Should you wait for the man to say I love you first?


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katrinaceleste is offline katrinaceleste Post #41  June 17,2008, 6:35pm
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dubistdu,135241 wrote :

BSchorr,135179 wrote :





I don't like to play games. If you're sure you love him then you should tell him so.


I don't like to play game because I suck at it. I don't know the rules and I don't even know how to play it.


So I thought honesty would be the best policy and I will just be myself....and.....well I didn't say I love him but expressed my interest.


Then he lost interest in me. Before I had any interest in him he sent me endless mesages, emails, with sweetest words possible.


Then I talked to my girl friends about this andall theiranswer was....


"J*******, you need to play the game. All the guys say they don't like games but they play it.


That's the only way to get a guy"


Well, too bad, I'm doomed. I suck at the game. Someboy please write out a rule book and hand it to me. Then I will know.


So... me, no, I will never say it first. Cuz.... Im chicken and if it's a game that I am destined to not win, I will at least reserve my feeling.
There is a difference between playing games and having consideration for the other persons space. The book, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus is a very good book to help you understand the basic differences between men and women. None of us totally fits some sort of standard profile, yet we have basic similarities and needs.


Men seem to need to realize they miss a woman and need to figure out for themselves that they are "in Love". One common complaint for women is that they spill their guts aobut what they are feeling and the guy gets scared and runs the other way. Yet most of the men say they don't like to play games. This is confusing to many of us........men and women. I have found that if I do admit my feelings and then give the guy some space afterwards it is more successful. Men like to think about things and figure it out for themselves. They do not like to feel like they got in over their head before they are sure of what they want.


Also it is good not to rush and take your time building a relationship based on genuine friendship and get into the habit of treating each other right. Then if it does turn into more you are already good friends, you know each others bad habits and accept them and you are used to treating each other with respect.


Kat
 
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castironfaith1 is offline castironfaith1 Post #42  June 17,2008, 6:42pm
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Let's just ,..remember,.. Jeremiah 29:11! Believe in it and Peace will come with your decision, whatever you feel is the right thing to do.
 
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mockingbirdfgirl is offline mockingbirdfgirl Post #43  June 17,2008, 7:03pm
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well there is two ways to look at it. If you tell him and he doesnt recipicate then maybe you know and should move on. Then again, if things are going well and you feel he just needs another couple of months then ok, but I do feel that there should be a time line on how long you remain with this guy before he says how he feels about you.

Lay it on the table how you feel and see in his eyes how he reacts. On the other hand, this may be just a way of him having the upper hand on you. This isnt good either. Not only women play games but men do also and again if you find he cant verbalize his feelings as well as demonstrate them, then you do need to decide what you want is what your either getting or not getting.
 
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Linda is offline Linda Post #44  June 17,2008, 7:35pm

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After 5 months of dating, you should be comfortable enough to tell him how you feel, regardless of who tells who first. Go for it and let him know how you feel. Who knows, maybe he's in love with you, but is feeling the same way you do in being the first to say it. Best wishes !! [img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-smile.gif[/img]
 
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runner122 is offline runner122 Post #45  June 17,2008, 8:18pm
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So much good advice already on this discussion topic. In trying to make sense of it myself I guess it comes down to that it all depends on your specific relationship. I don't think there are any tried and true rules for every situation. Even among my family and friends I find different opinions, most likely based on their own personal experiences (good or bad).


Five months is a fair amount of time, but then again it depends on whether that five months is long distance, phone calls/emails, sporatic dating, or consistent dating. If you are regularly seeing him and doing things together it might be enough time to tell, but otherwise it might be too short for it. If you are too direct in saying "I love you" it could definitely be taken as an ultimatum telling your date he must make a decision based on how the relationship is going so far. If the guy has not made up his mind yet this could scare him away even if he thinks he might be falling in love with you.


I like lots of the ideas thrown out there about how to say "I love you" in different ways. Maybe you could say "I am falling in love with you" (see jayjay's post) because after all love is not really a yes or no but more of a staircase you climb up (or fall down) over time.


So I don't know if I am being helpful or not, but you should probably feel comfortable saying it to your date and it might just take more time together to get a feel for your guy's receptivity.


Anyway, whatever you decide, jlee, you should not regret it because you know your relationship best. Sometimes the guy is just not looking for the same level of commitment and then it was never meant to last. Best of luck!
 
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rkayr is offline rkayr Post #46  June 17,2008, 8:42pm
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For myself personally, I am pretty cautious about saying it as I am pretty aware that early on "love" is generally "infatuation" and based more on how good they make me feel, than genuinely knowing them enough to actually love them.

That being said, I disagree that you need to wait until you are ready to get married/propose for it to be said either.

It genuinely is going to depend on the couple, and whether you have a very healthy verbal and emotional intimacy...or not. And whether you are saying it as you want to hear it back or are insecure about where you "stand", or if you are saying it as you genuinely DO feel you love him and want him to know it regardless of what he says (or not) back. If it is the latter, then I think by all means, you can certainly be the one to say it in a non-threatening, fun way. If it is the former...I don't think you are ready to say it and I would re-evaluate more what "love" to you also means. I am not saying you do not feel it, but if you really fear his response or are insecure and looking for "security" in his answer, it's less about love and more about validation or reassurance....and not the right time to say it.
 
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JDR is offline JDR Post #47  June 18,2008, 12:32pm

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jlee, wrote :

I met a wonderful man whom I have fallen in love with. I'm afraid to express my emotions. He told me he cares for me deeply but no "I love you" yet. Should I wait to see what developes and wait for him to say it first? We have been dating on a regular basis for five months now and we are very close. We talk everyday and see one another 2 to 3 days a week. I have meet his friends and some family members. Any suggestions would be appreciated!
For heavens sake tell him !!!! Time waits for no one ! Years ago my buddies cajoled, coerced, etc. me into telling my girlfriend of 6 months to do so. It is still one of my fondest memories, and the effect on her was.....fantastic ! We all fee blessed when someone cares for us. Use your imagination to set the scene,
then confess !
 
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Reyne is offline Reyne Post #48  June 18,2008, 1:56pm
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jlee, wrote :

I met a wonderful man whom I have fallen in love with. I'm afraid to express my emotions. He told me he cares for me deeply but no "I love you" yet. Should I wait to see what developes and wait for him to say it first? We have been dating on a regular basis for five months now and we are very close. We talk everyday and see one another 2 to 3 days a week. I have meet his friends and some family members. Any suggestions would be appreciated!
My experience has been, no matter how great the relationship, if you say you love them, they run like hell. Guys who dont' fear jumping out of an airplane or driving like a maniac turn into abject cowards when you say love. Haven't figured out why.

I have a really good friend, whom I adore because he is kind and thoughtful, smart, funny, and considerate. I've never said it, and we may be just friends, but there is love there. Oh, and he has a great body.


At this point, having been ariound the block a few times, I don't say it and I don't care. We just show it.
 
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Reyne is offline Reyne Post #49  June 18,2008, 1:58pm
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I guess I didn't really answer your question. It seems that you have a good relationship there. Don't go by my experience, I may just get involved with weird guys. You know him, and you can use your best judgment.
 
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Reyne is offline Reyne Post #50  June 18,2008, 1:59pm
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DianaInHouston,138325 wrote :

Mr_Right,138056 wrote :


If you say "I love you.", you're putting a great deal of pressure on him to say "I love you too."


I don't remember which book it was at Barnes and Noble, but I remember reading that you don't say those three words until at least 6 months into a relationship. And you should feel that he loves you too and is ready to say it, before it is said.


And JavaJava made some good points as well. In fact, I usually agree with JavaJava's point of view97.5% of the time.


I suppose if you like games. I prefer to speak my mind
You must be a teacher
 
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