Reconnecting with an "ex"


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macgeek is offline macgeek Post #1  July 26,2010, 8:17am
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I would be interested in learning if there are many of you have been successful in establishing some kind of interaction with your significant other who chose to break the relationship apart with you for reasons NOT involving any kind of cheating/deliberate or willful impropriety. Let's say that she felt that there were some points of "incompatibility" such as leadership style, how one communicates or interacts, differences regarding interests of a less-important variety that ideally should not define such a relationship, or assorted areas of personal preference. Has anyone here been able to get back together and take things carefully? If anyone has initiated contact with the person who decided to close the commitment, what has been the usual waiting time before making that first phone call or sending that first message post-breakup? What has been the approach taken to work through the issues that led to the initial ending of the relationship?

--A 40-something guy
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #2  July 26,2010, 6:40pm
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As a general rule, if she was the one who broke up with you, then she needs to be the one to initiate the contact ...unless that happens, and until it does, you are smoking a pipe dream.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #3  July 26,2010, 7:23pm
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Her reasons for ending the relationship must have been significant to her, and not as superficial as you present them, or she would not have left. In spite of that, if she communicates with you I would recommend that you go together for couples counselling. You both have some communication issues to work on.
 
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suzyque is online now suzyque Post #4  July 26,2010, 7:59pm
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I reconnected with an ex. I was the one doing the dumping however. I had dated him 4 months, an ex boyfriend I still had a crush on started emailing me and suggested we meet. My ex and I met up and the next day I dumped my boyfriend for my ex. Over the phone. I was really kind of a beyotch about it. The relationship lasted 4 months and the whole time my old boyfriend would continue to email me periodically just to ask how I was doing, never begging or anything. Long story short my reconnection with my ex did not last and I ended up asking my ex that I had dumped if he would like to date again. Amazingly he took me back and we are still together over a year later! Going good. I think for awhile he was a little insecure if I was really back to stay or would dump him again. Nope. I would suggest perhaps a nice, friendly email to see how she is doing? Try and be specific about something, this will show you care but not make you look pushy or desperate. Don't mention anything about your relationship, just show you care, are interested. Maybe use humor in your email. If she responds positively do it again in a few weeks. Patience is required if you want to get back together. Read her cues. If she doesn't act interested at all then let it go. This is how it worked for me. I don't agree with waiting for her to initiate. As long as you keep it light and friendly and again...don't talk about your past relationship and don't email daily or anything creepy! Sounds like your breakup was friendly with no clear cut reason and it seems it is worth a shot. Good luck!
 
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morningsunlight is offline morningsunlight Post #5  July 26,2010, 9:48pm
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macgeek wrote :
I would be interested in learning if there are many of you have been successful in establishing some kind of interaction with your significant other who chose to break the relationship apart with you for reasons NOT involving any kind of cheating/deliberate or willful impropriety. Let's say that she felt that there were some points of "incompatibility" such as leadership style, how one communicates or interacts, differences regarding interests of a less-important variety that ideally should not define such a relationship, or assorted areas of personal preference. Has anyone here been able to get back together and take things carefully? If anyone has initiated contact with the person who decided to close the commitment, what has been the usual waiting time before making that first phone call or sending that first message post-breakup? What has been the approach taken to work through the issues that led to the initial ending of the relationship?

--A 40-something guy
I personally think that leadership style and how one communicates or interacts are essential issues and I wonder if either of you want to change these. It could be a lot of work to do for both parties even if both are willing to do so.
Last edited by morningsunlight; July 26,2010 at 9:56pm.
 
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cosmicwonder is offline cosmicwonder Post #6  July 27,2010, 4:37pm
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I had an ex try to begin communicating with me several months after I told him it was over.

I didn't reply to voicemails or the emails because I knew I couldn't love him the way I want to love my partner. I knew the day would come when I would begrudge loving him (because I already did a little). It may sound harsh, but that's the truth.

I felt by responding to his communications it would give him false hope that a reconciliation was possible, and that was definitely not the case.
 
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eharmonygirl0420 is offline eharmonygirl0420 Post #7  July 28,2010, 11:29am
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macgeek wrote :
I would be interested in learning if there are many of you have been successful in establishing some kind of interaction with your significant other who chose to break the relationship apart with you for reasons NOT involving any kind of cheating/deliberate or willful impropriety. Let's say that she felt that there were some points of "incompatibility" such as leadership style, how one communicates or interacts, differences regarding interests of a less-important variety that ideally should not define such a relationship, or assorted areas of personal preference. Has anyone here been able to get back together and take things carefully? If anyone has initiated contact with the person who decided to close the commitment, what has been the usual waiting time before making that first phone call or sending that first message post-breakup? What has been the approach taken to work through the issues that led to the initial ending of the relationship?

--A 40-something guy


macgeek,
yeah i wouldn't contact her unless she contacts you first. If she felt no connection with you then I doubt if you get back in touch with her she would be interested in getting back with you. I could be wrong but don't hurt yourself. You could try emailing her but again don't be too surprised or hurt if she doesn't respond back or replies that she doesn't want to get back to gether

Best wishes
eharmonygirl
 
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AudioDad is offline AudioDad Post #8  July 28,2010, 11:50am
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No point in living in the past. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship - whatever her reasons - let it go and move on. Differences that may seem minor or insignificant now can balloon into major issues later. Better to end it sooner than later when there may be financial entanglements or children that make a split far more complicated and/or painful.

If she's not that into you, think of it as saving yourself major headaches down the road.
 
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macgeek is offline macgeek Post #9  July 28,2010, 1:19pm
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cosmicwonder wrote :
I had an ex try to begin communicating with me several months after I told him it was over.

I didn't reply to voicemails or the emails because I knew I couldn't love him the way I want to love my partner. I knew the day would come when I would begrudge loving him (because I already did a little). It may sound harsh, but that's the truth.

I felt by responding to his communications it would give him false hope that a reconciliation was possible, and that was definitely not the case.
To cosmicwonder my question is thus (and the same is apropos to to others with similar perspective) : Was it that you had irreconcilable differences with your partner or was it a matter of him offending you? I can see ignoring a message as being more reasonable if you were sinned against or he otherwise willfully hurt you. However, it could be seen as being rude/uncaring if there was nothing wrong done by him provided that he is not making any demands and is being courteous and gentlemanly. Now obviously it's important to evaluate the context and what this guy is asking for/expecting. Did you give him pointers while you were dating about why it might not work? If there are problems that come up during a relationship it's good to discuss them truthfully.

To anyone else here in addition: Do others of you have stories of returning to your ex or have friends/family members doing so? Has it usually been successful or a difficult challenge that often leads into a vicious cycle? Let's assume that the "breakee" initiated contact with the "breaker" in this story.

And what's the risk of someone broken up with making contact with the person who decided to pull the plug (apart from the former possibly being not responded to and being disappointed because of it) assuming there was no wrongdoing and said person isn't being unpleasant/repetitive with the party that ended it? Sometimes there are couples that fall in love again after one person closed it off and the other had the courage after a while of waiting to phone/e-mail/write to him/her.

Hasta la vista. Cheers.

M_G_
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #10  July 29,2010, 8:13pm

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Presently I have an ex (of a few months) trying to reconnect with me via phone, text and email. I have moved, however I understand he has also left a note on my old door, too.

He was not a bad guy, not offensive or repugnant, not critical and never threatening to me. I simply did not care for him to the extent he cared for me, thought he was sort of boring after a few months and we didn't click romantically at all.

When I chose to discontinue the relationship I was honest and upfront with him, using "I" messages. I feel unhappy in this relationship-for example. I would never enumerate what his problems are...thats not my job and I don't want to be put in a position of having a person feel he needs to change for me. Thats not fair-and some things can't be changed.

I don't want contact with him. It's over. Finis - kaput - done. His trying to get ahold of me (he is offering a week at the coast-no strings) is starting to feel pushy.

I am choosing at this time to not call him back-in hopes that he will get a clue.

I don't know your ex, but if she broke up with you, the best thing you can do is to honor that decision and not make an effort to win her back. She knows where you are, I assume. If she wants to see you again, she can call you. Best to just let things go as they are now.
 
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