rae019 is offline rae019 Post #1  September 11,2010, 8:59pm
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Well im from Mass. and me and my boyfriend decided to do this whole long distance thing. i moved across the country to go to college and were so far away from each other that it just feels nothing is there anymore. we visit each other but it feels like we've grown apart so much that it feels like there is nothing to our relationship anymore. We talk every night but it feels like we just put a hold on our relationship.

Should we stay together or break up? if we break up i just feel like it not fair to him that im moving on without him and its not fair to me that im stuck in this when i could be moving forward. I've also helped him through the rough times of his life like when his dad left and when his mom lost her job and they had to relocate. i just feel theres to much keeping me in this relationship that if i wanted to, i have no way out. How would i even go about doing it?
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #2  September 11,2010, 9:15pm
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There comes a point in many relationships during college age when couples can feel that they have grown apart. That can happen as a part of growing up. Experiences simply mold you into different people from who you were when you first started to date, and you no longer feel the same nor share the same relationship goals.

If you feel nothing when you are together, then it really is time to end things, IMO. I can't suggest to you the right way to do it because I don't know how often you travel back and if it would be more practical to do this by Skype sooner than later (if your next visit will be months away) so you still are face-to-face.

Have you got any inkling that he feels the same when you are together or do you think breaking up would hit him from out of the blue? That might be a consideration for how you break it to him, as you might have a friendship in the end out of this since he talks to you daily, especially if the spark is gone for him too.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #3  September 11,2010, 10:02pm
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Dear Rae019,

It's my pleasure meeting you here on eHarmony Advice (eHA) and thanks for posting.

You may not realize it, but your situation is quite common in your age group.

On these boards you will see people who went together in high school and had such a strong relationship; then, went to college and discovered they didn't have that much in common anymore.

Actually, it's to be expected. The late teens and early 20's are years in which many, many changes are taking place.

Young men and women are coming to know themselves, they're out on their own away from their parents and families many times, and they're making their own decisions, discovering their own interests, and becoming their own persons.

Simply, that's all that's happening here.

You and this young man once shared a closeness that you do not anymore - the reasons don't really matter.

Since honesty with kindness is always the best policy, you should go ahead and break it off with him. It's not right or fair to either of you to keep up the pretense.

Additionally, it keeps both of you from moving on and meeting others.

It's not that you're moving on without him . . . He'll be moving on, too, in his own way - the way he see fit.

Additionally, just because you've helped a person through rough times is not a reason to stay with a person one is no longer interested in.

Keep in mind both guys and girls want to be loved for who they are, not because someone feels obligated because he or she helped the person through a difficult situation.

You do have a way out. You're the only one keeping you in a relationship. For some reason, you're feeling needless guilt about breaking up and you do not need to be.

Guilt is NOT a reason to stay together.

Simply tell him kindly, that you're sorry, but you no longer have the feelings you once had for him. If you like, you can tell him there's no one else, but you want to break it off. Tell him you've had some wonderful times with him but you've thought about it carefully and made up your mind. Tell him you're sorry for any hurt you're causing him but you knew you had to be honest with him.

Be short and sweet. Don't overly explain because that might give him the idea he can discuss it with you and change your mind.

After you tell him, get off the phone. Don't prolong it. It may be a shock to him or maybe not. Maybe he'll secretly be relieved. We really don't know but his reaction is no longer your concern - though of course you do wish him the best.

Going "cold turkey" is the least painful way for both of you, so after you break it off, don't respond to any calls, texts, emails, or whatever. Take him out of your phone, off facebook, wherever.

Continuing in any way at all causes continued angst on the part of both parties and potential hope on the part of the party that still may care.

Wishing you well and let us know how it goes.

JavaJava5
Last edited by javajava5; September 11,2010 at 10:06pm.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #4  September 12,2010, 11:22am
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Very nice post JavaJava5 -- it really says all there is to say. I think that's why nobody has added anything more until my post now!
 
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annother is offline annother Post #5  September 12,2010, 11:27am
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Long distance relationships are difficult at any age. If you feel that the relationship is "on hold" and that "nothing is there any more," then it is time to end it.

I agree that it would be best to do this in person, but if that won't happen until the Christmas vacation, you should do it either on Skype (or similar) or over the phone. This is never an easy thing to do, but it's better than a long drawn-out decline in the relationship.
 
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