The L-word --- I'm ready,...he's not...Help!


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lillyarabella is offline lillyarabella Post #41  August 8,2010, 5:48am
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Maybe it will help if I share my experience. I was dating a guy for almost 2 years. When we began dating, he was not very emotional at all towards me or even towards others in his life like friends and family. My love literally bounced off him and ended up back in my lap. I was very hurt, but determined. I tried to make him love me...I did a ton of caring and nice things for him which weren't really "trying" at all and were my true nature. I gave a lot of my time, energy and focus, and yes, my love. In my head i kept hearing if you send love out you will get love returned. I kept hoping. I watched his actions (as he said actions speak louder than words and so did my shrink). he gave me a promise ring, we taped off room sizes of how we would reno his house, bought an armoire so i could begin moving in...yet on the other hand, we never went away together unless his friends were there and the actions never progressed into reality. I used to tell him i loved him and would hear silence in return. part of me died on the inside. i kept working to prove i was worthy of his love and yet it still didn't come. His actions were "carrots" to keep me. Believe it or not, i was very lonely in the relationship which is the worst. I did things I didn't like, such as going to cottages (eyuck) and it hit me while i was unable to sleep in the middle of the night that I knew how he was right from the start and I gave it my best shot, if he doesn't feel it, so be it. The choice then was mine as to whether the relationship was enough for me. He kicked me to the curb a few times and would come back and I would take him back..."maybe he's realized he loves me" and so I would hope. Then, as my heart and eyes opened, i saw he was a very cold and dark guy, who was extremely critical of me. Not only was I not being loved, he was demeaning me and I allowed his words to lessen my vision of myself. When we spoke of the promise ring he said "it's only a twisted piece of metal" and while he gave it to me which was an action, it was empty, void of meaning to him. My wake up call was watching The Bachelorette and hearing Ali say "I want to find someone who loves me back." It was as if a light bulb went on in my head and heart. Off I drove to his house, banged on his door and put that very direct question to him. i was so anxious I was shaking and dreaded but needed to know the answer. He said 'no' and that he doesn't feel love even for his Dad. I was stunned. Hurt, humiliated, angry at myself for not accepting the signs early on in those first few dates. I left and cried all the way home and still am in tears as I share this with you. The point of all this is...this is the picture of someone who doesn't love me...and hopefully your picture looks a lot different and it will be one of what love is...and not what love isn't. It took time to sort it out and that would be my advice to you. Look closely at the signs he's giving you, if he's aloof, unmoved by your tears, unappreciative of your kindnesses and gentle heart and if in your heart you feel a small ache, be careful. All the "signs" were there for me and I chose not to pay attention. I instead hoped, prayed and hung in there while working myself hard to have him appreciate me. He took and rarely gave back. Make sure he recharges you and fills you up with good things, positivity and support. And listen to your heart, it never ever lies and we just have to be ready to listen to it.
 
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Angelgal is offline Angelgal Post #42  August 8,2010, 7:58am
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Sunshine, I think you sound a lot like me. I had two relationships in the past in which I love you's were exchanged within a few weeks of dating...the first one, I said it back to him because I didn't want to not say it to him, not because I truly meant it. I thought, basically, if I said it, I would mean it. The second, the first true love of my life, I think it was about two months in that we said it to each other. He wanted to say it way earlier than I did (and it wasn't that I didn't want to say it because I didn't mean it or feel it, it was because I felt it was too soon and had been burned by the last guy who said it too early to me). We finally said it. I know I was in love with him, but I know now that he was not THE ONE. He would bring up wedding talk and all that and to me, that meant forever. The relationship lasted about 5 to 6 months, it ended terribly, and it affected me a very long time (I just recently had a revelation about it and can move on--about 3 and a half years later). I feel like this isn't making any sense to you, but I just wanted to share it with you. And I TOTALLY understand wanting to be told "I love you" by the man YOU love. I honestly, without a doubt, do not believe there is anything wrong with that. Yeah, people say that people throw the word "love around" willy nilly, but not everyone does that. From what I read from your posts, you definitely don't do that. I know that I don't do that. Yeah, people need to show their love through actions and stuff, the need for it to be said, to hear the words "I love you", that is INCREDIBLY important. Apparently for others (from other posts I have read in this thread), hearing isn't important, and usually I say "to each his own", but really, how can anyone be okay with not hearing those three very special words? Furthermore, I have learned from friends' relationships about this: not saying I love you until you are engaged, with that ring on the finger. That has become my rule, especially because of those two men who said it wayyyy too early to me. Even if they meant it and felt it, it was still too early. You have to let a relationship grow. Women become attached to a man very very easily once emotions are involved. A woman can become attached the very first date! And for I love you's and sex and all that to be thrown in sooo early....a woman's heart becomes incredibly involved and attached and if that relationship ends AT ALL, especially when they believed it would last for eternity, then the woman is crushed. Her heart has been damaged. I feel that that is already happening to you, and I feel I can say that to you because it has happened to me....the first guy, he was the first to say I love you to me...and at the end of the relationship I was saying it and he wasn't saying it back...it's heart-wrenching. A man can seem to be wonderful, fantastic, the best....and it turns out he isn't all those things, or he wasn't MEANT to be the one to be all those things to you. There IS a man out there, specifically for YOU, who will do things the way you want them to be done, and not because you're being bossy or something odd like that, but he will do things the way you want them to be done because that is what you have dreamed of. I know that for myself, I have given up on online dating because I felt that I wasn't letting God do his job...I wasn't trusting him to find the man for me and I wasn't trusting that he would be the orchestrator of the whole relationship--I thought if I looked hard enough I would find the right guy online, but if I did it all my own way, that guy might not have been THE ONE for me. And now that I have realized that, I am sooo excited to meet the man who will be with me for eternity. I know it may take some time, but I think about it every day and pray about it and let God know what I want. I don't know if you're religious or spiritual or whatever, I don't want you to think I am pushing anything on you!! These are just my thoughts and feelings and beliefs on this subject. Never ever let a man make you feel you deserve any less than what you desire--and you desire to hear those words. He doesn't seem to want to say them...and yet he is planning for the future? Trust that there is a man out there who is deserving of your love and trust that there is a man who will give you everything YOU deserve and more. I believe it is then that you will have an amazing relationship, and one that I hope will last forever and ever.

Please feel free to message me privately on here if you want to talk or discuss anything else about this matter....I feel that I understand where you are coming from....those words ARE important, I don't care what anyone says....it just depends on when you are supposed to say and hear those words. Don't rush it, the man who will love you forever will love you the way you want to be loved and the way you are supposed to be loved. So many people settle...don't settle. There is greatness and splendour out there for you.
 
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50willbefun is offline 50willbefun Post #43  August 8,2010, 8:28am
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Sunshine, Save all you want, but do use separate bank accounts with no access by the other. I'm thinking he could be a very friendly con man, or even if he isn't things could get messy financially if there is a split up.
 
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linusakachris is offline linusakachris Post #44  August 13,2010, 8:03am
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Yeah ... chill. 2 months is way too soon. I waited 6 months before I said I love you. 12 months before I proposed.

Elisabeth Elliott and others don't think men should use the L word unless you have a ring in your hand i.e., ready to propose.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #45  August 13,2010, 9:10am

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linusakachris wrote :
Yeah ... chill. 2 months is way too soon. I waited 6 months before I said I love you. 12 months before I proposed.

Elisabeth Elliott and others don't think men should use the L word unless you have a ring in your hand i.e., ready to propose.
Who is Elisabeth Elliott?
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #46  August 13,2010, 8:14pm
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
Who is Elisabeth Elliott?
She's a staff writer for eH.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #47  August 14,2010, 7:22am

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tweet37 wrote :
She's a staff writer for eH.
Seriously! People quote that carp!

*dies*
 
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mvp426 is offline mvp426 Post #48  September 20,2010, 9:14am
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Sounds like the two of you have something wonderful happening. Don't be a typical woman and ruin it with your nagging. He wouldn't be making these plans and talking about it with your parents if he didn't love you. So cut it out! He loves you and he'll say it when the time is right...unless, of course you ruin what you guys have by bugging him too much about it. One thing for sure, you won't make him love you any more by acting the way you're starting to act and playing these "I played it off well and said I wasn't ready to say it either" games. You know you love him, so don't pretend you're not ready to say it. What kind of reassurance does that give him? Now he's only going to wonder if you'll say it back, which in turn will prolong the time it takes for him to say it in the first place. Be confident in yourself and your relationship-he will only fall for you more when he sees that you are a woman who understands her worth and knows that she is worthy of his love.
 
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TheLadyInRed is offline TheLadyInRed Post #49  June 18,2011, 3:11pm
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Hi Sunshine,

I see this is well past the time you wrote your email ...how's the relationship going?

Best of life to you!
~ TheLadyInRed
 
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