Have you ever "lost yourself" in a relationship?


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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  July 29,2010, 10:49am
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I was listening to this song on the way into work today:

YouTube - Missy Higgins - Where I Stood

in it she sings,

"'cause I don't know, who I am, who I am without you,
all I know is that I should..."

That got me thinking and made me wonder:

Have you ever found yourself "lost" in a relationship to the point where you didn't even know who you were (or, didn't like who you'd become)?

If so, how did you deal with it?

Now, the above song kind of got me through my last breakup, but in thinking back on it I don't think I lost sight of who I was in THAT relationship. It only happened to me once, many years ago during my one and only "bad" relationship. Breaking up with him and him moving out of my place was enough to get me back to myself, pretty quickly.

How about you?
 
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newbie40something is offline newbie40something Post #2  July 29,2010, 12:05pm
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A time came when it was more painful to remain tight in a bud than the risk to break open & blossom

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Hi Lori,

Funny you listed this song. After my husband asked for a divorce and pretty new into the seperation, I happened to see my husband at a gas station that I went to. My dog was in his truck and saw me and went wild. I went over and visited with my dog and talked to my then soon to be ex a little. As I was driving away that song came on and I just couldn't help myself and started crying. The words kind of cut into me.

One thing I will say is that crying is a release and sometimes feels good afterward. And songs like this can do that to you.

I am happy to report I am in a very, very good place and happy to be me.

BTW......for some reason I thought that song was by Sarah McLachlan. Now, I'm glad to know who it is.
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #3  July 29,2010, 12:44pm
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Very briefly I once let a man tell me who I was. Luckily I am very strong willed and very quickly realized that he was full of it and projecting his own insecurities on me.
 
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snakedoc1125 is offline snakedoc1125 Post #4  July 29,2010, 6:57pm
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Its really hard to break up specially if you've been with that person for a long time and places you go remind you of how happy you were before. But thats reality relationships sometimes i mean most of the time fall apart. Difficult to find someone whom will be there for you always. Eventhough you wanted to continue and fight for you can't force if your partner doesn't want to fight anymore. Just stood up cause you don't want to be left behind and thats the right thing to do.
 
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notsoyoung is offline notsoyoung Post #5  July 29,2010, 7:58pm
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When I was married I totally lost who *I* was. The one great thing that came from our divorce is that I was able to go back to being who I really am...I got "me" back.
 
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Wootz is offline Wootz Post #6  July 29,2010, 8:32pm
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I’ll have to say no to this one… I just can’t wrap my mind around it, really. Yes, I’ve been different versions of “wootz” over the years. I used to be rather a bit of a numbskull and a not-nice person, too. I used to be much more reserved and quiet.

The thing is, though, all of that was me. I never lost “me” over the years, even the bad decisions that I made, because it was all my choice. Lots of things ended up not turning out well, and I’ve made bunches of mistakes and done things I rather wish I hadn’t. But I can’t say I lost “me.” Who would be being “me” while I lost that “me”? It becomes hard to keep up with the pronouns, it does…

I didn’t always think of it that way (actually, I never really considered it at all until a discussion with Last12C early on when I joined eHa). Perhaps this is a way of avoiding regrets- maybe I would have more of them now if I’d really ever lost myself. Since it has never occurred, perhaps I don’t really know what it means to those who have.

But I *do* know that nobody can take responsibility for being me except me. I’m stuck with it! *grin* And I wouldn’t really want to be anyone else, either. In any case, you folks take care of yourselves- if you think you’re getting lost, come here and ask for directions. We’ll steer you true. *grin*
 
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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #7  July 30,2010, 10:39am

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Not in a relationship, but I did once lose myself at a county fair!
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #8  July 31,2010, 3:43pm
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Can't say that I've totally 'lost myself' in a relationship, but using 'myself' as a foundation, I've played the "I'll willingly become whoever you want me to be" game at least once.

It wasn't a necessarily negative situation ...she never asked me to 'change' and most of the 'changes' where positive (lost over 90lbs!), but the realization that I was 'becoming' someone for the sake of someone else - not me - regardless of how positive it was, lived in the back recesses of my mind and voraciously ate away at my self-esteem.

In the end, I think we both realized I'd never be 'the' someone she could see herself with for the rest of her life (although, I have to give credit where it's due, she did try harder than most women would have). Ultimately, for me, it was both painful AND a sort of release when we broke up ...the pressure of trying to be someone else for someone else was just too much.

Lessons learned.
 
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livinagin is offline livinagin Post #9  July 31,2010, 5:50pm
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We married at a very young age (I was about 19). After 30 years of marriage and controlling, I finally left him. I didn't have a clue who I was! Seriously! Been working on me since and I love the person I am!
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #10  August 1,2010, 3:21pm
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I fell in love long-distance with a someone whose politics were dramatically different than my own. I moved to TX for him, and we lived together for five years. I actually was totally in love with him before I learned how much we differed politically.

I began sublimating my political and ideological views, just 'keeping my mouth shut'. Not because we argued, really, because I am not much for arguments, I am a class-1 conflict avoider. If I expressed any view that was not in agreement with his, he became angry and sarcastic, and gave my opinions no merit. I finally just stopped having opinions....sigh. I think that is one reason I am so vocal and up-front about my politics and beliefs these days, I will never be in that position again!
 
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