Mr221 is offline Mr221 Post #1  July 26,2010, 8:47am
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I met a wonderful woman online last October. I have seen her on webcam, spoken with her on the phone. Since then we have logged in at least a hundred hours of chat time I'm sure. We have so many things in common and we never tire of conversing. We're online 2-5 hours almost every night. We have grown to be very fond of each other. However, she is extremely shy and uncomfortable about actually meeting a new person. We had something set up once before (just a lunch date) and she cancelled it; by her own admission, she was terrified. On the phone, she hangs up after 2-3 minutes. Chatting online, we are a perfect pair. I am trying not to press her too much and not be pushy about meeting. However, I'm in my early 40s (she's in her late 20s) and I long for actual contact. I grew up without a computer for most of my life, so of course phone and face to face contact have been the standard. Chatting on the computer still seems impersonal and sterile to me. In her generation, , the computer is no different from any other interaction and she seems to enjoy having this wonderful connection wtih me on there. Truthfully, I like her more than most of the women I meet in the non-cyber world.. We are also in different parts of California which has also made meeting difficult. .I'm in Norcal and she's in Socal....I'm starting to plant ideas again about meeting, but I'm not sure how or when is the right time now since she was so uncomfortable about it before. Any folks out there with similar situations? do I need to be more patient? How can I smoothly go from cyber world to real world? I do not want to "set an ultimatum" or a "timeline" with her. She's too special to me to play those games with her.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  July 26,2010, 9:20am
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You can't go from cyber to real if she's not willing to. This should have been done months ago...now you're both emotionally attached to someone you've never met and those feelings might not translate IRL.

You're not that far apart. You've spent nearly a year on this. I think you're going to have to set a deadline unless you're willing to just go on being a indefinite penpal.

Even if you could discover the source of her insecurity about meeting (and it could be anything from being married to simply being shy) there's not much you can do to persuade someone to do something they don't want to do if they're getting their needs met from the current situation.

The thing to remember is, you don't really know this person. You only know what she's told you. And that may all be true or it may not, but the only way to advance the relationship is to actually meet.

It's not about games. It's about setting healthy boundaries.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; July 26,2010 at 9:26am.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #3  July 26,2010, 9:38am
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You've got nothing until you meet face to face.
 
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teab39 is offline teab39 Post #4  July 26,2010, 9:46am
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stay online friends.....but time to move on.
 
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Mr221 is offline Mr221 Post #5  July 27,2010, 12:42am
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It's becoming like a destructive addiction. I was online with her 5 more hours tonight although I would say that I did make a small step toward an actual meeting by suggesting we definitely get together before the summer ended and she herself suggested next week ...maybe...so we're getting there. I may have to just move on though if I don't feel some momentum soon.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is online now Wonderwoman402 Post #6  July 27,2010, 1:11am
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Mr221 wrote :
It's becoming like a destructive addiction. I was online with her 5 more hours tonight...
This is a disturbing admission. You two have a substantial age difference and a substantial geographic hurdle. And rather than just 'friends' you're becoming "addicted" or obsessed with someone you've never even met. She has probably picked up on this. No wonder she's "terrified!" Rightly so.

I think you need to step back. Waaaay back. Take a break, then concentrate on finding someone closer to your age and closer to where you live.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #7  July 27,2010, 4:47am
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Dude, this is going nowhere ...she's playing with you, and worse, you are allowing it. She has no intentions of ever meeting with you ...she's dangling a carrot in front of a horse (you are the horse) so that you stay interested in and talking to her.

You know the old saying, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"? ...well, it works both ways. You are giving her exactly what she wants, a chat buddy, why in the world would she dream of meeting you and ruining that?

Honestly, stop being this woman's fool.
 
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Mr221 is offline Mr221 Post #8  July 27,2010, 9:02am
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I can't disagree more with Wonderwoman about the age difference. My parents have 17 years between them and just celebrated their 50 year anniversary last year and there are plenty more examples so I just think that's pretty rigid thinking. Sorry. However, good points about the geographical difference and the overall surrealness and obsession aspect of Internet chatting. And BikerBeagle is right on the money I think. She's using me as a chat buddy. Time to move on. I sent her an e-mail 30 mins. ago tellling her politely that the chatting would have to end unless she was willing to establish, in the least, a face-to-face friendship and even then I can no longer squander all this time nightly. Very unhealthy when I could be getting out there and making some real world relationships. So thanks for the kick in the butt that I needed everyone. I really did need the reality check.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  July 27,2010, 3:07pm
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Good for you Mr221. However it works out I think you made a positive change for yourself.
 
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beentherehavetee is offline beentherehavetee Post #10  July 28,2010, 6:26pm
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I don't mean to be harsh here, OP, but what do you really know about this "27 year old woman"? Nothing but what she tells you, right?

I suspect that you have not been chatting for close to a year with a 27yr old woman who claims she is shy and is hedging to meet with you, but yet she can spend 2-5 hours online every night.

Come on now, OP! Use you head! What 27 year old would spend 2-5 hours online every night chatting with a stranger! 27 year olds have lives!!! He/She doesn't want to talk to you on the phone and cannot meet with you for a reason.

Wake up! Quit this obsession already with someone you do not know.
 
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