dkwtd is offline dkwtd Post #1  July 14,2010, 8:19am
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I'm too embarrassed to go to any of my friends about this but am in need of advice or opinions. I've been dating someone for about 6 months. We became intimate about month 3 at which time he told me he had herpes. He explained that he takes a daily medication that helps reduce outbreaks etc. I researched it and although surely wish he didn't have it, it was not a dealbreaker for me because I really love him.

This is where it gets complicated.... He has difficulty with condoms and told me his ex never got the herpes. He said he always feels an outbreak before it happens and taking the daily meds rarely gets them. This is where I was stupid, stupid , stupid. We have had unprotected sex for months because I knew he was on the meds and trusted he knew how to handle it.

Well.... I just found his medication and learned that he does not take it daily. He denied this at first and then finally came clean that he skips and takes it if he feels an outbreak coming on, not daily. I am furious with him and very furious with me.

I don't know what to do. I feel like he put me at risk by lying to me about how he takes his meds and leading me to believe it was safe. Although I did research it and know there was some risks, him not being on daily meds was a risk I would not have chosen to take. I also hate that I've been lied to both from the get go and when I confronted him. I don't feel I can trust him anymore. He has apologized and tried to rationalize by saying he felt he had a handle on it. Bottom line to me is he lied and put me at greater risk than he portrayed. Thoughts please!!
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #2  July 14,2010, 8:23am

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dkwtd wrote :
This is where it gets complicated.... He has difficulty with condoms and told me his ex never got the herpes.
You might want to have some brain functionality tests done.

Are there really women out there stupid enough to let a guy get away with not using a condom? This thread is just a joke, right?
 
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dkwtd is offline dkwtd Post #3  July 14,2010, 8:28am
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hankscorpio wrote :
You might want to have some brain functionality tests done.
You might be right! I wish it was a joke, that's why I am so upset with myself. I'm an intelligent, educated woman who knew better but ignored my common sense. Not only am I dealing with being incredibly mad at myself for being so foolish, I don't know what to do about the relationship.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #4  July 14,2010, 8:36am
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First, go and get yourself tested at a clinic.

Then, decide if this lie is big enough that you no longer trust him. If you don't trust him, the relationship is over no matter what he says to explain it away.

By the way, I don't buy the argument from him that he has difficulty with condoms. Given the circumstances, he needs to practise more with them so that he doesn't have difficulty.
Last edited by annother; July 14,2010 at 8:37am. Reason: clarification
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #5  July 14,2010, 8:37am
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The problem here is that he is in denial about how to manage his disease in order to keep both of you safe. And what does: "difficulty with condoms" mean? I'm rolling my eyes very very hard here. There are so many many options for condoms of all kinds now including super sensitive ones, glow in the dark ones, flavored ones. There is also the potential of the female condom (not sure if it works for herpes transmission.) Yeah, they don't feel as great as nothing but they feel a lot better the the worry, stigma, shame, and health consequences of an STD. And what about pregnancy? And what about herpes plus pregnancy?

How can you trust him now? He needs a seminar on how to manage and live with his condition. He needs to grow up and take responsibility. His excuses about the condoms and the teflon ex make me want to throw down the bs flag.

If I fell in love with someone with any kind of communicable disease it would be a total deal breaker if they did not do what it takes to keep me safe. I would also do what it takes to keep me safe. This is the only way a relationship would flourish. If you can't even trust him to take his meds and he keeps tossing out flimsy excuses, it doesn't bode well.

I'm not one to tell people to move on but this one needs some serious foundation work, if it's even salvagable.
Last edited by 2clueless; July 14,2010 at 8:39am.
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #6  July 14,2010, 8:47am

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dkwtd wrote :
You might be right! I wish it was a joke, that's why I am so upset with myself. I'm an intelligent, educated woman who knew better but ignored my common sense. Not only am I dealing with being incredibly mad at myself for being so foolish, I don't know what to do about the relationship.
My advice - dump him three months ago or as soon as possible. Practice being happy on your own.

You need to somehow work up enough self respect to not let some guy chump you up like this d-bag did.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #7  July 14,2010, 9:16am
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You both need to be educated.
Whether he was on meds or not has nothing to do with you having unprotected sex when you knew he had herpes.
As far as I know, you can still get it, regardless of whether your partner is having an outbreak.
Why you would want to play roulette with your health...especially with someone you've only been dating, is really beyond comprehension.
I mean, holy smokes, even the commercials for the meds tell you that...

I'd be running to the clinic to get tested, if I were you.
Last edited by TheThinker; July 14,2010 at 9:20am.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #8  July 14,2010, 10:53am
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Herpes is not the end of the world. It's not life-threatening. It's fairly common.

That said ... I'd dump him. He lied about something that deeply affects you, in order to avoid having to use condoms. Very selfish. I would not want to make my life vulnerable to someone this selfish and this untrustworthy.

As for you making the mistakes you made ... oh dear! Learn from them and go forward a wiser woman. Do not have unprotected sex. Period. No matter what your partner tells you. What if what he'd been lying about was a more serious disease?

But don't waste time beating yourself up more than you need to, to learn the lesson. Love makes people be foolish sometimes!

You can be in love and get carried away and still behave rationally.
 
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theprincessbride is offline theprincessbride Post #9  July 14,2010, 11:29am
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dkwtd wrote :
I'm too embarrassed to go to any of my friends about this but am in need of advice or opinions. I've been dating someone for about 6 months. We became intimate about month 3 at which time he told me he had herpes. He explained that he takes a daily medication that helps reduce outbreaks etc. I researched it and although surely wish he didn't have it, it was not a dealbreaker for me because I really love him.

This is where it gets complicated.... He has difficulty with condoms and told me his ex never got the herpes. He said he always feels an outbreak before it happens and taking the daily meds rarely gets them. This is where I was stupid, stupid , stupid. We have had unprotected sex for months because I knew he was on the meds and trusted he knew how to handle it.

Well.... I just found his medication and learned that he does not take it daily. He denied this at first and then finally came clean that he skips and takes it if he feels an outbreak coming on, not daily. I am furious with him and very furious with me.

I don't know what to do. I feel like he put me at risk by lying to me about how he takes his meds and leading me to believe it was safe. Although I did research it and know there was some risks, him not being on daily meds was a risk I would not have chosen to take. I also hate that I've been lied to both from the get go and when I confronted him. I don't feel I can trust him anymore. He has apologized and tried to rationalize by saying he felt he had a handle on it. Bottom line to me is he lied and put me at greater risk than he portrayed. Thoughts please!!
Girl, dump him! I'm a guy and I can't understand why you still have a "question" in your mind about staying or leaving. Are you kidding me?
 
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JeffB is offline JeffB Post #10  July 14,2010, 12:28pm
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I say dump him, you don't trust him for lying and you shouldn't. At the same time, he doesn't respect you because he fed you some total BS lines, first that he takes meds for the herpes and second the condom thing, what's so difficult about it? Take it out of he wrapper and put it on. Maybe if he figured out how to work a condom he wouldn't have herpes in the first place.
 
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