Thoughts on maintaining a relationship


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psgcooldog is offline psgcooldog Post #1  July 27,2010, 9:53am
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First, I am obviously completely unqualified to be opining on this subject, but it's something that's been on my mind for a while now.

It hit me the other day that there may be a habit of thought that we fall into that is quite unhelpful in staying together. And perhaps, if we got into the habit of thinking about things in the opposite fashion, it might be a whole lot easier to keep it going as a couple.

It's a little bit along the lines of "don't take it for granted", but goes a step further.

In a nutshell, it seems to me that the belief is that once we've found that perfect (or perfect-enough) someone, and that we're in a relationship and we're a couple, that the natural order of things is that we'll stay a couple, unless somebody does something wrong. Yes, everybody knows that they need to "work on the relationship", "not take it for granted", and "keep it fresh" and "listen", but I'm not sure that's enough.

What I've arrived it is that if we believe that the natural order of relationships is that they break down rather than persist, then we can be much more purposeful in building it back up.

Maybe just by changing how we think about it ... we can find the cracks sooner this way? Actively looking for problems, expecting them, rather than just noticing after they've been there for a while...

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lucas7419 is offline lucas7419 Post #2  July 27,2010, 10:11am
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I would say one thing that falls into the taking it for granted...The little things you do to "woo" or what not your partner are the things that you need to continue. These things were why they fell in love with you to start. So make sure you continue them to keep it that way.
I believe that if you work on your relationship daily that it doesn't break down it grows. Work is the key and if done from the start by both it doesn't really feel like work
 
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psgcooldog is offline psgcooldog Post #3  July 27,2010, 10:17am
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lucas7419 wrote :
I would say one thing that falls into the taking it for granted...The little things you do to "woo" or what not your partner are the things that you need to continue. These things were why they fell in love with you to start. So make sure you continue them to keep it that way.
I believe that if you work on your relationship daily that it doesn't break down it grows. Work is the key and if done from the start by both it doesn't really feel like work
Yes, Lucas, all you say is true, and it's also the usual "stuff".

But do you get what I mean when I say to think of it in the opposite fashion --- that the normal, natural, usual and customary thing is for it to end? If you have the gut feeling that things tend to go on, it's just WAYYYY to easy to stop tending that garden.

And our culture tells us that "true love" endures, so we tend to look at it from that angle. I think that's a myth, and it's a dangerous, destructive one.
 
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lucas7419 is offline lucas7419 Post #4  July 27,2010, 11:07am
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psgcooldog wrote :
Yes, Lucas, all you say is true, and it's also the usual "stuff".

But do you get what I mean when I say to think of it in the opposite fashion --- that the normal, natural, usual and customary thing is for it to end? If you have the gut feeling that things tend to go on, it's just WAYYYY to easy to stop tending that garden.

And our culture tells us that "true love" endures, so we tend to look at it from that angle. I think that's a myth, and it's a dangerous, destructive one.
Yes but you talk of thinking the reverse which would change ones thinking on it can find clues quicker on what will/is wrong. Thus leading everyone back to you have to work on it to keep it.
You are correct that culture tends to mold our thinking that "true love" endures....Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. I know I used to believe it until it fell apart. I still don't believe relationships have to end unless you want them to.
Before the way things are looked at now in our society (basically it is easier to start over than work on it) there was a reason divorce rates were lower in the 50's. Some tell you with more people it was inevitable that divorce rates would rise or blah blah blah. But society back then raised you to believe that the one you married was to last forever and more often than not they did. And many of them will tell you that they had rough patches but couldn't be any happier than they are with how their lives folded out. Trials are what grow a couple closer and stronger.
We are raised that our happiness NOW is all that matters. Why? So the minute your partner hacks you off for the last time bail and you can be happy with someone else. But what happens when instead of just fighting over stupid stuff now you wound up with someone that verbally or worse physically harms you.
Relationships aren't meant to end we are being brought up that it is okay to end them for your own happiness. When if you worked on them that maybe you would/could have all you ever wanted from it thus having your fairy tale ending.
 
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psgcooldog is offline psgcooldog Post #5  July 27,2010, 11:15am
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lucas7419 wrote :
Yes but you talk of thinking the reverse which would change ones thinking on it can find clues quicker on what will/is wrong.
......

I still don't believe relationships have to end unless you want them to.

.........
Whereas my point is that it may be more useful and effective to stand that belief on it's head, and twist it around to:

I believe that relationships will end unless you don't want them to.

And to live from that belief. The difference is at once subtle and like a sledgehammer.

Or maybe I'm just being too impressed with my own cleverness ... I guess we'll see, one day. Or at least I hope so
Last edited by psgcooldog; July 27,2010 at 1:01pm.
 
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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #6  July 27,2010, 11:28am

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psgcooldog wrote :
Whereas my point is that it may be more useful and effective to stand that belief on it's head, and twist it around to:

I believe that relationships will end unless you don't want them to.

And to live from that belief. The difference is at once subtle and like a sledgehammer.

Or maybe I'm just being too impressed with my own cleverness ... I guess we'll see, one day. Or at least I hope so
Proactive is the term that comes to mind. In life, things improve or digress. The only way to maintain a healthy relationship is to continually fuel it.
 
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psgcooldog is offline psgcooldog Post #7  July 27,2010, 11:35am
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Cape_Codder wrote :
Proactive is the term that comes to mind. In life, things improve or digress. The only way to maintain a healthy relationship is to continually fuel it.
Yes, and "proactive" because thinking that entropy applies forces one in that direction.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #8  July 27,2010, 11:35am
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psgcooldog wrote :
What I've arrived it is that if we believe that the natural order of relationships is that they break down rather than persist, then we can be much more purposeful in building it back up.

Maybe just by changing how we think about it ... we can find the cracks sooner this way? Actively looking for problems, expecting them, rather than just noticing after they've been there for a while...

Comments?
I don't believe that's the "natural order"...
What I believe, like a house you live in ...is that a relationship requires maintenance...meaning; you can't just look the other way and hope for the best.
This doesn't necessarily mean looking for problems....IOW, you don't go and start tearing down a wall in a house in the hopes that they have something stronger at Home Depot to replace it with....so I don't believe "looking for cracks" is the correct analogy.

I absolutely believe lack of communication is at fault for 99.9% of the problems in any relationship/marriage...be it financial, sexual...whatever...
When two people blow stuff off because they think it will go away it adds to the pile that's already there...it even multiplies on it's own.
 
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psgcooldog is offline psgcooldog Post #9  July 27,2010, 11:45am
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TheThinker wrote :
I don't believe that's the "natural order"...
What I believe, like a house you live in ...is that a relationship requires maintenance...meaning; you can't just look the other way and hope for the best.
This doesn't necessarily mean looking for problems....IOW, you don't go and start tearing down a wall in a house in the hopes that they have something stronger at Home Depot to replace it with....so I don't believe "looking for cracks" is the correct analogy.

I absolutely believe lack of communication is at fault for 99.9% of the problems in any relationship/marriage...be it financial, sexual...whatever...
When two people blow stuff off because they think it will go away it adds to the pile that's already there...it even multiplies on it's own.
Entropy applies to houses too. At first, I wanted to avoid using the word, but I think that in it's truest, and most technical sense, it applies.

Ripping out walls is a straw-man.

I think we've all agreed that maintenance is required, but if entropy doesn't apply, then why would that be so?

If persistence was natural, all you'd have to do is to avoid doing anything wrong, but it clearly doesn't work that way, and I don't think anybody here believes that.

Entropy kids ... it's what's for dinner!
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #10  July 27,2010, 12:17pm
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psgcooldog wrote :
Entropy applies to houses too. At first, I wanted to avoid using the word, but I think that in it's truest, and most technical sense, it applies.

Ripping out walls is a straw-man.

I think we've all agreed that maintenance is required, but if entropy doesn't apply, then why would that be so?

If persistence was natural, all you'd have to do is to avoid doing anything wrong, but it clearly doesn't work that way, and I don't think anybody here believes that.

Entropy kids ... it's what's for dinner!
If that floats your boat, so be it.

You said in your opening post you are unqualified in the subject....and, therefore, because I don't know you.... I believe you.

I'm telling you as someone who is qualified, having had sufficient real world, knowledge on the subject...because I've lived it..that it is communication.
Last edited by TheThinker; July 27,2010 at 12:19pm.
 
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