Men I need your help. What is chemistry and why do guys make us feel terrible by saying we have no chemistry after 1-2 dates?


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CalalumniMD is offline CalalumniMD Post #1  July 25,2010, 2:34pm
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What's a good come back to the chemistry statement. One recent date who went back to the woman he loved, said we had no chemistry. I'm sorry, he was very, very plain and I know what I look like so that was so ridiculous. i assume chemistry is sexual attraction but a lot of men use it. One man said (from another dating site) asked to come to my home (NO!) to determine in 30 minutes if we have chemistry (I'm still laughing at that one).

By telling a woman there is no chemistry it is a put down and implicates that something is wrong with the woman.

Advise please!

Thanks much
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  July 25,2010, 2:43pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Looking for a 'comeback' seems like a way to get even. In the end I think that only hurts oneself.

Actually, I find people use the word 'chemistry' trying to be nice. What they oftentimes mean is 'I don't find you attractive'....so using a vague word like chemistry sounds a little bit better. However, for some people 'chemistry' can also have a lot to do with things other than physical appearance.
 
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chemgal is offline chemgal Post #3  July 25,2010, 3:08pm
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"Chemistry" can mean sexual attraction - which isn't just appearance-based, it's also biochemical (pheremones and all that jazz).

"Chemistry" can mean the way the two of you interact. It's similar to how you just "click" with some people and want to be their friend while others you bond with less easily.

While there are lots of other types of "chemistry", if you're hearing the term after only a couple of dates, it's probably one of those two things. It's not personal; it's just that the two of you aren't a good match.
 
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Florida_Hostage is offline Florida_Hostage Post #4  July 25,2010, 3:24pm
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When I feel chemistry with a person, it has very little to do with sexual attraction. To me, it is a mental and personality meshing that feels exciting and good....so I think it really means he's just really not into you. Not everyone will be, but some will. Just move on and forget the comebacks.
 
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suzyque is online now suzyque Post #5  July 25,2010, 3:46pm
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You are very attractive and I peeked at your profile, wow - you have stellar accomplishments I'd add this...it's them and not you!

Perhaps a good comeback would be "could you please tell me why?" Maybe they can provide useful information for future dating possibilities. But seriously, I'd say you were a "catch".
 
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TalkingTina is offline TalkingTina Post #6  July 25,2010, 3:53pm
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CalalumniMD wrote :
What's a good come back to the chemistry statement. One recent date who went back to the woman he loved, said we had no chemistry.

It sounds to me that, in this case, it had more to do with him not getting over his ex and still being in love with her than any chemistry with you. He used the chemistry as an excuse, when he should have just said he is still in love with his ex and going back to her. It had nothing to do with you or chemistry.
Last edited by TalkingTina; July 25,2010 at 4:00pm.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #7  July 25,2010, 3:56pm
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Chemistry can be that instant compatibility. Its when the person you are with seems to be able to send out signals that you're able to read, and vice versa. Its that matching of give and take where the result is someone you can feel comfortable with fairly quickly. It is usually this chemistry, that makes us do things we normally wouldn't do, because its almost like a wave. You ride this wave, and it can land you in places you may not believe you could land, like in bed on the first date.

You shouldn't feel terrible if there isn't chemistry. Chemistry goes in both directions for it to work. If you feel bad, then that means A: you are investing too much into that first date. If you are not investing, and you feel terrible, then there might be some manipulation going on here, or the guy is doing something he shouldn't.
 
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Ceebs is offline Ceebs Post #8  July 25,2010, 4:44pm
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My view of "chemistry" is what the French call je ne sais quoi. Literally it means "I don't know what" but it's generally translated into English as that certain something. It's intangible and very different for each one of us.

Can you put your finger on a universal quality or qualities that attracts you to some people but not others? I'd be very surprised if you can honestly answer yes to that. It's a case of the whole being greater than the sum of the parts and that's what chemistry is. It just is.

Don't get too hung up on the word itself and don't feel terrible about it. He's not trying to put you down or make you feel awful by using that word. He's just telling you that the connection he's looking for is not there. Some people you will "click" with and some you won't - that's just the way life is. Try to accept it with good grace and move on. When you find your chemistry you'll know it. Good luck.

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bettinawindbloom is offline bettinawindbloom Post #9  July 25,2010, 5:07pm
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Chemistry is that mysterious sparkly thing that happens between two people, there is no comeback if it doesn't exist and it isn't a put down to you if there isn't any.

It's like if you mixed flour and vinegar together. Nothing happens. There's nothing wrong with flour or vinegar but they just aren't right together. But when vinegar meeting meets baking soda, watch out! Chemistry! And then flour goes and meets yeast and wowie! Chemistry.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #10  July 25,2010, 5:29pm
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wrote :
What's a good come back to the chemistry statement. One recent date who went back to the woman he loved, said we had no chemistry. I'm sorry, he was very, very plain and I know what I look like so that was so ridiculous.
Nothing ridiculous about it at all....to me, "chemistry" has very little to do with looks anyway.
If it were me I'd be less concerned about trying to one up the guy, and just move on.

You're not going to do well with online dating if you take too much to heart.
wrote :
By telling a woman there is no chemistry it is a put down and implicates that something is wrong with the woman.
I've no idea where you heard this, but it simply isn't true.
Last edited by TheThinker; July 25,2010 at 5:36pm.
 
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