Why is it that I keep doing this to myself?


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Kristian79 is offline Kristian79 Post #1  July 29,2010, 1:41pm
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Long Story Short: I have this guy that I met on eH over 2 years ago, but did not seriously become interested in each other until about a year later. Many hours just chatting, etc. We've met in person and things went well on both parts. He told me that night he wanted to see me again. He's struggled with some serious depression issues and always blames that or work (does travel exptensively & alot with job) on the reason we haven't met again. Many cancelled trips. He leads me on very much so and then just retreats for several weeks at times after opening up. He's admitted how bad he's treated me emotionally yet, I can't seem to move on. I seriously fallen for him and can't move on to another healthy relationship as a result yet I've never straight out told him that how deeply I care for him because it seems so unrealistic when we've only met once. In my mind, I keep thinking he'll change since I really have prayed all through our friendship and always felt that I needed just to be patient and trust God with it. We live about 15 hours apart.

Should I just call him up and lay it all out once and for all or simply forget he ever existed?
Last edited by Kristian79; July 29,2010 at 1:48pm.
 
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Kristian79 is offline Kristian79 Post #2  July 29,2010, 1:46pm
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I am attempting to move on...went on a date with a guy month or so ago, but just brought up feelings double for this long-distance guy. It just seems pointless to even try.
 
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Ameri is offline Ameri Post #3  July 29,2010, 2:11pm
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I can relate to what you are going through. I am also trying to move on from a situation that is going nowhere by dating other people. It is not helping yet but I just keep hoping that it is true that "time heals all wounds." It's hard to let go when you feel a special connection. There are certainly tons of alternatives but just because a man is interested doesn't mean that you are interested in him (that mysterious "chemistry" thing). I don't have much advice really - just know that you are not alone. I have people in my life who try to make me feel better by telling me things like "you don't need anyone" or "men aren't worth it" and "you don't know how lucky you are" but, of course, this kind of advice is not remotely helpful when real emotions are involved. I do kind of think I will wind up alone and I won't ever understand why. Just life I suppose.

ETA: DO NOT lay it all out for him. I have done that 3 times in my own situation and it does NOT help. If he is confused, it will just make him more confused. If he's really not that interested, it won't change anything. Trust me on this. Nothing but further heartbreak comes from romantic honesty.
Last edited by Ameri; July 29,2010 at 2:13pm.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  July 29,2010, 3:30pm
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You can't have a relationship with a phantom. Also, the harsh reality is that you are in love with a figment of your imagination. Despite all the talking you don't really truly know him. It may feel like you do, but really it's just your mind filling in a whole lot of blanks because you don't see each other in the real world.

The other harsh reality is that if he truly wanted to see you and not just have a phone/e-mail buddy he would make time to see you. When a man truly wants you he'll move mountains and cross oceans to be with you.

Probably the very best thing that you can do for yourself is to cut him off and cut him out of your life cold turkey. Sure it will be painful, but ultimately it will allow you to heal and actually move on to a healthy real life relationship.
 
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MaryPoppins76 is offline MaryPoppins76 Post #5  July 29,2010, 4:01pm
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I too have been there.. I think most people have at one point in their lives... loving someone that doesn't feel the same hurts. I agree with everyone else. End it. The quicker the better. I held on to a loveless relationship. I quit my job and moved 8 hours away from everything I knew and loved just to be with this man... things were peach for only about a month... then it went downhill very quickly. The longer I stayed the worse I felt about myself... even feeling that I was unworthy of love of any kind. I was in a deep depression and cried almost every day. That didn't stop after we ended it for about another month or two. I don't really know what did it, but I just snapped out of it... I decided I would not call/return his calls... I would not text/ return his texts... I wouldnt even read his hateful emails anymore. When he left letters on my car while I was at work, I tore them up without reading them. He was poisonous to me. You just have to make that choice you will put you first and stick to it. It will get better and time DOES heal all wounds. You will smile and laugh again, and before you know it, you will be ready to date again and for other reasons than a distraction. AND to put icing on the cake, thats when you will find the one worthy of your time and beautiful smiles! You'll find that one that will do whatever it takes to see you and be with you... you just have to make that choice and take that step... every day... find something to focus on... I had to go out for lunch and walk in the park and look and smile at the beauty of a flower... feed the ducks and laugh... and before you know it, you are there and ready to get back out there again!

Hang in there!
 
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snakedoc1125 is offline snakedoc1125 Post #6  July 29,2010, 7:02pm
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If you won't try you'll never know. Talk to him if he wanted you the you wanted him. If he says its just a different thing on him atleast you've tried and there will be no what if's and regrets. Hope this piece of advice helps you.
 
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heisenberg is offline heisenberg Post #7  July 29,2010, 7:34pm
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Kristian79 wrote :
...He's admitted how bad he's treated me emotionally yet, I can't seem to move on. I seriously fallen for him and can't move on to another healthy relationship as a result yet I've never straight out told him that how deeply I care for him because it seems so unrealistic when we've only met once. In my mind, I keep thinking he'll change since I really have prayed all through our friendship and always felt that I needed just to be patient and trust God with it. We live about 15 hours apart.
This is an unhealthy state of mind with regards to a man you have only met once, and who lives 15 hours away.

Consider discussing this with a good therapist, who will have an opportunity to understand your "relationship" with this man, in the context of the other parts of your life, and hopefully offer better guidance on how you can best deal with this.
 
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Kristian79 is offline Kristian79 Post #8  July 30,2010, 5:12pm
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Thanks for the honsest advice. I've known a lot of it myself, but haven't wanted to own up to it. There is alot more to the story than in my explanation, but no use in even going into it. I sent him a quick email & text (he seldom checks that email) explaining it was the last he would hear from me. I didn't go into great detail at all (about 5 sentences max entire email), but did say I had been led on and hurt. I deleted all contact info, email, pic, etc from computer & cell permanently. I'm not sure if that'll do the trick, but it's a step. Now, on to finish these birthday cakes I have to decorate through the seeping waterfall.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #9  July 30,2010, 9:13pm
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Kristian...you are just kidding yourself here. This guy is not interested in you at all.
You are most likely an ego thing for him..someone he can think about or maybe even talk about but not need to put any effort into being with.

And, as has been said, you have made up this relationship out of your imagination and need for someone in your life-and not out of any action on his part.

Don't bother talking to him about anything. It will just be an opportunity for him to make more excuses to draw you out. Useless.

Date people who are willing to become part of your life, who are actually there and not some dream guy. Too much Disney Princess in your life, sweetie.

Find a real live guy who will actually take you out and not make excuses.
 
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Kristian79 is offline Kristian79 Post #10  July 30,2010, 10:29pm
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RoxyRedhead wrote :
Kristian...you are just kidding yourself here. This guy is not interested in you at all.
You are most likely an ego thing for him..someone he can think about or maybe even talk about but not need to put any effort into being with.

And, as has been said, you have made up this relationship out of your imagination and need for someone in your life-and not out of any action on his part.

Don't bother talking to him about anything. It will just be an opportunity for him to make more excuses to draw you out. Useless.

Date people who are willing to become part of your life, who are actually there and not some dream guy. Too much Disney Princess in your life, sweetie.

Find a real live guy who will actually take you out and not make excuses.
Thanks for the kind reply. I have made an honest attempt just today to wipe him out of my life. I wish he was a dream guy and that's been part of the issue...he has tons of imperfections and I've kept using that as an excuse that he'll get over it or get better and be like he was when we first met. I met him right before some major life crises in his life and his family's life. I've never actually called myself in a "relationship" with him and one reason I've struggled so with the feelings I've had for him. I couldn't understant how I could feel the way I did after seeing him once. I've felt so naive and unconfident with this deal with him when in reality I'm the opposite. People come to me for advice and look to me for leadership etc. I've always been a quick thinker and fast learner...just can't quite get a handle on this or relationships in general.
 
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