What to do when your boyfriend has feelings for another?


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gradstudent88 is offline gradstudent88 Post #1  October 18,2010, 4:32pm
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So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years. We have had one of the best and strongest relationships that I have ever been in before. We get along great and have really developed a strong bond with each other. A year ago we started talking about marriage and how we could seriously foresee spending a future together. He is a year older, and this semester I started attending the same grad school as him (he was not the persuasive factor for me coming here, it was the best school I got into and the one that I liked the most). And up until this point, things have been damn near perfect.

However, we have run into serious problems. This past summer we lived together (it was not the first time we lived together) and worked separate jobs. We started to have normal relationship issues that arise after being with someone for two years: we got into a rut, he didn't think I was paying enough attention to him, etc. These weren't serious problems, but they were problems, nonetheless. At that same time, he started talking to one of his old friends from undergrad. It started off purely innocent, and they got along really well. Well, as we continued to work on our problems, he started to develop feelings for this other guy. It escalated to the point where he finally came clean to me. We tried to stick it out for a few weeks, but he said that it made him feel guilty to be with me while he still had feelings for someone else. So we took a break for a few days to figure things out, he made out with the guy, and the next day he told me that things were clear and that he knew he wanted to be with me. All of this occurred right before classes started for both of us.

During the first week or two of class we were fine. It wasn't stressful, and things were getting back to where they used to be in our relationship. However, as we got more and more stressed and our workload grew, we started falling back into the same rut as before. When this happened, he started to feel for this other guy again, even though he hadn't spoken to him since that night. A few nights ago we were out and he saw the guy at a bar, and apparently that brought back the feelings he thought he had dealt with. He said that it complicated things more, and he doesn't know what to do.

We've been talking the past few days, and he decided that we should take a break so that he can put things into perspective. He says that trying to deal with the expectations of a relationship just make him feel like a crappy person and he needs to take a step back in order to deal with everything. He told me that he still loves me, and he wants nothing more than to completely get over this other guy so that we can go back to how we were before. Throughout this entire thing he has been honest with me about everything, so I'd rather not people tell me that he's lying to go screw around with this other guy. What I'm looking for is advice from people who have been in a similar situation. Living together just makes things more complicated because it's harder to physically separate ourselves. And moving out isn't really an option because we're busy with grad school and our lease ends in June. I'm just wondering if anyone has been through this before and how you've dealt with it. Is taking a break the best idea? Or should we stay together and try to work through it? He says that staying together just makes him more upset and stressed because he feels like a crappy person and that he's being unfair to me. Both of us are just really confused at this point. He says he doesn't know if he can work on our problems if he's thinking of someone else, but I'm hoping that if we work on our issues, then the other guy won't pose such a problem anymore. He says that it still feels good to be with me and to date me, he's just confused as to what the best course of action is to take.

Any advice/tips/suggestions would be helpful.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  October 18,2010, 4:43pm
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I don't think you're going to get much helpful advice on same-sex relationships from the men here other than he's just not that into you.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  October 18,2010, 5:07pm
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I don't see the gender of the OP's partner's interest as germane to her question.

Personally, my thought is to make it through your in-process education and try to keep things stable and conducive to supporting the education - it matters to get that right, and it's for limited time.

It sounds like you have a decent development of a bad situation, in that your partner appears to be honest. At least, with that, you can manage the situation without undue effort or worry.
 
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writergal is offline writergal Post #4  October 18,2010, 5:16pm
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I think this problem exists for both same-sex and hetero-sexual relationships.

My first reaction is to say that he should be able to put things into perspective without you two having to take a break.

Taking a break from each other isn't going to solve the relationship problems. Since relationships are a two-way street, you both need to participate in the maintenance and compromising that it takes to maintain a strong bond with each other.

It sounds like you really want this relationship to work, but your partner is unsure and feels guilty for not meeting your expectations of the relationship. What are your expectations of the relationship? What are his? Are they similar or do you both have different expectations? Maybe you need to both redefine your expectations with each other, and start over. Re-court/romance each other again. Work on rebuilding trust with each other. Make your relationship the #1 priority as much as you can, while you're both in grad school.

But if you've tried reasoning with him and he still wants out of the relationship, he should just be honest with you. And if that turns out to be the case, then it's unfortunate. But you deserve to be with someone who doesn't retreat when things get tough. And if you need to move out, use a roommate service in your city to help you, or check Craigslist or ask friends or look around campus for roommate postings. That's the worst case scenario here.

Since you both attend the same grad school, would you be open to seeing a counselor on campus together?
 
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annother is offline annother Post #5  October 18,2010, 5:35pm
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He has cheated on you (if not sexually, at least emotionally) and now he wants to cheat again. It does not sound as though you had agreed to an open relationship, so I think it is over.

As difficult as it might be to split right now, I cannot see how you could tolerate living together under the circumstances.
 
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SavannahGal is offline SavannahGal Post #6  October 18,2010, 8:18pm
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Since it's not clear what your problems are that you need to work through, other than the damage of trust due to his interest in the other guy and acting upon it, it's hard to advise you beyond saying that you should try some couples counseling. I don't believe in taking a break -- you either work through it or break up. Maybe you need someone to guide you through working through the problems though.
 
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writergal is offline writergal Post #7  October 18,2010, 8:26pm
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I agree with SavanahGal about the couples counseling. If one partner in a relationship uses "let's take a break" it's not a solution, but an excuse to avoid dealing with the problems in the relationship. It's an indirect way of starting the break-up process with you, rather than just making a clean break. He's stringing you along by sitting on the fence about his feelings for you in the relationship. He either wants to be with you or he doesn't. There is no "maybe" when it comes to love.

Couples counseling will help because it will provide you both with a framework where you can both safely work though your problems together with the help and insight of a trained therapist. Check out your grad school's counseling center since counseling is free to enrolled students. And it's confidential so none of your friends or classmates need to or would know about your counseling sessions.

But if your boyfriend maintains that he wants to take a break, that's just a different way of saying "break up." Otherwise he'd work through things with you. The other guy he cheated on you with is just a symptom of the problems between you both, but not the cause. When a person cheats, it's done as a way to avoid confronting conflict in a relationship. That conflict being the cheating partner's desire to leave the relationship but afraid of confronting their partner about their desire to leave. Otherwise, he wouldn't have made out with that guy if he was truly happy with his relationship with you. That's not your fault either.
Last edited by writergal; October 18,2010 at 8:33pm.
 
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numbertheorist is offline numbertheorist Post #8  October 19,2010, 11:10am
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Move out.

Your boyfriend needs time, and no contact with you, to sort things out. Only time will heal him.

Good luck!
 
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howardtheduck is offline howardtheduck Post #9  October 19,2010, 2:38pm
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annother wrote :
He has cheated on you (if not sexually, at least emotionally) and now he wants to cheat again. It does not sound as though you had agreed to an open relationship, so I think it is over.

As difficult as it might be to split right now, I cannot see how you could tolerate living together under the circumstances.
Emotional cheating, as you termed it, is much worse than a series of physical acts. This type of cheating is the total embodiment of someone who has no value for you at all.

Your relationship is over.
 
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KungFuFtr is offline KungFuFtr Post #10  October 19,2010, 2:55pm
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I don't know if counseling can really help in this situation. Obviously, the guy is having problems in the relationship, probably mostly with his sexuality.
 
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