Men I need your help. What is chemistry and why do guys make us feel terrible by saying we have no chemistry after 1-2 dates?


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yinyang is offline yinyang Post #81  August 2,2010, 12:30am
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Dafearon wrote :
Chemistry can be that instant compatibility. Its when the person you are with seems to be able to send out signals that you're able to read, and vice versa. Its that matching of give and take where the result is someone you can feel comfortable with fairly quickly. It is usually this chemistry, that makes us do things we normally wouldn't do, because its almost like a wave. You ride this wave, and it can land you in places you may not believe you could land, like in bed on the first date.

You shouldn't feel terrible if there isn't chemistry. Chemistry goes in both directions for it to work. If you feel bad, then that means A: you are investing too much into that first date. If you are not investing, and you feel terrible, then there might be some manipulation going on here, or the guy is doing something he shouldn't.
***You ride this wave, and it can land you in places you may not believe you could land, like in bed on the first date. ***



Yes, I did this,and have no regrets, but its something extremely rare for me to do on a first date. My very first date on eharmony. And yes, it was complete and utter magical chemistry from the first moment our eyes met, we were riding the wave alright.
Now if only i can find that same intensity again.....
 
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papabotts is offline papabotts Post #82  August 2,2010, 10:32pm
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Chemistry does not always have to mean "sexual chemistry", (and you implicate someone in a crime or a scheme. Someone can IMPLY you had no chemistry. Maybe the issue was intellectual incompatibility? Maybe he has diddferent hobbies? Political views? You like playing tennis, he likes to curl up with a book, etc., etc. Just because you deem yourself more conventionally physically attractive than he was and this is is where you automatically go to when you heard he said, "we had no chemistry", tells me you might have been a little superficial for him. This sounds like a good man who values the whole person over a zaftig body alone. It sounds like your selfvalue is mostly based on your outer attributes while he was more into inner attributes and uses "chemistry" in a more complex way than you see it.
And although it might be true you might not get to really know someones chemistry on just 1-2 dates, sometimes there is no chemistry on so many levels, and life being as short as it is, people are honest enough with themselves, and you to admit this fact. Heck, he saved you both time.It could have been many things, the way you spoke, dressed, ate, your likes or dislikes that made him know almost intuitively that you had no chemistry. It's not an insult and there's no need to assume it was. Are you used to "ugly men" not turning you down because you are more attractive than they are? Because, honestly this sounds like a pretty superficial complaint. Women often complain men say, "I'll call you" and then do not. At least this guy had the integrity to be honest with you, and then you complain about that. Cheistry is not always a two way street. I dated women I was attracted to, but they were not attracted to me and vice-versa. Everyone is not meant for everyone or no realtionships would be special. But if his honesty took you to this assumption, and your assuming he should not have said it because you are a prettier woman than he is a man, this is the least of your issues. Have you looked deep inside yourself to see on what basis you get your selfesteem? Might be time to read a few self help books or learn a new and deeper emotional language/vocabulary.
 
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dreamer34 is offline dreamer34 Post #83  August 5,2010, 10:57am
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In my opinion, you were too good for him.
Some men get intimidated when a woman is too perfect or self-confident and tend to feel inferior or not "man-enough", so they'll find any excuse they can think of to run. I've been told by men I dated that they felt useless with me, because I could pay my own bills & I was too independent.

The chemistry concept depends on the individual in my opinion. For some it's sexual attractions, for others it's the butterflies in the stomach, for some it could be the challenge of the chase and so forth.

In either case, he did you a favor. You deserve better.
 
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nepacutie is offline nepacutie Post #84  August 5,2010, 2:44pm

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I'm not a man, but I'll add my two cents. When I was dating, there were a few men that I really cliqued with via our phone and email exchanges. But when I met them in person, I didn't feel any chemistry. These were attractive men. Chemistry is the whole package...not just the physical. For me, my lack of chemistry with these men was I just simply wasn't attracted to them...I need personality and mental stimulation in addition to the physical attraction. So it is possible to not feel chemistry with someone after a first date although said person might be attractive.

As feeling the need for a come back...why? I'm sure there have been some men that you decided not to continue dating. That's what it is, dating. There are going to be ones you clique with and ones you don't. If someone isn't interested in you, don't sweat it...move on. It's there loss...not yours :-)
 
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KISS_keepitsimplesam is offline KISS_keepitsimplesam Post #85  September 8,2010, 4:33pm
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I disagree with the individual who said it's a put down for a man to tell a woman there's no chemistry (because it implies there's something wrong with the woman).

What the gooney goo-goo are we talking about!!! Really??? Are you kidding me!!! Chemistry is something that's either there or it's not. You can't manufacture it and you can't force it. I've known many GREAT guys who would make outstanding life partners (but not for me). It had nothing to do with there being anything wrong with them, I just didn't have that fire in my belly to get naked with them.

Suffice it to say, that I would endorse them in a hearbeat if my sister, mother, friend, grandmother wanted to date them... I just didn't feel that giddiness for them myself. No reflection on them. The chemistry wasn't there. The end!
 
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CalalumniMD is offline CalalumniMD Post #86  September 9,2010, 10:38am
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Thanks all!
 
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Isa77a is offline Isa77a Post #87  September 9,2010, 4:02pm
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TheThinker wrote :
Nothing ridiculous about it at all....to me, "chemistry" has very little to do with looks anyway.
If it were me I'd be less concerned about trying to one up the guy, and just move on.

You're not going to do well with online dating if you take too much to heart.

I've no idea where you heard this, but it simply isn't true.
The last person that I just met a few weeks ago on e-harmony told me the same that we just didn't have chemistry.

I felt exactly like the girl who started the tread "Something is wrong with me, and has to be with my physical appearance" maybe if you haven’t heard this before it is because you just don’t know how women feel when we get this phrase “We just don’t have chemistry”

I asked this guy later what does that means well he told many things that I already told him before he came to visit me. I send a lot of pictures even some were I didn’t look my best.

He ended up saying that I just wasn’t as gorgeous as the other girls that he dated in the past. Of course that did hurt.

Anyways something I’ve learned is that you have to be very cold person to handle on line dating or very under control of your emotions. I don’t mean to insult anybody but I just can’t do that.

For that reason I’ll be no longer on e-h It is just not for me. You need thick skin to handle this and I’m a sensitive person.

You are so right on that
 
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