel that way...I just told y'all here. We talk about anything and everything. He's said (in the past) that he'd want us to be together for 5 years before getting married.

Skitermon, I used to think a wife/husband was someone you were "stuck" with...so no, this isn't how I've always felt. I admit that I'm the one who changed her mind. I can't tell you how or why, just that now I have a desire to be married, which I haven't had for the 20 years between getting divorced and now.
 
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numbertheorist is offline numbertheorist Post #17  October 28,2010, 11:02am
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Marriage is important to you. It doesn't matter that you've changed your mind. People change during relationships, and couples compromise to adjust to change.

Write down why marriage and marrying him is important to you, present it to him, and compromise to make it work. I think you'll do great.

Good luck!
 
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churumbeque is online now churumbeque Post #18  October 29,2010, 12:24pm
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Hmm, living with someone I am totally into or splitting up because he doesn't want to get married so maybe I will eventually meet someone else I may want to marry and hope he feels the same? Easy choice for me. Marriage changes things and I wouldn't take that risk if things are going as well as you say. Power of attorneys can give you legal rights as posted before.
 
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TinkerBelle007 is offline TinkerBelle007 Post #19  November 4,2010, 7:33pm
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"Why do we need that piece of paper?" = I'm still not ready to commit.

Let it be. Don't bring it up anymore. Don't mention it again. Don't push it. NO ultimatems. Don't move out. Don't order wedding magazines.

Your age, children and divorces make your situation different than most couples living together. Give him time to feel comfortable "being married" to you without the paper and wedding. If he is the one and all you want is to be with him then don't get anxious, just be with him. He will marry when it is best for him and his children. If he is the one and respects you he will sign the paper and you will have the wedding. Tread lightly or you will scare him away and miss out on a ton of happiness.
 
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