The L-word --- I'm ready,...he's not...Help!


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Sunshine2680 is offline Sunshine2680 Post #1  July 26,2010, 7:33am
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Ok..a bit of background:
Been dating my guy for 2 months. We hit it off hardcore right away and have probably progressed to the level of a 6 or 8 month relationship woudl be at in only 2 months. Reached that comfort level where we can act and look and do whatever - basically the 'impress you' stage is way over....which is soooo good because now we're just settling into the relationship...
BUT....we've also progressed to the point of agreeing to put money away to buy a house next summer...as well as chatting about timeline for a wedding soon after etc etc.
Well...last night we aired our 'plans' to my parents and while it was fine at the time...because we didn't discuss anything that he and I hadn't already discussed ourselves (house..wedding etc)...it started to bother me after the fact, because we haven't said the L-word yet.

I know what most of you are going to say..."It's only been 2 months!!"...and "You don't need to say you love someone to play to buy a house!"....I get all that...but when it ties in with chat about a wedding...having kids (he jokes about getting pregnant all the time)...it just seems SO backwards that we're talking about that stuff...and making plans for it yet we have't professed love to one another.
I made the mistake of bringing it up with him last night and he blatently said "Hun..I really like you and I care about you a lot but I'm not going to say it just because you want me to"...I corrected him immediately saying that I would never guilt or trick him into saying it because I want him to mean it when he does. Plus I told him I wasn't saying it either at this point. BUT he and I both know that he's not the best at expressing his true feelings/emotions verbally.
He said "I wouldn't be making all these plans with you if I didn't see them happening with you"...

So right now in my mind I'm thinking "We're making all these plans that couples make when they're in love --- but we're not in love"...
Now - having said that - I pretty much am ready to say it. I'm much more of a passionate person than him and I always jump in with both feet. I don't necessarily expect him to be the exact same way...but I'm having trouble with the fact that he's all happy and excited to talk about a wedding and kids yet he's also fine with the fact that he's "not there yet" with the Love part.
He said there's definite potential there and time is what he needs.

So ya- I did a good job of hiding the fact that I am ready to say it (to save my dignity of not having it said back - and also not to pressure him to say it) ....but now I'm scared of this whole entire situation. That I let me feelings evolve for him way too quick because of all this planning that we're doing.

I'm probably right when I say that I'll just have to suck this up for now and give him time....but this is still bothering me bigtime and I have to see him tonight....so I thought maybe...just maybe I could get a bit of insight on how to handle this. At least to the point of feeling better about it. Like I said..I've probably answered my own question...but would like some input anyway.

Would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #2  July 26,2010, 8:21am

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I am just trying to make sure we are on the same page. Rather than saying you love him in an appropriate moment you asked him to say it to you first? Then he told you he couldn't just say it for the sake of saying it? You don't understand why this happened?
 
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Sunshine2680 is offline Sunshine2680 Post #3  July 26,2010, 8:30am
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i didnt ask him to say to it to me...
i just pointed out that it was odd/backward that we're making plans to buy a house..have a wedding etc over the next couple years....yet we haven't said it yet.

usually a couple meets...dates..falls in love...THEN the planning begins...
 
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Sunshine2680 is offline Sunshine2680 Post #4  July 26,2010, 8:41am
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its kinda like "Hey...I'm all excited and ready to plan my life with you....but i don't love you"...

thats what I'm having trouble with
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #5  July 26,2010, 8:52am

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Maybe it is in your choice of words telling this but I got the impression he didn't say he didn't feel it just that put on the spot he isn't going to say it. To me that is reasonable.

Love is an emotion not a word. Saying the word when you are not actually feeling it at that moment is kinda silly. Especially when it is clear through other words and actions that he does love you.

What I don't understand is why when you guys were discussing all these plans, children and such you didn't just say I love you. That would be the time when you should be feeling the love, when it is normal to express it. Not oh, this is odd, you should be saying you love me.

What I am saying is he loves you, his actions say that. He will say it but not when you say we are making plans for the future and you should have articulated what you are feeling first.

What is funny is I can see him talking to his friends. I am making plans with her, we are saving for a house, blah blah blah and I have to tell her that I love her for her to figure this out. His friends are probably saying she is a woman, they don't make sense, just do it to make her happy. *sniff sniff* how romantic.
 
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Sunshine2680 is offline Sunshine2680 Post #6  July 26,2010, 9:13am
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
Maybe it is in your choice of words telling this but I got the impression he didn't say he didn't feel it just that put on the spot he isn't going to say it. To me that is reasonable.

Love is an emotion not a word. Saying the word when you are not actually feeling it at that moment is kinda silly. Especially when it is clear through other words and actions that he does love you.

What I don't understand is why when you guys were discussing all these plans, children and such you didn't just say I love you. That would be the time when you should be feeling the love, when it is normal to express it. Not oh, this is odd, you should be saying you love me.

What I am saying is he loves you, his actions say that. He will say it but not when you say we are making plans for the future and you should have articulated what you are feeling first.

What is funny is I can see him talking to his friends. I am making plans with her, we are saving for a house, blah blah blah and I have to tell her that I love her for her to figure this out. His friends are probably saying she is a woman, they don't make sense, just do it to make her happy. *sniff sniff* how romantic.

Well..I'm not going to lie...it didn't just dawn on me that we should be saying it. I've been wanting to say it for a while...but haven't because i do know that its mega early. I guess the fact that we went from the fantasizing about the house etc..to making the joint decision of putting money away and then discussing that as well as general wedding ideas with my parents..made it that much for real to me.
He said its real to him to - but he's not going to say it until he's ready.
But in my mind i'm thinking "Well..hun..I think you do love me but you're just aware that you are or you're not ready to admit it"....because you're right "Can I just be"....I think his actions do show that he does...but it's not really official until its professed outwardly in my mind.

Maybe I did suck at divulging how this all went down. I didn't want to put him on the spot at all...and tried not because thats not what i want.
But it's still SO deflating when he basically says 'no i dont love you yet'....
He asked me for a definition of love and I just said usually its when two people want to spend all/most of their time together...always excited to see each other..and basically want to plan a life together. And he basically admitted that's where we're at....and I was like "ya...soooo...what does that say?"....but he wouldn't bite. So I left it...and didn't push it....but still became so frustrated because what we're doing and 'not' saying...doesn't add up.

So ya - I'm just not sure if you're right and he does love me (based on his actions) and just doesnt realize it...or if he truly doesn't yet (which he claims)....
I honestly thought the time to say it was very close and after discussing it all yesterday...i feel like I've been taken down a few notches...to the point where I'm not sure im even comfortable discussing future stuff. I feel like I need to retract my feelings bigtime in case I might get hurt.
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #7  July 26,2010, 9:18am
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... is like a nice warm vibratey feeling all through your guttiwuts.

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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
What is funny is I can see him talking to his friends. I am making plans with her, we are saving for a house, blah blah blah and I have to tell her that I love her for her to figure this out. His friends are probably saying she is a woman, they don't make sense, just do it to make her happy. *sniff sniff* how romantic.
I think Jo is spot on here. The "Disney" moment has left the building.
 
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Sunshine2680 is offline Sunshine2680 Post #8  July 26,2010, 9:21am
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ya- he doesn't talk to his friends about his relationship
so no Disney moment for me
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #9  July 26,2010, 9:39am
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says this is the best wedding picture!

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It took me 5.5 months to say ILY to my girl. Why don't you calm down and relax for a few months. 2 months is really fast to get there.

Let him get to know you more, and fall in love with you. Give him that time.
 
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Sunshine2680 is offline Sunshine2680 Post #10  July 26,2010, 9:51am
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Mr_Right wrote :
It took me 5.5 months to say ILY to my girl. Why don't you calm down and relax for a few months. 2 months is really fast to get there.

Let him get to know you more, and fall in love with you. Give him that time.

I would have no issue doing that IF we weren't putting money away for a house...OR talking about what kind of engagement ring i'd like...OR talking about how many guests we'd have at our wedding...OR fantasizing about getting pregnant.

Like I said - I realize the timeline is only a short two months but we've progressed significantly on all levels except saying ILY.
And we're acting like a couple that's very much in love...aka..planning our life together...


...I just don't see how you can make plans like that....when you don't love someone.
It just doesn't add up
Last edited by Sunshine2680; July 26,2010 at 9:54am.
 
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