The bandage was pulled right off tonight...


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dlc872 is offline dlc872 Post #1  August 2,2010, 9:25pm
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Well, at the risk of being yelled at by a few folks here...

...here's the latest on the situation with my "friend" and I...and it isn't pleasant.

As I'd previously written in the long journal about bailing on the Eagles concert, my attractive female friend of 5 years and I have been playing the game of getting close and then she pulls away before it becomes a "relationship" beyond close friends. She's completely immersed in my family and my 3 kids (22, 20 and 16) consider her to be their "step mom" (I am a single dad...my ex abandoned the kids and they haven't seen her since 2004).

Lately she'd been back to getting very very close again. Daily phone calls, "love you's", coming over to hang out with me and my daughter, things like that. Took me sailing (her latest passion). My biggest frustration was that she got herself very busy lately with a group of girlfriends...travelling, hiking, sailing, etc. Sometimes a little secretive but usually letting me know what she's doing every day.

3 weeks ago I had surgery to fix my shoulder and she really stepped up to the plate, more than I expected. She took time off work, was at the hospital with me, held my hand, was the first one I saw coming out with a big "hi honey!", and she dressed me since I couldn't with my arm nerve blocked and immobilized and woozy still from the drugs. She came home and stayed with me, ran my house, spoon fed me, fell asleep holding hands with me and helping me dress and change bandages.

Then she started getting scarce again and deflecting my suggestions for things to do together. Last week she was at my house when I got home, watching a movie with my daughter, and when I came in put her feet on my lap for a foot massage...but after the movie was over she started saying "I love you very much but I don't think we can be together..." I talked to her about "let's just try" and such but then we were interrupted and I took her and my daughter and son out for dinner.

Next day she texts me..."hey can I park in your driveway while I go on my trip with my gfs this weekend?" I said "sure, you don't need to ask" she replies "yes I do, in case your date needs a place to park"...I gave her a "lol"...she says "I'm serious...it's time you started dating". I told her we could talk later, she agreed.

Nothing but cheerful texts after that and a quick hug and kiss the following week when she popped in to see me and the kids.

But then she's been very quiet. Texting my daughter, calling her. Not me. Got me on the phone a couple times but was kind of distant...no "love you's". Not calling 6 to 10 times if I didn't pick up.

Tonight she came over and had dinner that my daughter had made. And when she was done asked me to come outside to talk. I figured I was going to get more of the "I'm not sure we can be together" talk. Instead she came out with "things have to change between us..I have a boyfriend and maybe even could be engaged at some point"

She wouldn't tell me how long it had been going on...she'd been keeping it from me but the signs were there. At first she was ready for battle..."don't you try to keep your daughter away from me...I'll just come back to her when she's 18" and I was angry too...I told her "well if that's the case maybe you should just concentrate on that relationship and not let me and my family get in the way".

But then we went for a long walk and both were testy with the other, we both cried, we both held the other and opened our hearts. She says she loves me and that I'm attractive to her...but we have different lifestyles (shes much more active than I am...but she's been getting me interested in things I used to do (hiking, other physical activity)...she doesn't want me to just do those things to be with her, but to have initiative to do it myself (good point)). A lot of things we'd been holding back came out. I admitted I don't want to lose her...but I don't know if I can have her around. She doesn't want to lose me..but wants to give this guy a chance.

This situation sucks and is very painful to me. I guess I knew the day would come when she did this and I don't know what to do. She thinks being platonic friends is no big deal...she has lots of them she says...and while I'm special and she spends more time with me, she doesn't understand why it would be hard for me. I had to explain in graphic terms what it's like to have something you want constantly waved in your face while being told not to touch...

I've made no decision. She wants to take my daughter camping, out to dinner, to shows, to Disney (we were all going to go on that one...guess that's out).

I know you all think I'm foolish...but my heart is also hurt. I'm perturbed that she won't even give us a chance...though I also can say I gave it my best shot. I have a lot of emotion invested in this relationship and I hate to see her gone...but I don't know if I can handle having her around with another guy in her bed.

Thanks for letting me vent. I hope you can understand.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #2  August 2,2010, 10:06pm

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dlc872 wrote :

Thanks for letting me vent. I hope you can understand.
It s*cks when we want someone more than they want us. I know I can understand that.

Hang in there.
 
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papabotts is offline papabotts Post #3  August 2,2010, 10:11pm
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Is this lady much younger than you? And is she the type that does not like to be alone? Is she more "conventionally attractive" than you are? If you answer yes to most of these, you may have a type of a "user" even though it may not be conscious on her part. I had something like this long ago with a woman who was integrl to my life and we spent alot of time together, but she was so mixed up, and although attractive as heck, this is how she primarily valued herself. And by rote of being brought up in a cold home, she always sought my warmth, but could not stand to be alone. And she kind of used me for the warmth and "regularity" to always have someone there. The bottom line is that if she wanted to be with you, she would. Tying in to your kids is her way of making sure she cannot be ejected by you in any full manner if she is rejected by the other guy, after rejecting you. Are these the lessons you want your daughter to learn.
Believe me, women are smarter and allowed to live a deeper emotional life than men are. Her telling you "Whats the big deal" about just being friends is a slick move to make you look weak and small when she knows darn well it'd be like waving a steak you cannot have in front of you. This allows her to have her cake and eat it too, especially if the other guy, (which an honest person would've told you about long ago!, not played you like a sucker!)
I wised up and and am now married to a woman who is FULLY on my side, no questions asked and life is wonderful. Aren't you worth someone who is as kind as you are? Sometimes these people want to tell you, but do not have the courage lest they be left alone, but there are usually signals, and if you are honest with yourself, you'll see them for what they are.
And I'm not saying this person is all bad. Her weakness is causing you to hurt and waste time you could spend with the right person. Do you want to be Mr. 2nd choice if the other guy does not work out? How strong is your self -esteem? It only strengthened mine to man-up and walk away, and has improved my relationship with women ever since. Women do not like weakness and certain types, not all by any means, will use you like this one is.
Pretend you are talking about two other people and play the scenario in your head. Without your bias in the picture, what advice would you give them? There you will find your answer. You ARE being used, whether purposely or not doesn't matter. Life is too short to be "Mr. 2nd choice"/shoulder to cry on for the person you really desire as a partner. And if she REALLY cared and REALLY heard you and your feelings, she would not have said the "Whats the big deal" comment. If she is that emotionally blind, than she's not mature or sophisticated enough to be near your daughter anyway. Or near you. Get out and man up while u can. Too many fish in the sea m'friend! good luck regardless. But be strong brother, be strong, for your kids if not for yourself!
 
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papabotts is offline papabotts Post #4  August 2,2010, 10:12pm
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Hang in there?! Why? To be used some more. Go find an adult woman who is not into these highschool type of games with the ridiculous comments in reply to your genuine pain. She is preying on the emotionally weak!
 
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snakedoc1125 is offline snakedoc1125 Post #5  August 2,2010, 10:17pm
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Be patient if you really like someone just don't go beyond being stupid as most of us do..
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #6  August 2,2010, 11:03pm
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I'm so sorry she's done this to you. She's dragged you along for so long, and no matter how she wants to paint it, despite the lack of sex you two were not just "platonic friends."

You know, she just may find that your daughter does NOT want to hang out with her so much when she learns how she hurt you so bad. Kids can see what's going on, and hopefully her loyalties will lie with Dad rather than the ex "friend."

I would tell your lady friend that it is too painful to see her as "just friends" and that no, you don't want her around your kids either. Your adult kids can, of course, decide on their own who they want to be friends with, but it is a rare kid who wants to remain close to someone who hurt one of their parents. As long as you've had a good relationship with your kids (and it sounds like you do!), blood IS thicker than water. She has chosen someone else and needs to graciously step out of your life, not make things even harder for you. If she does not, she really is NOT any sort of friend at all. By the way, it would be very odd if her new boyfriend is thrilled at the thought of her remaining intertwined in your family, too. For everyone concerned, she needs to make a clean break here.

She has given you mixed messages for far too long. At least you have a definitive answer now. It will take time to heal, but you can begin to move on.

I know how bad it can hurt to lose someone you love, no matter what the circumstances. ((((hug))))
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #7  August 2,2010, 11:22pm

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I am so sorry this happened..and how rotten it is to be invested in another person, as you have become, only to be deceived in the end by them
It seems that, sometimes, we just don't really know the other person like we think we do.

Like WW said, she has been sending you mixed messages all along....From the Eagles concert when she bagged out on you at the last minute, to your surgery and now, apparently her two timing you right in your face.

That just sucks in so many ways. I guess, for you too, the bad sex was better than no sex..except in the way it hurt you in the end!

I don't know what you can say to your family-after all, your children are of an age to decide who they want to be friends with. But I sure wouldn't hide the full story from them. They need to understand that she isn't going to really be a step mom and part of your family and just why that is. I know that will be hard but I imagine they will support dad.

You need her to return the keys to your house-no more drop bys when no one is home, to wait for you. You aren't her brother and didn't want to be, yet she is treating you as a platonic friend or sibling recently. No more car parking and so on. Can't we be friends is one of the worse things a person can say to another. It's frequently said to disguise the harm they know has been done with a faux attempt at friendship-then accuse the person who wants more than friendship of being unable to be flexible in a changing relationship. Phooey on that attitude.

I'm for a clean break in instances like this,dlc. No need to have that bandage torn off over and over.

Not right away, but at some point you ARE going to want to date again. You sure don't need an ex lurking in the background and she sounds like, from what you've said, someone who might undermine a new relationship you will get in.

Buck up, know that you did all you could and also that she gave you all she had to give you...which wasn't ever enough.

Best of wishes for a better more ethical partner next time.
Last edited by RoxyRedhead; August 2,2010 at 11:25pm.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #8  August 2,2010, 11:27pm
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I'm truly sorry that you are suffering.

It has, though, just been a matter of time when this would happen. In the long run, I think that her making her feelings and wishes painfully clear now is only to your benefit. Perhaps now you can move on -- which is something that nearly everyone familiar with your situation has been urging you to do for a very long time. I do encourage you not to spend time with her for now. You may be able to do that comfortably at some point in the future, but now is not the time.

Give yourself a little time to heal (but not too long). If you need help doing that, then get it. You have not allowed yourself to be available to other women for quite some time (even those who want you to be available), and so that is something that you are going to have to work toward emotionally. Until you do, you will not be able to find happiness with someone else.

I do wish you much love and happiness with someone who can truly be there both with you and for you.

(Although papabotts is new here and not familiar with your history, it looks like he has a pretty good read on your relationship with your "friend.")
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #9  August 2,2010, 11:33pm

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I just went back and re read the Eagles Concert thread, I wanted to refresh my memory of your previous interaction with her...and in light of what has now occured, I think as far back as that..she was setting you up for a breakup,

Dlc you had a lot of introspective things you posted there, when list members goi into the dynamic between you and she and you started to realize that, in fact, she was a user.

Maybe you should go back and re read it also. Not necessarily tonight, but when you feel you need a boost--when there is a moment of weakness about the lets be friends thing...go and remember how poorly she has treated you in the past.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #10  August 2,2010, 11:53pm
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Who among us doesn't want to have their cake and eat it too? The trouble is, it's not very nice being the cake if you never get taken out and served up.
I won't say time heals all wounds because quite frankly that's a gigantic crock, all time does is insert some distance between the hurt and the remembrance of the hurt. Still, the shoe has now irrevocably dropped, the thing is not to dwell on coulda, woulda, shoulda because those three are the Furies of relationships and will drive you nuts if they can.

I guess there's not much you can do about her relationship with your kids, that's between them, but they should all i hope be sensitive enough not to rub your nose in it.
 
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