Thoughts on maintaining a relationship


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Ephemera is offline Ephemera Post #41  July 31,2010, 5:07am
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I don't think that they actually 'fail'. More I think they just get to the end of their life span. I think the flaw is in looking at relationships as if there is some merit in going on and on with the same one forever. It seems an artificial construct to attempt to set up a situation in which two people rely heavily upon each other for decade after decade to provide the elements of desire and passion that naturally fade over time. The more natural approach would be to realize that unions are designed to be temporary in order to be full of the desire that makes us want to couple in the first place. Marriage till death do us part seems like marriage is the death part. I do not think that everything worthwhile needs lots of work. Quite the contrary, maybe when it needs lots of work it is just plain over and you're breathing air into the corpse.
 
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charmed59 is online now charmed59 Post #42  July 31,2010, 1:38pm
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Ephemera wrote :
I think the flaw is in looking at relationships as if there is some merit in going on and on with the same one forever.
This is not an uncommon view. However I am looking for someone who I will be in a relationship for the rest of our lives. I think if people who believe relationships are temporary got together, there wouldn't be near the heartbreak when they came to their inevitable end. And if people who believe they want to be together forever then those are the relationships that will last, because both want them to. I worry that I will get into a relationship with someone that wants to ride the relationship until they are done with it. And I'm not in it for that.
 
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Ephemera is offline Ephemera Post #43  July 31,2010, 2:14pm
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Charmed 59,
I absolutely agree with you. Not only is it hard to live up to the expectations of someone who wants a long-haul relationship, it is also extremely difficult to end those relationships as it almost always involves hurting someone. Someone that you are fond of and care about the welfare of. But not someone that changes your mind about the permanency of relationships. We should all come with labels. Or maybe warnings.
 
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Orderchaos is offline Orderchaos Post #44  August 6,2010, 10:53pm
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First off, I didn't read everyone's response so forgive me if someone has already mentioned this but it seems to me that you can sum up what you are trying to say by looking at love as a verb instead of the noun we all think of it as. Love, in its truest form, is something (or more often many somethings) that you do for your significant other. Love isn't a noun that you achieve and then lose, its an action (or set of actions) that you stop performing.

I would write more, but typing on my phone is tedious and I need to go to sleep, I'm getting up in about 7 hours as well and need to get some sleep.
 
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farranger is offline farranger Post #45  August 7,2010, 1:47pm
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You are essentially correct.
Though entropy is a law of the physical world, which says "things g from order to disorder unless energy is applied to keep them in order." That's no exact, but you get the idea.
There is a relationship entropy law that says something like this, "Without effort to maintain and develop the relationship, the relationship will tend to get worse until it dissolves."

People who have not been married, even if they've lived together, actually, especially if they've lived together, assume things will fall into place. Nothing could be further from the truth. Different expectations on spending, sex, kids/discipline/activities, blended families, where we are going to spend the holidays and many more tear at the fabric of a marriage. Each tear must be tended and fixed if it occurs and ideally the effort will be put forth to keep it from occurring. Hope this helps,
Oh, my qualifications to say this; Life coach, counselor and happily married, though with many disagreements for 17 years until she died. Kyle
 
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livinagin is offline livinagin Post #46  August 7,2010, 4:18pm
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Well, I am qualified to discuss this for two reasons: (1) I actually did read allll of those posts and (2) I just finished reading "The Five Love Languages" today. If you haven't read it, you need to and not just for dating relationships. It is very powerful stuff. Basically, it boils down to giving a person love in the manner in which THEY need it. I have had this happen to me -- someone was able to give me what I needed (unfortunately, I didn't know how to give him what he needed). The next time, I think I can pay attention to what someone is saying and figure it out.

And if you can give someone what they need, the returns are enormous. I don't believe that all marriages/relationships fail. I am in the camp that they fail if you want them to or if you don't give a carp about the other person (these last types are inconsiderate people that probably won't have a lasting relationship anyway).

It is a quick Saturday read. Give it shot.
 
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Ywise is offline Ywise Post #47  August 8,2010, 6:49am
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Regarding our though of a relationship being forever. If when a couple falls in love, each chooses to be greatful for each day they have together, love can stay alive and both people will thrive. In a blink of an eye a tragedy can happen, simply being grateful for our loved ones health and the fact that they returned home each day.... Another words thinking the opposite and taking full advantage of the time we do have in front of us now. Living in the moment and making those times together special.
 
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BigP is offline BigP Post #48  August 8,2010, 8:56pm
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Whatever you do, don't have sex. That leads to kissing, and then you have to talk to them.
 
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beautifulgenius is offline beautifulgenius Post #49  August 9,2010, 12:10am
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Breakdown is probably not the word that I would use.....maybe....when the honeymoon phase is over, and the timing on that is relative to the individuals involved and not necessarily how long it takes for that relationship to evolve, should be take into account. Sometimes I have purposely made a problem to see what the other person is going to do, or at least that's what I used to do. But I also found out that if it wasn't meant to be to begin with, I could see it coming......didn't matter how many guys I have dated ( which were not many), it was more dependent upon how we acted before we knew one another . I also like to know guys before we get into a relationship to see how they think. You can't necessarily do that online, or even for god sake, on a long distance relationship, it's really hard then. So, seeing it from another point of view, that I have to be creative to see what the other person is thinking, and what motivates them to be the person that they are. Being a part of a couple, I don't make it any harder than it already is. Alot of it is, trusting in your hopefully , well honed gut instinct or a super wise guru that you always go to for advice. If you find yourself always working on a relationship, then what is it to you??? Is it more like a job?? Because it shouldn't be... that person should be like someone you have felt like you have known for years. They know you better than you know yourself. No maintenance involved.
 
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acelticsteve is offline acelticsteve Post #50  August 9,2010, 10:29am

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psgcooldog wrote :
.

What I've arrived it is that if we believe that the natural order of relationships is that they break down rather than persist, then we can be much more purposeful in building it back up.

Maybe just by changing how we think about it ... we can find the cracks sooner this way? Actively looking for problems, expecting them, rather than just noticing after they've been there for a while...

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Through out life I have found it better to identify a problem befor it becomes one, then you can head it off at the pass. that requiers some creative thinking, communation, trust and all the other stuff we have heard about for years. To expect a relation ship to brake down before ou get into one is a self fulling prophesy. It will be doomed befor it starts. We have to reconize that some times we get in relationships tha could be destrive, or with a person that is not sutted for us. I have been married twice and each one failed, looking back I sked my self why did I ever marry them.
 
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