Confused by ex who made contact


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annother is offline annother Post #11  July 31,2010, 9:59am
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Somewhere on these boards there is another thread about a boomerang relationship. They split, they get back together, they split, they get back together. The general opinion was that it was not reliable enough to be a happy relationship.

It does not sound as though he is ready to make a commitment to you at this point, even though he keeps holding that door open. If it were me, I'd make a clean break with no communications, if for no other reason than to protect my child from the uncertainty of it all.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #12  July 31,2010, 10:26am
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TAG95 wrote :
we have no children together. I have a child from a previous relationship as he has children from a previous marriage. So any conversation about kids is because it is just small talk...
Ah ...then his intention is easily determined ...he's wanting to keep you on the back burner/plan b/good ol' reliable. The 'new' is probably starting to wear off on his current fling, maybe he's already thinking it isn't going to work out in the long run with her, so he needs to start setting the groundwork to have you available when it doesn't ...

...and, sadly, it sounds like you *want* to be available for him when he comes a'knockin'. That's the real problem here.

The good news is that he probably will come back to you ...the bad news is, until he finds something new to occupy his attention again. This is the kind of relationship you want to be in? He will likely never change because this has worked for him before, you've allowed him back previous times ...he knows that he has you on his perpetual string.

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Should I ask that he respects my wishes to leave me alone if he isn't interested on working on a relationship with me other than friendship
Honestly? You need to stop being this guy's doormat. Make up your mind ...do you him to continue using you on his terms, or do you want him to stop using you on your terms? You have to set your mind that this isn't going to work for you ...accept it, and move on. No more second chances with him. Tell him to leave you alone ...period ...no more, "if he isn't interested on working on a relationship with me other than friendship" because he's always going to be interested ...when he doesn't have anything else going on.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #13  July 31,2010, 12:20pm
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No, it wouldn't be wrong for you tell him you don't want to be friends.

"Not being in contact" means not calling him etc., but it also means not accepting his calls if they occur.

Right now you seem to have done the first half -- not calling, but you haven't done the 2nd half -- not taking calls.

Usually people just use caller id to screen out calls. TAG you might consider actually changing your phone number, to make it more final in your own mind.
 
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TAG95 is offline TAG95 Post #14  July 31,2010, 7:18pm
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Thanks Biker for the advice...it does seem that he contridicts everything he has said to me about not having a relationship with me a month ago, two weeks ago. The only men that call to "check up" on me are often the old guys I dated that call every so often to figure out how I'm doing, small talk about work, and "oh, you didn't get married yet?" conversation. Just find it rey weird that he would call me West Coast time to talk to me while I was at work. The conversation was rather quick as I thanked him for call and checking on me(sarcastically) and kind of hung up on him while I heard him say bye to me. I don't want to assume he is trying to "squeeze" back in, but I can't help but think so, especially so soon after the ending of our relationship.

Sass, I'm changing my number as I have had this number for seven years. I just may need to tell him to either love or leave me alone. When I had done this with some guy I dated in the past, it worked, but I didn't love him or care for him as I do for this guy. I was doing so well for the past two-three weeks until his voice mail message. With of all of the factors in place, of him place me on friend status last year while he chased a "sure thing' and then hooking back with me for the past year while he again places me on "friend status" and starts calling me again within a month, I need to just exit out of this mess. I started with deleting fb friendship, I deleted his phone numbers, no text, email, IM at all!! For him to mess it up again. My tears were all dried up, took my mental health days to clear my mind, began acting like my old self for this to happen. I gotta take a stand but it's like something has got a hold on me that is causing me to not act curse him out and tell him to let the doorknob hit him where the good Lord has split him!!! Why can't I let him go outta of life. I have gone a couple of dates with a guy I met. Nice guy but, I'm only doing this, going out with him, to boost my self-esteem and to see what else is out there. This relationship thing doesn't get any easier as you get older!! I didn't think I would be going through this in 40's!!
 
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nunayabizness is offline nunayabizness Post #15  August 1,2010, 5:55pm

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I am assuming he dumped you (it is never mutual).

He is trying to have his cake and eat it too.

Just like a woman after dumping a man sometimes like to be friends when needed after a relationship, men after dumping a woman often like to have sex when needed after a relationship.
 
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TAG95 is offline TAG95 Post #16  August 1,2010, 9:43pm
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I don't think it is about sex. I think more or less it is about not wanting to be alone and people thinking that "the one" is out there possessing all of the qualities that he wants in a woman, you get dumped and he doesn't find it(the one)...so back to what is familiar until they get tired again and on the hunt again for the one...
 
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morningsunlight is offline morningsunlight Post #17  August 2,2010, 8:37am
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Some people remain friends with their ex. It's a lot easier for the person who broke up. It can also be healing for another person to be nice and civil to each other. You don't want to hate your ex, after all. I personally do not like ignoring people. That would feel rude and passive aggressive. So I'd say good-bye to him to break contact with him in a civil manner.
 
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YosemiteSam is offline YosemiteSam Post #18  August 2,2010, 9:11am
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I agree with Beagle. He's playing you. Next time he calls tell him that you meant it and not to call again. Then if he does don't answer or block his number.
 
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TAG95 is offline TAG95 Post #19  August 2,2010, 10:44am
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Update: I told him today that I don't want him to have contact with me. I told him that it is difficult for me to "shoot the breeze" with him while I continue to have the feelings I have for him. He said he would respect my wishes and that he would call me on the New Year to wish me Happy New Year's. It was kind of ackward afterwards as he called me in the middle of my work day b/c I asked him to call me because I had something to tell him. I also told him that I was doing well for the past three weeks w/o contact with from him. He said he would get in contact with me on fb(jokingly) and I told him that I deleted him a week ago. He laughed. I killed me to do this but I told him that I can't allow him to get pieces of my life through random phone calls while he has moved on in his life with someone else while I still have strong feelings for him. I told him possibly in due time I can be receptive to friendly conversation but I can't right now. I metioned that I'm trying to move on by dating but can't do so when he is going to call randomly. I still care about him a lot and probably will always have a soft spot for him but I can't start crying again over him. I care too much about my feelings to continue to allow him to have a "little bit of me" as oppose to all of me. My g/f feels that I have given him a lot to think about esp. since he is working on the West Coast now and has a lot of time to think as his current relationship lives on the East Coast as I do and he doesn't come home until the weekends and is back out to the West Coast on Sundays. I'm kind of proud that I did this but kind of sad that I may have driven him away with my request. I'm all types of confused right now but glad to get that off my chest. Do you guys think I did the right thing and that he will give some thought to what I have said.
 
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elamshgl is offline elamshgl Post #20  August 2,2010, 11:14am
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..."Should I ask that he respects my wishes to leave me alone if he isn't interested on working on a relationship with me other than friendship as it is difficult for me at this time"....

YES, say this. Perfect. He clearly still have very strong feelings for you just as you do for him. I honestly think, sometimes when people are feeling really strong feelings they constantly push/pull with the other person. Seems to me....you two are in love. I wish both of you the best in being able to be vulnerable and tell eachother about the love.
 
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