I need a barometer reading...sorry this is long...


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gerberdaisy is offline gerberdaisy Post #1  September 11,2010, 1:51pm
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Hi Everyone,


I have been out of the dating scene for over 15 years. 1 year ago tomorrow my husband of 14 years told me he had been having an affair and he made a half effort for 3 weeks to reconcile. He moved out the day before our 14th anniversary. We are legally separated, no contact and waiting for the divorce to be final.

In January I met a guy I "dated" for about 3 months. I got out b/c it was just such an unhealthy relationship. In April I met and dated another guy for about 6 weeks - not a bad experience, just not for me and we are friends.

Enter new guy...we met on line around the first of July. We have been seeing each other for about 6 weeks. Probably 3 - 4 times a week and in between communicate through e-mail and phone. We both live in a small city and know a lot of the same people. His son and my son are actually friends (they are both 20). I have met and spent time with him and his 18 year old daughter. He has told his family about me, his friends know about me. He has met and spent time with my son (my only other family member is my mother who is in a nursing home).

Last Saturday we went to breakfast with his daughter. After breakfast we came back to my home and his daughter went with her friends. We were "house bound" most of the day because of Hurricane Earl. So you can all guess what happened... Early evening we went to his place and he cooked supper and we watched a couple of movies.

He told me to phone him Sunday morning, so I did. He had things he had to do and said he would phone me when he was done. Everything he needed to do was legit because he received phone calls on Saturday and made plans to help a couple friends with some stuff and go to his mother's. Well, he didn't phone until 10 PM. He apologized, asked if I was mad at him. Told me he had 3 reasons to be calling so late. 1) His work took longer than expected. 2) His cell phone went dead and my number is in the contact list and he couldn't get it and 3) He needed some time to think about things!!!

The conversation went on - he said he didn't have a real good feeling Sunday morning and couldn't figure out what it was then realized he was scared. The more time he spends with me the more time he wants to spend with me and he is afraid things may be moving too fast, and he doesn't want either of us to make a mistake and have regrets or be hurt. He wants things to progress naturally and not hurry. He wants to have fun, and do things together and enjoy ourselves. Not ready for seeing each other everyday 24/7 and knowing every move the other makes all day long. We had a long talk and we are not and will not be seeing other people. He told me he would always be honest with me. I asked him to tell me if he didn't want to see me anymore - he said he would and it wouldn't be in an e-mail or a phone call and asked that I do the same with him. For right now, communication every day and we will see each other 2 or 3 times a week.

He also told me he had a "special" friend (he had already told me about her). They dated for about 6 months 6 years ago. Not good together romantically but very good friends. She has a special needs daughter he spends time with. (He is a school teacher) He told her about me and said he hoped I would meet her and we could be friends b/c she is important to him. We covered a lot of things. He said he would call me Monday and we both hung up feeling better.

Monday he did call, brought coffee and we spent the afternoon together. Didn't do anything just sat and talked about stuff. No awkwardness or uncomfortable moments.

He has a sports car and is away this weekend to a car show. He said he had been thinking about asking me to go, but wanted to do this trip alone because he wanted to visit people he hasn't seen this summer and spend one night with them. (Again legitimate - he and his daughter were telling me about them). I have attended a couple of functions with him and know people in the club, so he wouldn't be taking anyone else because I would find out about it. I thanked him for telling me this. I knew he was going and for him not to mention it at all to me wouldn't be okay with me.

So in the past 5 days I haven't seen him, but we have had daily e-mails to keep in touch. This was the first week of school and he teaches at one of the high schools and is also department head. He told me a couple of weeks ago the first couple weeks would be super busy.

The other positive thing here is he hasn’t been on line in over 3 weeks – and neither have I. This man has been nothing but kind, attentive, considerate and present. He has always done what he said he was going to do. I think the fact that he felt comfortable enough to talk to me about this says something...a lot of people - both men and women would back off in this situation. He said he appreciates the comfort level between us and felt it was there within 30 minutes of meeting each other – I felt the same thing.

I am writing all this and asking about this because I have had so many people leave my life unexpectedly in a 7 month period that I have no idea how to read things and always prepare for the worst. My father died very unexpectedly and then my husband and stepson moved out and no one in his family (parents or siblings) has tried to contact my son or me in the past year. No good-byes, so now I find I need to have some sort of closure when things are done so I can move on. I really hate that I am like this…I am very strong and confident in every area of my life except this and I keep these feelings and issues well hidden.

So I need a read on this…sorry this got so long…

Daisy
 
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pammersw is offline pammersw Post #2  September 12,2010, 1:37pm
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Daisy, I can understand why you'd feel uneasy about people leaving. My dad died, unexpectedly, about a month into my divorce. It can be tough to deal with the loss of a parent and the end of a marriage at the same time! Acknowledge the fear that others will also leave you - face it - and you can overcome the anxiety that this guy will also leave.

I do have to question, though, whether you are truly ready to date again. Have the issues surrounding your father's death and your nearly-ex's infidelity been dealt with, yet? I, too, was told I was a strong person, that I was dealing with everything is such a good way -- but I jumped into a relationship too soon, before I'd had a chance to work out all the feelings I'd buried over those two losses.

It wasn't until the second relationship fell apart that I finally faced the issues I had surrounding the simultaneous events of my dad's death & the death of my marriage.

I can highly recommend the Grief Share and Divorce Care classes all around the U.S. They are usually only the cost of the workbook, about $15, and well worth it in the amount of healing that takes place in the 3-month long weekly classes.

One thing I learned in those classes is that it usually takes about 1 year for every 4 you were married before you are truly ready for a new relationship. By that measure, you are probably at least a year or two away from being able to give your heart to another without fear.

You need to be in a place where someone being gone, or being out of contact with you for a few days, doesn't send you into a tailspin.

Good luck!
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  September 12,2010, 2:53pm
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Hi gerberdaisy -- it sounds like you and your bf have unusually good communication. And, you say he is very upfront and open with you about where he is, what he's doing, what he's thinking, what he's feeling.

If all that's true, and you're still feeling insecure and scared -- it's likely it is coming from your past experiences. No need to beat yourself up about it ("I hate that I'm like this"). You're a human, and we humans react strongly to the loss of important people.

Pammersw's advice is great -- find ways to work through your previous losses more completely. It does sound like you may have entered into dating too soon after your divorce ... but here you are, in what sounds like a promising relationship. See if you can stay there, and work on loss issues, at the same time, perhaps?

I wish you well with it!
 
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astro42 is offline astro42 Post #4  September 12,2010, 3:01pm
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Nothing in what you post seems unusual, so I hope that's a comfort to you. I had the same track as you. I started dating about 6 months or so after I separated from my wife, and they really didn't go anywhere, mostly because I wasn't ready. I'm still single, but feel I'm in a much better place since it's been a year (I was with her for 10 years, but married only about 5-6). It takes time to get over the loss, but hang in there.
 
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astro42 is offline astro42 Post #5  September 12,2010, 3:01pm
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Nothing in what you post seems unusual, so I hope that's a comfort to you. I had the same track as you. I started dating about 6 months or so after I separated from my wife, and they really didn't go anywhere, mostly because I wasn't ready. I'm still single, but feel I'm in a much better place since it's been a year (I was with her for 10 years, but married only about 5-6). It takes time to get over the loss, but hang in there.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #6  September 12,2010, 4:50pm
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I agree with the previous comments. You and he are both handling this with intelligence and dignity. It is wise to take a step back at this point, and ensure that you are both on the same page. It sounds as though you are.

The fact that you have not seen him for five days may or may not be significant, so I understand your misgivings. My sense, though, is that he is still in regular contact and that he is busy. I wouldn't assume the worst, by any means.
 
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gerberdaisy is offline gerberdaisy Post #7  September 12,2010, 7:50pm
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Thank you for your replies. You know, I worry too much. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best! He did phone this morning and we had a great conversation for over an hour. Just comfortable catching up talk. He told me this week coming up will be busier than last week b/c it is the first full week of school and after that things should be settling down.

Pammersw - I hear you about the timing. After my husband admitted to having an affair, I found out this had been one of many since we were married. This revelation made it easier for me to detach and see things for what they were. I felt as if my entire time with him was a lie. I am doing very well in every area of my life except the uncertainty of people just walking away and I am working on that. New guy knows about this and is very patient and understanding about it. I am not insecure about where he is or what he is doing - it is when I don't hear from him that the feelings start - that is why we have daily communication of some sort.

Thank you again,

Daisy
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #8  September 13,2010, 5:23am
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Agree with Astro, below, the first part of your post says it all There is an interesting article regarding "needs space " and "she's just a friend" Good luck, hang in there.
http://advice.eharmony.com/article/dating-men-when-he-says-x-he-means-y.html
astro42 wrote :
Nothing in what you post seems unusual, so I hope that's a comfort to you. I had the same track as you. I started dating about 6 months or so after I separated from my wife, and they really didn't go anywhere, mostly because I wasn't ready. I'm still single, but feel I'm in a much better place since it's been a year (I was with her for 10 years, but married only about 5-6). It takes time to get over the loss, but hang in there.
 
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psgcooldog is online now psgcooldog Post #9  September 13,2010, 7:04am
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gerberdaisy wrote :
Thank you for your replies. You know, I worry too much. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best! He did phone this morning and we had a great conversation for over an hour. Just comfortable catching up talk. He told me this week coming up will be busier than last week b/c it is the first full week of school and after that things should be settling down.

Pammersw - I hear you about the timing. After my husband admitted to having an affair, I found out this had been one of many since we were married. This revelation made it easier for me to detach and see things for what they were. I felt as if my entire time with him was a lie. I am doing very well in every area of my life except the uncertainty of people just walking away and I am working on that. New guy knows about this and is very patient and understanding about it. I am not insecure about where he is or what he is doing - it is when I don't hear from him that the feelings start - that is why we have daily communication of some sort.

Thank you again,

Daisy
It sounds to me like you've found an extremely honest and honorable man who likes you a lot, and is being just a little bit cautious.
 
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