Should you wait for the man to say I love you first?


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buffythescientist is offline buffythescientist Post #61  June 23,2008, 1:57pm
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dariusX,144847 wrote :

dubistdu,135241 wrote :


BSchorr,135179 wrote :





I don't like to play games. If you're sure you love him then you should tell him so.


I don't like to play game because I suck at it. I don't know the rules and I don't even know how to play it.


So I thought honesty would be the best policy and I will just be myself....and.....well I didn't say I love him but expressed my interest.


Then he lost interest in me. Before I had any interest in him he sent me endless mesages, emails, with sweetest words possible.


Then I talked to my girl friends about this and all their answer was....


"J*******, you need to play the game. All the guys say they don't like games but they play it.


That's the only way to get a guy"


Well, too bad, I'm doomed. I suck at the game. Someboy please write out a rule book and hand it to me. Then I will know.


So... me, no, I will never say it first. Cuz.... Im chicken and if it's a game that I am destined to not win, I will at least reserve my feeling.


I hate to say it but, I met a wonderful girl here on e-harmony- we corresponded for a couple months, met (as we lived nearby) and had a torrid soulmate love affair that lasted about 3 months- one mutually felt and irrepressible.


Then I made the mistake of venting my feelings to her totally during a love session and from that moment on things started changing- simply because I said "I Love You", and later that she needn't go home as she could stay. We were both 57 years old and supposedly mature enough to handle a real relationship.


To make a long story short- she dropped me within a month after my birthday over-nighter with her- she got up left in the morning and never even looked back. No discussion or arguments. She simply said a really emotional time had come for her and and things were "probably" moving too fast for us. She needed time to be alone. Then dead silence for 3 months. Then a get lost e-mail which I couldn't believe came from the same person asking me politely not to try to contact her any more.


From my viewpoint, my mental and physical health suffered greatly (in the hospital 3x for stress related ailments including heart arrythymias)I was unable to function and meet a book writing deadline and I am still in the throes of denial, hoping she'll come back.


I learned from her never to say "I Love You' verbally before marriage and will never again. Everything including sex may be okay before marriage, but the two words love and committment must be avoided at all cost. After 4 months of silence I've learned they are toxic to even soulmate relationships.


It's a shame, but sharing your true feelings comes at considerable risk- even in the protected environment of online dating-relationship making. The game players are everywhere- do what you have to do to protect yourself, no one else will.




you may want to look it up on the internet.....she could be borderline personality. sounds possible, and these people always do this.....


it may make some of the guilt about you saying I love you first go away.


3 months is a little soon. I think it's really hard to know whether it's love or infatuation in that period of time.


A friend of mine went through this EXACT thing. 3 months as well. it's very interesting.


I'm sorry. what a drag.
 
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Lindac7 is offline Lindac7 Post #62  July 5,2008, 2:26am
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I was once in a relationship with a guy who told me he loved me after we'd been dating about a month (I don't remember exactly). I could tell he had those feelings, and I was starting to feel something for him, too, but I wasn't nearly as far along on the continuum as he was. Since I understand the difference between being IN LOVE and loving someone for who they really are, when he said 'I love you', I didn't say it back right away, because it was too soon for me. The next time he said 'I love you', I told him I loved him, too, because I DID feel SOME love for him, though I wasn't IN LOVE with him, but I wanted to continue seeing him because I felt it could grow for both of us. I've been around the block and have learned to be cautious about such things, so I was taking it slowly and carefully. In addition, I've been through a few situations with men telling me they love me when they didn't even know who I was (really), so I knew it wasn't love they were feeling,they were speaking through their insecurity, and desperately seeking validation.


This particular guy who said it so soon also moved quickly through some other steps; asking me to date him exclusively, wanting to start having sex before I was sure I was ready, and asking me to marry him before we'd known each other 3 months. Can you say INSECURE? This sent up quite a few red flags to me, and sure enough,in time, every one of them proved to be right. He never really loved ME, he was IN LOVE with the idea of being with me, having me, and never wanted to leave my side. He needed to have me around so he could feel good about himself. Can you sayclingy and too emotionally needy? He kept telling me how crazy he was about me and how much in love with me he was. All this behavior specifically kept me from ever loving him more than I had in the beginning. I was stuck on a lower step of the stairs.


Needless to say, his behavioreventually drove me away, and I still don't think he ever really understood that what he felt for me wasn't really love, but that crazy, needy, insecure feeling of desperately seeking validation. What's really sad to me is how many people really don't know or understand the difference, and are not willing to put in the time and effort necessary in a relationship to get to the point of truly loving someone for who they are, instead of the infatuation with a fantasy phase, which ALWAYS eventually fades away in the cold light of day.


I'm a follower of a number of relationship experts besides Neil Clark Warren, one being Dr. Pat Allen (Psych PhD) in particular, and she states that it takes a YEAR for two people to really know each other well enough to decide if marriage is what they want. She further states that the year can easily be broken down into 4 phases: in the first 3 months, you think you've found the perfect person, you're madly in love, and you think you'll live happily ever after. The second 3 months, you start to notice little flaws and imperfections in this person, but you think they're cute, and you don't give them much thought. The third 3 months, these flaws are starting to annoy you, and you're having to have talks about them (in both directions). You're also beginning to realize this person is just as flawed as everyone else you've ever met. The fourth 3 months, you finally see the whole, trueperson (warts and all), and you have to make a choice as to whether you want to stay with them or not. Hopefully by then you've also seen this person in various situations with enough different people to see how they are with all the other people in their life.


Only when allfour of these phases have been passed through is the couple ready and able to make a fully conscious and rational decision about taking their relationship into the step of marriage. Keep in mind, the average person can only maintain a facade for roughly 3 months; after that, their true nature starts to peek through, bit by bit, until somewhere around months 6 to 9, you can pretty much bet you're starting to see the real person.


Pat Allen states that if this person is at least 51% valuable to you, then keep them, because the next person might be worse, and nobody is 100%. She also states that we're all jerks, and none of us are worth marrying, so if you're looking for the perfect person (for you), live alone, because he/she is not coming. There will always be areas of conflict that must be worked out, and therefore one of her stock phrases that I really like is (paraphrasing, not verbatim): "The way you know you love yourself and others is your willingness to make and keep your agreements with them."


In case anyone reading this isinterested in reading more of what Pat Allen has to say, she's written a book entitled, "Getting to 'I Do'", which I highly recommend. It's NOT just for people looking to get married; it's for anyone wanting to understand better how to conduct a healthy and mutually happy heterosexual relationship.
 
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scared_scottie is offline scared_scottie Post #63  November 5,2009, 1:26am
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I appreciate a woman who has the confidence to express herself however she feels is appropriate for the relationship. And if that means telling me she loves me before I tell her, so be it. Granted I may run for the hills before she finishes the sentence, but that's not the point. Freedom of expression is.
 
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AsianGal is offline AsianGal Post #64  November 5,2009, 1:33am
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I'm curious.
Why are people, especially men, so afraid of 'I love you'?
Its not as if someone is putting a gun to your head and saying "Marry me, meet my mom and live with my extended family or I'll blow your brains out."

Really, I'm intrigued.
 
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scared_scottie is offline scared_scottie Post #65  November 5,2009, 1:55am
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Personally, I was kidding. But I believe the male stereotype exists because men, more than women, seem to enjoy their singleness therefore, "I love you" can be seen as a threat to it. That's my theory anyway. And it's possible I have no idea what I'm saying.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #66  November 5,2009, 12:28pm
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The problem as I see it with telling is all the expectations that come with such statements. It's really hard to avoid the other party thinking you've got expectations once you tell and that can put inordinate pressure on the other person if they aren't there yet.

If you're ready to move on if he doesn't reciprocate, then it might be the right time for you to tell him your feelings and see how he feels. But you could be putting him on the spot before he's ready to commit, and he might just back away rather than risk leading you on.
Last edited by nightling; November 5,2009 at 12:30pm.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #67  November 5,2009, 12:35pm
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dariusX wrote :
I hate to say it but, I met a wonderful girl here on e-harmony- we corresponded for a couple months, met (as we lived nearby) and had a torrid soulmate love affair that lasted about 3 months- one mutually felt and irrepressible.


Then I made the mistake of venting my feelings to her totally during a love session and from that moment on things started changing- simply because I said "I Love You", and later that she needn't go home as she could stay. We were both 57 years old and supposedly mature enough to handle a real relationship.


To make a long story short- she dropped me within a month after my birthday over-nighter with her- she got up left in the morning and never even looked back. No discussion or arguments. She simply said a really emotional time had come for her and and things were "probably" moving too fast for us. She needed time to be alone. Then dead silence for 3 months. Then a get lost e-mail which I couldn't believe came from the same person asking me politely not to try to contact her any more.


From my viewpoint, my mental and physical health suffered greatly (in the hospital 3x for stress related ailments including heart arrythymias)I was unable to function and meet a book writing deadline and I am still in the throes of denial, hoping she'll come back.


I learned from her never to say "I Love You' verbally before marriage and will never again. Everything including sex may be okay before marriage, but the two words love and committment must be avoided at all cost. After 4 months of silence I've learned they are toxic to even soulmate relationships.


It's a shame, but sharing your true feelings comes at considerable risk- even in the protected environment of online dating-relationship making. The game players are everywhere- do what you have to do to protect yourself, no one else will.
To turn this around ...

You sir dodged a bullet. It's good you found out sooner rather than later that she is so emotionally disturbed that she would treat a soulmate like this.

I wish you luck finding someone who can appreciate you better.
 
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AsianGal is offline AsianGal Post #68  November 5,2009, 8:29pm
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scared_scottie wrote :
Personally, I was kidding. But I believe the male stereotype exists because men, more than women, seem to enjoy their singleness therefore, "I love you" can be seen as a threat to it. That's my theory anyway. And it's possible I have no idea what I'm saying.
Lol. Fair enough.
 
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cn230 is offline cn230 Post #69  November 7,2009, 11:45pm
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i met this lady and we have been seeing each other for 5 months and i fell deeply in love with her and now she says she needs space what is she saying
 
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AsianGal is offline AsianGal Post #70  November 10,2009, 5:02pm
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She probably thinks you're going too fast and has some preconceived notion in her head.
Maybe it would be good to sit her down and say yes, you do love her but she doesn't have to feel an obligation to act a certain way in response, its not as if she has to agree to get married with you and have your kids in 5 days if not so-and-so.
All at a steady pace she is comfortable with.
 
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