Men I need your help. What is chemistry and why do guys make us feel terrible by saying we have no chemistry after 1-2 dates?


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Gaffer is offline Gaffer Post #11  July 25,2010, 6:05pm
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wrote :
What's a good come back to the chemistry statement. One recent date who went back to the woman he loved, said we had no chemistry. I'm sorry, he was very, very plain and I know what I look like so that was so ridiculous. i assume chemistry is sexual attraction but a lot of men use it.

By telling a woman there is no chemistry it is a put down and implicates that something is wrong with the woman.

Advise please!

Thanks much
I thought about the OP a bit before I read on because I think that between the thread title and the OP, you are feeling more than just a tad burned by this one. For whatever reason you felt a connection, and took it as a personal insult that he not only didn't reciprocate, but ended up going back to his ex.

To answer the first part of the thread title, I think Ceebs nailed it (for me anyways):
Ceebs wrote :
My view of "chemistry" is what the French call je ne sais quoi. Literally it means "I don't know what" but it's generally translated into English as that certain something. It's intangible and very different for each one of us.

Can you put your finger on a universal quality or qualities that attracts you to some people but not others? I'd be very surprised if you can honestly answer yes to that. It's a case of the whole being greater than the sum of the parts and that's what chemistry is. It just is.
If your thread title is correct in that you had only gone on 1-2 dates before this happened, I think you may have dived in a little too deep too soon. Emotionally over extending yourself with someone you just started dating can happen, especially if you feel "chemistry", and if you are feeling this strongly about it you need to recognize it, learn from it, and move on.

By telling a woman there is no chemistry, for myself, can include a range of things. Aside from the undefinable things that I just feel about or toward another person, I could use it as a polite way of saying that there are differences between us that I feel would not only be a hindrance to a relationship, but could potentially be outright disagreeable.

If someone told me "we have no chemistry", I'd just leave it at that and move on. Even if I felt a connection, she obviously did not. Anything beyond that is a can of worms I might want to leave unopened since nothing good could come of it.
 
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Fide_Et_Marte is offline Fide_Et_Marte Post #12  July 25,2010, 6:47pm
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CalalumniMD wrote :
What's a good come back to the chemistry statement. One recent date who went back to the woman he loved, said we had no chemistry. I'm sorry, he was very, very plain and I know what I look like so that was so ridiculous. i assume chemistry is sexual attraction but a lot of men use it.
While men usually mean "I'm not physically attracted to you" when they say "I'm not feeling any chemistry," it doesn't always have to mean that. That statement can also mean that something about your personality or attitude pushed him away.

In any case, it doesn't matter; any man who says this isn't the man you're looking for, so just move on.

CalalumniMD wrote :
By telling a woman there is no chemistry it is a put down and implicates that something is wrong with the woman.
No, it doesn't; it just means that you weren't the woman he's looking for.

The fact that you want to retaliate against men who don't find you to be a good match indicates to me that you might be a ballbuster. If the men you go on dates with also get that impression, that would explain why they head for the exits.

(Keep in mind that a true ballbuster, like an alcoholic, is always the last person to realize it, and will vehemently deny it until she does. So just because you think you're not a ballbuster doesn't mean you aren't one.)
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #13  July 25,2010, 7:04pm
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Fide_Et_Marte wrote :

No, it doesn't; it just means that you weren't the woman he's looking for. NO, your right. He wanted his ex.

The fact that you want to retaliate against men who don't find you to be a good match indicates to me that you might be a ballbuster. If the men you go on dates with also get that impression, that would explain why they head for the exits.

(Keep in mind that a true ballbuster, like an alcoholic, is always the last person to realize it, and will vehemently deny it until she does. So just because you think you're not a ballbuster doesn't mean you aren't one.)

Seeing how this supposed man was going back to his ex. There really wasnt a need for him to say anything else. But maybe it made him feel better and less like a wuss to say there wasnt any chemistry.
So in other words. That guy didnt have what it takes for the OP to even have to bust em.
 
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singinggirl is online now singinggirl Post #14  July 25,2010, 8:37pm
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CalalumniMD wrote :
What's a good come back to the chemistry statement. One recent date who went back to the woman he loved, said we had no chemistry. I'm sorry, he was very, very plain and I know what I look like so that was so ridiculous. i assume chemistry is sexual attraction but a lot of men use it. One man said (from another dating site) asked to come to my home (NO!) to determine in 30 minutes if we have chemistry (I'm still laughing at that one).

By telling a woman there is no chemistry it is a put down and implicates that something is wrong with the woman.

Advise please!

Thanks much
Calalum, it sounds as if you are taking this too personally. I think chemistry has many components, only one of which is sexual. As others have said, it is hard to define. It's kind of like p0rn: It's hard to define, but I know it when I see it. People either have chemistry with someone or they don't. And, while I think it may be a little difficult to judge in 30 minutes, I think it's often obvious fairly quickly whether there is any potential there or not. I think we have all met people that we knew pretty quickly were not a good match. The best way you can explain that sometimes is to say that there is no chemistry.

Try to just accept that this means the person is not a good match for you. It is often thought to be an easy way to back out of a situation where one person or the other is "not feeling it." Good luck!
 
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melman is offline melman Post #15  July 25,2010, 8:52pm
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CalalumniMD wrote :
By telling a woman there is no chemistry it is a put down and implicates that something is wrong with the woman.
That is only true in your own mind.

Face facts. There is no good way to tell someone that, after 1 or 2 dates, that you aren't interested in more dates.

Some people insist that they want to be told directly. Others want to be let down easy. Others seem to want to be lied to because they can't really handle the truth. But regardless, everyone comes here and posts about how offended they were. It's a no-win situation.

Accept that he isn't interested in dating you further. And have at least a little appreciation that he told you something instead of just vanishing.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #16  July 26,2010, 9:42am
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I'm not sure what you would prefer instead. "I'm sorry, but there's no chemistry." is better than "I'm not feeling any attraction to you." or "There's no way I could fall in love with you."
 
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Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #17  July 26,2010, 9:59am
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CalalumniMD wrote :
What's a good come back to the chemistry statement. One recent date who went back to the woman he loved, said we had no chemistry. I'm sorry, he was very, very plain and I know what I look like so that was so ridiculous. i assume chemistry is sexual attraction but a lot of men use it. One man said (from another dating site) asked to come to my home (NO!) to determine in 30 minutes if we have chemistry (I'm still laughing at that one).

By telling a woman there is no chemistry it is a put down and implicates that something is wrong with the woman.

Advise please!

Thanks much
So would you rather be lied to??? Fact is the person is doing you a favor by telling you the truth in a tactful manner.

There's always value in being told the truth MOST ESPECIALLY when you don't want to hear it.
 
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mary_mary is offline mary_mary Post #18  July 26,2010, 5:16pm

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CalalumniMD wrote :
By telling a woman there is no chemistry it is a put down and implicates that something is wrong with the woman.
And that we're too stupid to know what they're really saying: One way or another (you're too fat, too old, too wrinkled, too ugly all round), you just don't come up to my standards for my wonderful, desirable self. "Chemistry" is when you measure up to their standards of sexual attractiveness, standards that their wonderful, desirable selves are entitled to have met.

It is a tacky put-down disguised as something allegedly neutral. About as transparent as the emperor's clothes.

Is there a civil way for them to say this?

Yeah, I think a lie, any old lie, would be more civil.

But hey, they could always just say what they really mean ... and face the guffaws that would result in most cases.
Last edited by mary_mary; July 26,2010 at 6:58pm. Reason: typo
 
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mary_mary is offline mary_mary Post #19  July 26,2010, 5:22pm

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Fide_Et_Marte wrote :
The fact that you want to retaliate against men who don't find you to be a good match indicates to me that you might be a ballbuster. If the men you go on dates with also get that impression, that would explain why they head for the exits.
Yeah. Imagine what your post indicates to me, if you will.

Fide_Et_Marte wrote :
(Keep in mind that a true ballbuster, like an alcoholic, is always the last person to realize it, and will vehemently deny it until she does. So just because you think you're not a ballbuster doesn't mean you aren't one.)
That's a good one. If I said that the fact that you speak like this to women who are strangers to you and about whom you know nothing, in fact the very fact that you apply such stupid language and concepts to any woman, indicated to me that you might be, oh, an extremely unpleasant and misogynistic person to whom all women should give a wide berth, I know you would understand that the very fact of your denial would suggest that I was right.

r.o.f.l.
 
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bettinawindbloom is offline bettinawindbloom Post #20  July 27,2010, 4:10am
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mary_mary wrote :
And that we're too stupid to know what they're really saying: One way or another (you're too fat, too old, too wrinkled, too ugly all round), you just don't come up to my standards for my wonderful, desirable self. "Chemistry" is when you measure up to their standards of sexual attractiveness, standards that their wonderful, desirable selves are entitled to have met.

It is a tacky put-down disguised as something allegedly neutral. About as transparent as the emperor's clothes.

Is there a civil way for them to say this?

Yeah, I think a lie, any old lie, would be more civil.

But hey, they could always just say what they really mean ... and face the guffaws that would result in most cases.
That is so not true. There are plenty of very handsome men that I've felt no chemistry with, and plenty of funny looking ones that I've felt that spark with.

All of you who are saying that chemistry is something that the other person *should* feel or they are mean, have clearly never felt it. It's either there or it's not.
 
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