scorpio67 is offline scorpio67 Post #1  October 20,2010, 1:12pm
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I am 42 years old and married with 3 children ages 23,18 and 16, Five years ago i met another man who i fell deeply in love with, we are still seeing each other now. He is 59, married with 1 daughter and she knows about our relationship. She is ok about it. We so much want to be together but we havent got a clue what to do. A couple of years ago he had an accident at work and hasnt worked since, i dont work so we dont have any money between us. I am not happy at all at home, there is always arguments and fights, and i have felt for years that i dont want to be here, i just want to be with my other man, he cares for me deeply which i have never ever felt before, and i feel the same about him, we hate being apart from each other. We are stuck and dont know what to do. Please can anyone help.


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juju
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  October 20,2010, 2:01pm
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Sooo.... you and him both are living off your spouses and cheating on them while you are at it....fabulous... Now that I got that out of my system....

Do you know what happens to an affair after it becomes real? It dies. While an affair is an affair, it's all adrenaline, fantasy and butterflies. When an affair turns into a real legitimate relationship, reality comes right with it. Bills, arguments, problems - in short reality will bite you in the rear and you'll end up feeling the same - unloved. Why? You did not figure out how to handle the hardships of your first relationship, the second won't actually work any better either. There is no magic.

So bottom line is that you have two options. One - get real, quit cheating, get back to your marriage, get some counseling and figure out how to make it work. Two - get a job and a divorce and stand on your own two feet and see how that works out for you.
 
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Mythical is offline Mythical Post #3  October 20,2010, 2:09pm
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So, you are both married, with kids, and you fell for each other and want to ditch your spouses who you made life long commitments to and screw up your kids? Then move in together even though you have no money to live off of?

Sounds like hell to me. Even if you both divorced and found a way to earn something, it will be years before you get through the legal battles and get to a stable place. And by then you might not have each other... so much can happen. So much can go wrong, and you'll hurt a LOT of people in the process, that you can't even fathom the emotional struggles you'll have to wade through.

I know you think you love this guy, and he's the best thing ever, but you don't live with him. You really don't know how life would be any better with him. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is online now Dropdeadredtx Post #4  October 20,2010, 2:31pm
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Scorpio67, I must tell you that you are probably not going to find a lot of sympathy or suggestions on these boards for someone knowingly and willingly involved in double infidelity.
 
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margaret18 is offline margaret18 Post #5  October 20,2010, 4:19pm
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scorpio67 wrote :
I am 42 years old and married with 3 children ages 23,18 and 16, Five years ago i met another man who i fell deeply in love with, we are still seeing each other now. He is 59, married with 1 daughter and she knows about our relationship. She is ok about it. We so much want to be together but we havent got a clue what to do. A couple of years ago he had an accident at work and hasnt worked since, i dont work so we dont have any money between us. I am not happy at all at home, there is always arguments and fights, and i have felt for years that i dont want to be here, i just want to be with my other man, he cares for me deeply which i have never ever felt before, and i feel the same about him, we hate being apart from each other. We are stuck and dont know what to do. Please can anyone help.


Thanx
juju

why don't you work? is that something you could do? part of your problem is financial independence. you need to find a way to live honestly. making your own money is a start, then you will be able to live on your own or with this man.

i supported a man for years. if he had then left me for a man that would have been the pits. however, living dishonestly is far worse.
 
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RcK7247 is offline RcK7247 Post #6  October 20,2010, 5:23pm
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Ok, first off, having been cheated on by my ex I have to say your wrong.
But as for you as a woman I will tell you this. Any man who would cheat on one wife will cheat on you to. And if he is capable of having sex, he is physicaly capable to work at something. Honestly the man you descibe isn't worth keeping. If you want out of your marrage so be it. But for god sakes find a better man.
 
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grlnxtdr is offline grlnxtdr Post #7  October 20,2010, 6:16pm
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It sounds like the issue is really your marriage and your unhappiness in it. The other man is just a mental escape from your marriage. I suggest you figure out what you are going to do about your unhappy marriage. Either fix it and make it happy, leave it and make yourself happy. If you are going to leave your marriage you will have to figure out how to take care of yourself financially. Running into the arms of your lover to solve your life problems is not the best solution.

Let's just say magically you are no longer married. You and your lover are free to do however you wish. Where will you live? How will you pay the bills? How will you care for him, since he has been in an accident? What will the kids think? What about your extended family (mom, dad, cousins, Aunts Uncles?) Will your ex-husband go psycho and cause problems?

You have gotten yourself into a mess. It is up to you to figure out how to get out of it. You have made some un wise choices in your life. Either you married a man whom you never really loved, or you let your passion get the best of you and are ruining a good marriage. Both bad choices. Don't make more bad decisions, before you have really thought about the reality of your situation.

Maybe your lover is just a distraction from your otherwise unhappy life. Perhaps you need to work on yourself. Go back to school, get a job, do something positive for yourself. You can not depend on any man to make you happy and solve all of your problems.

At least you admit on these boards that you have a big problem. Don't make it worse for yourself by making poor choices.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #8  October 20,2010, 11:34pm
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Dear Scorpio67,

Welcome to eHarmony Advice (eHA) and thanks for posting.

You sound so very unhappy and are thinking that the way to happiness is through someone else.

Please be advised that is NEVER the case.

You see, happiness is a choice that a person makes inside him- or her-self irrespective of the circumstances.

It also sounds like your self-esteem is very low.

Here's what you should do to help yourself:

1. Call your primary doctor (or it could be your pastor or a really good friend) and get some referrals for a good, licensed professional counselor / therapist.

Or, you could call a non-profit organziation that specializes in helping families for free and ask for a referral to a counselor in your area.

The number for the one I'm thinking of is: 1-800-232-6459. Ask to speak to their Counseling Dept. and ask for some referrals in your area if they have any.

Additionally, ask to speak to one of their state-licensed counselors, also known as Family Care Specialists, for free. They will take your name and number and a counselor will call you back in a day or two. Your information will be kept completely confidential. They will help you get off to the good start that you need.

Keeping in mind that counseling / therapy in your locale will be a process rather than a one-time event, make sure you're a good fit with the person (that doesn't mean that they will agree with you) you're seeing.

Be advised that many places also have sliding scale. Ask ahead of time.

2. Next, and this will be hard and you won't feel like doing it . . . . You must tell your husband what has been going on and accept full responsibility for your actions. Leave out the nitty-gritty details however as that will cause great pain and hurt. Cover the basics: How long, Man's name, etc. but don't talk about what kind of lover he was, what positions, how you felt with him, etc. Be truthful but kind.

Ask your husband to go to counseling with you. Not everything is your husband's fault. You share responsibility too. Sometimes the counselor might see you all together, sometimes one or another individually.

It's very important to work on your marriage and seek to rekindle what you once had. Until you talk with your husband, he will not know how serious everything is with you and how much both of you need to be seeing a counselor.

3. While all this is happening, and as another poster wrote, the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence - though it may seem so through your rose-colored lenses.

You see, relationships outside of marriage are not what regular life is about and you're not seeing each other 24 / 7 to see the downside of the relationship.

If you were to divorce your husband and be with this man, there's an extremely high probability that you would be just as unhappy, if not more so, with this man, than your husband.

What you're not realizing is that with this second man, everything will all become routine over time just like it is now with your husband. Because it's forbidden, it's exciting. Pretty soon, it will all be the samo, samo with the new guy as it is with you husband.

There will come a time with this man when suddenly, it "dawns" on one or the other of you that you or he doesn't have anything better than you or he had before in your previous relationships; it all starts to unravel, and divorce looms again.

Further, second marriages have a much higher divorce rate than first marriages according to the statistics.

You're living in a dream - a fantasy - of what it would be like with your lover - but that's not how it would be in reality.

You'd both get very tired of not having any money and people cannot live on love despite what songs or movies or magazines may suggest.

Love starts to grow very thin and then dissipate when there's no money to pay the mortgage / rent, utilities, buy food, car insurance, car repairs, and so on.

And, though it might not seem so now, do you really want to possibly lose your children? Cause them tremendous instability? Force them to decide between you and your dad (they may feel that way)? Have them disrespect you? Is this the example you want to send them in their vulnerable teen and young adult years?

You're living in a fantasy that doesn't exist quite simply and you've lost your rational thought about it all as you're so caught up in these rosy thoughts that will never match the reality.

You're on a fool's quest that will bring you even more unhappiness than you could possibly know.

That's why the only way out is to start counseling, confess to your husband and ask his forgiveness (whether he gives it is up to him), and then deal with the consequences of the fall-out.

And why must you confess all this to your husband you ask? Because it is the right thing to do, because you must ask him to forgive you, because it will show him how seriously in trouble his marriage is, and because it will show him that he needs to also work to make the marriage work and a good place to start is with couple's / individual therapy. There's many more reasons also.

He probably already knows something is going on anyway with you and someone else.

Telling him won't be pleasant . . . .

Of course, you also need to confess your sin to God and repent (turn away). This is important so you can have a clean slate with God and so you will know you're forgiven and don't suffer endless guilt for the rest of your life. God does forgive our sins when we've asked him to. It is important to turn away from our sin and not repeat it over and over. That's what the repentence part is.

4. Of course, it goes without saying you MUST cease all contact with this man NOW - today. You won't feel like it but do it anyway. Eventually, your feelings will come around.

You cannot respect yourself when you're living a life of duplicity and it only continues to lower your self-esteem.

Continue to play with fire and you will be burned - severely.

5. Here's two websites that will be of great help and encouragement to you:

www.troubledwith.com
www.family.org

6. If you do not attend a good Bible-believing church, start going to different ones until you find one you and the kids are a good match for.

Churches are very welcoming and you will meet women there that you can start forming friendships with. This will provide support and encouragement to you.

7. There is nothing you've done that God can't forgive and so that should be such a relief to you.

Now, you need to be the person God intended for you to be with strong core-values, morals, a good wife, a good mother.

Maybe your spouse is not the best husband or father but he's the one you married 'til death do you part.

What I'm hoping you will understand is that all relationships go through low points and if the parties haven't developed some way of coming back together, than the wedge continues to grow until it's as big as the Grand Canyon. Start building the bridge.

The same will happen with you and your lover down the road. Again, the grass is not greener. You're just so unhappy right now, it only seems that way but it's a mirage - it's a complete illusion. It's not real. It's fantasy.

You must get it out of your head that getting together with this man will make you happy and end your problems. It will not. It will only worsen them.

Actually, if you proceed with your fantasy, you will have unhappiness like you've never known before most likely.

These kinds of situations simply don't work out. Imagine the terrible stress level of no money - or very little - possibly being estranged from your children, causing your children to go into tailspins, and on and on.

You are a wife and a mother and you need to fulfill your responsibilities and you can choose to be happy doing so.

You have way too much time on your hands which is why you fell into this affair. Volunteer at your children's school. Go to the local nursing home and ask which residents haven't had visitors and bring some joy into their lives. Help an elderly neighbor with getting groceries or getting to a doctor's appt.

All around you are opportunities to serve and be a blessing to others. No illicit affair can give you the high that doing something for another can.

Your husband is not all to blame. Usually, there's fault on both sides.

Please call that number: 1-800-232-6459, and ask for a counselor referral in your area and then make an appt. with them for one of their state-licensed counselors to call you back. Don't wait.

Please write and let us know how you're doing.

JavaJava5
Last edited by javajava5; October 21,2010 at 5:04am.
 
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RcK7247 is offline RcK7247 Post #9  October 21,2010, 12:46am
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One more word of advice in referance to java java 5's advice. While it is important to get things out in the open with your husband, be sure to talk with the someone like a councler or minister first. And if your husband is a type that may become violent then keep in mind that telling him will likely cause such a reaction. And it may be best to tell him in a councling session.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #10  October 21,2010, 1:52am
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RcK7247 wrote :
One more word of advice in referance to java java 5's advice. While it is important to get things out in the open with your husband, be sure to talk with the someone like a councler or minister first. And if your husband is a type that may become violent then keep in mind that telling him will likely cause such a reaction. And it may be best to tell him in a councling session.
Dear RcK7247,

Yes, great advice. I was thinking this while I was writing but didn't get it put into words. I was numbering the steps in the order I thought they should go and something like this should be said in a counseling session if at all possible - most especially if the other person is physically abusive - but even if they're not.

That way, someone is there to help the other person in their moment of shock / anger / grief / depression - though whatever feeling(s) will continue for a while until they're worked through and the cheating party is forgiven.

JavaJava5

P. S. Welcome to eHarmony Advice (eHA).
 
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