I'm almost shocked, hurt and relieved at the same time. I didn't know a lot of guys in the military could be like this.


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
cs98 is offline cs98 Post #1  July 7,2010, 3:50pm
cs98's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2010

Posts: 13

See profile

I met a man in the Army online (not through a website, but I had spoken to him when I was much much younger and he contacted me years later) and we ended up meeting (he flew me out to see him). We came to the conclusion that we wanted to be in a relationship together. I saw him for a week in one month and then flew out to see him again another month.

Right after that he started to get a bit strange. He became very emotionally abusive and I started to get the sense that he may have been cheating on me, but he would always put the blame on me when I would start to ask questions. "You ask too many questions, you're so controlling, you have to realize that other people are always going to get to see me more than you and that any time I have a chance to leave base I'm always going to go home instead of seeing you." This was coupled with him telling me that he would never stop talking to his ex girlfriends for me and that I would never be as important to him as a girl he had cared about who had passed away 7 years prior. He had told me he loved me and wanted to marry me one day because he hadn't been so happy in a very long time only a week or so earlier. He tried to break up with me at one point to "work on the relationship outside of the relationship", which made me understand that he was either seeing other people or wanted to have an open option of seeing other people. He still talked to me on the phone every single day. He would never face hard times with me and always got off the phone and got onto AIM or some other ridiculous form of communication to yell at me.

After a few weeks of noticing he wasn't changing any habits, I went on a date with someone else and became physical (I had not seen the military guy for four months because he made many excuses that he was too busy). When I outright told him that I had been with another person out of respect of wanting him to have the decision of whether or not he wanted to see if we could work things out, he told me that I had cheated on him and blew up at me and I was told how disgusting I was for letting another man touch me and he didn't deal with cheaters. I was told that if I didn't act stupid anymore that we may be able to work things out, but the abuse became much worse. I hadn't heard in a very long time that he loved me, cared about me or even missed me, but I was still trying to be a good girlfriend and encourage him to do things for himself, sending him holiday gifts in the mail and trying to be there for him when he felt down, but he would never talk to me when he was in a good mood.

He would always tell me he needed space and I would give him space, but then he'd always try to send me little messages to see how I was doing, and if I responded he would tell me he just needed a little bit more time to think about things. 7 months into our relationship he went away to take a class that would help him move up a rank, and he called me after six days of being there to tell me how much he cared about me, missed me, called me baby for the first time in over five months, and told me that he wanted things to get better between us. I made it clear to him that it would not be an easy road to repair things that had been said and done on his end, but I was willing to try.

The very night he got home from training he started acting shady again like he had been for months (didn't call when he said he would, wouldn't listen to me if he hurt my feelings, acted like he had to get off the phone, would answer his phone but just leave it in his pocket without talking to me sometimes when he was out, and would always have a bad attitude toward me). I straight out told him that if he wanted me to go and didn't want to have to deal with things anymore that the door was open to walk, all he had to do was say so because I was sure he didn't want to be there. I would always get an "I don't know" or "You know I care about you".

When month the next month came around (we had still been talking every day), I got a phone call from him. We laughed and talked about things that were fun and a bit more serious about us. The next day he called to tell me that he finally got forms to sign up for school (something I had begged him to do for about 6 months because I knew it would help him in the long run whether he was in the military or not), and he was finally going to stop talking to his ex girlfriends (something I had asked him to do since the beginning of our relationship), but then he said that that included me. I was told that I was not a good friend and that I didn't deserve to be in his life and get the attention I was getting from him. This threw me for a loop.

I asked him what he was talking about and what was going on and all he could tell me was I wasn't that amazing and he didn't owe me an explanation. The very next day I found out that he started seeing someone else. I had asked if he would send me my things back that I had left at his apartment or to at least send me a check in the mail for what it was worth, and he never did. For a little while I sat around and thought that I must have done something horribly wrong to offend him or anger him in some way to make him lash out at me like that and treat me so bad, and things just didn't feel like they were adding up.

I contacted the girl he was with to ask when they had started dating and I explained to her that I had been with him for eight months and waited for most of that time to be able to see him again. Apparently the very day he stopped talking to me is the day she moved in with him and he had been seeing her throughout most of our relationship. That he had even proposed to her while he was still speaking with me even though any time I had asked him if he was seeing someone else he would deny it. The other girl said she had never heard anything about me, that I must have been crazy stalker, hateful and trying to break them up for some hidden agenda that I had. The message I sent her was not bitter or angry in any which way, I had just explained to her everything that had happened and that he was not returning my things or paying me back for what was left out there, and because I believed that she may have known our relationships were overlapping (since she had been the one he was cheating on me with), I asked if she could please respect me enough to give me that sort of closure. At that point I realized that he may never told anyone in his life about me even though he would talk about moving in with me at times, going on trips and would comfort me when I would cry about the idea of him going overseas and not getting to see him. I also understood why I was being treated so badly and the reason he waited to stop talking to me when he did. Because as soon as she moved in, he wouldn't be able to keep up what he was doing without being caught by one of us.

In the next message I sent to her, I thanked her for finally giving me the peace I needed to understand that nothing had been my fault and that I felt bad for the both of us for being lied to so much by him.

I just found out all of this a few days ago and it's a strange feeling. I'm glad to not have to be the one that's there anymore and I'm glad I figured out what was happening so that I wasn't spending so much time beating myself up because he chose to tell me it was my fault he treated me the way he did. I'm happy, but at the same time I feel a huge amount of sarrow for her. I understand completely why she lashed out at me, but I had not understood the situation myself for its entirety. I'm certain she will still marry him. She's very young (only 20), and I believe she trusts him without doubt because he's extremely charming and fun on the surface. So for the past few days I've almost felt guilty knowing 8 months of pain, lies and abuse was probably better than the false sense of happiness, trust and security that was now involved in. He had a choice of getting himself out of the situation when he started seeing her, and he chose not to. I even told him several times that if he felt he'd be happier leaving that he could and gave him many opportunities to just admit what was going on without me getting angry, but he wouldn't budge and just kept lying to both of us. It makes me very curious as to why.
 
  Reply With Quote
cs98 is offline cs98 Post #2  July 7,2010, 3:51pm
cs98's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2010

Posts: 13

See profile

It's a little long... didn't realize that until I posted it. Sorry.
 
  Reply With Quote
lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #3  July 7,2010, 4:20pm
lunabeach's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Jun 2010

Ohio

Posts: 2,167

See profile

Sorry to hear your story - considering you knew him in the past, do you feel he changed then vs. now? (not just your perception, but actual personality changes)

I ask b/c I know someone who was married to a man who served in Afghanistan - he came back a totally different man and what probably would have been a long, happy marriage was ended by PTSD and TBI.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #4  July 7,2010, 4:55pm
jayhawkgirl's Avatar

is back to square one

Pacesetter

Joined: Oct 2008

Posts: 405

See profile

cs98 wrote :

After a few weeks of noticing he wasn't changing any habits, I went on a date with someone else and became physical (I had not seen the military guy for four months because he made many excuses that he was too busy). When I outright told him that I had been with another person out of respect of wanting him to have the decision of whether or not he wanted to see if we could work things out, he told me that I had cheated on him and blew up at me
Wow. I have heard all kinds of rationalizations for cheating, but claiming to have done it out of respect for the other person? That's a new one.

You two sound like you deserve each other.
 
  Reply With Quote
livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #5  July 7,2010, 5:05pm
livenlearn's Avatar

Yay! spring has sprung.

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2009

cosmos

Posts: 3,439

See profile

I am sorry, I couldnt read your whole post. After reading the first two paragraphs I wondered why you would have put up with half of the BS concidering you didnt even live near him or have children with him?

Something you might want to think about.
At a certain point you should have said to yourself. Wait a minute. I dont deserve this.
Why didnt you?

These types of men are found anywhere.
But for a clue. They hate women and usually work in a pretty much male oriented job. Hence stereo typing of certain careers and men. To which there is some truth.
 
  Reply With Quote
cs98 is offline cs98 Post #6  July 7,2010, 5:09pm
cs98's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2010

Posts: 13

See profile

If you had read the few sentenses before that I wrote that he broke up with me. He told me for months he wanted me to move on to other people and the moment I did he screamed at me about cheating on him when he had left me, and then told me that I needed to be faithful to him from then on.
 
  Reply With Quote
annother is offline annother Post #7  July 7,2010, 5:13pm
annother's Avatar

Sage

Joined: Apr 2010

Alberta

Posts: 10,735

See profile

It sounds as though you dodged a bullet. I think you should close all ties with him. That includes walking away from your possessions that are in his apartment. Unless you've got something of great sentimental value there (like your grandmother's jewellery), just leave it. It's not worth the aggravation of trying to get them back.

By the way, I don't know much about the armed forces, but I don't think you can attribute his behaviours to "a lot of guys in the military."
 
  Reply With Quote
livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #8  July 7,2010, 5:14pm
livenlearn's Avatar

Yay! spring has sprung.

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2009

cosmos

Posts: 3,439

See profile

cs98 wrote :
If you had read the few sentenses before that I wrote that he broke up with me. He told me for months he wanted me to move on to other people and the moment I did he screamed at me about cheating on him when he had left me, and then told me that I needed to be faithful to him from then on.
O, thats typical of these men. It's called hoovering. They suck you back in.
I am not condemning you one bit. The smartest women have been caught in their snare. You arent the first or the last.
The question is presented to you so that you realize you may need to work on your own self esteem. What did you do to deserve what he dealt you?
Nothing.
I dont want to see you get caught back in that type of situation. Because next time you may end up with worse.
Come out of this all the wiser.
 
  Reply With Quote
littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #9  July 7,2010, 5:16pm
littlebluemon…'s Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Jul 2008

Posts: 13,649

See profile

Agree with the others - this isn't really about him. It's about you learning to set healthy boundaries with people.

Someone who makes excuses not to see you - who is verbally abusive - this is not someone to stay involved with. The fact that you went out and got physically involved with someone else (and told him) just complicates things and also indicates to me a lack of healthy boundaries.

As livenlearn said, there are men like this in all walks of life. The trick is to be healthy enough to learn to recognize them and steer clear. The healthy ones will tell you directly what they want - they will talk about exclusivity and then keep their word - and they'll make time for the relationship, regardless of the circumstances.

One of the things I repeat over and over here is pay attention to what people do - not what they say. One of the dangers in beginning to date someone who is long-distance is that you aren't really in a position to know what they're doing on a regular basis...you have to take their word. A relationship like this takes a much more stringent level of communication and effort, at least in the beginning.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but I think your best bet bet is to work on making better choices for yourself.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #10  July 7,2010, 5:25pm
jayhawkgirl's Avatar

is back to square one

Pacesetter

Joined: Oct 2008

Posts: 405

See profile

cs98 wrote :
If you had read the few sentenses before that I wrote that he broke up with me. He told me for months he wanted me to move on to other people and the moment I did he screamed at me about cheating on him when he had left me, and then told me that I needed to be faithful to him from then on.
I read the whole thing. You said he tried to break up with you (before you cheated on him), but that you continued talking, etc. as if nothing had changed, and you also said the reason you hadn't seen him for four months was that he was supposedly too busy. That doesn't sound like you were broken up.

I didn't mean to sound so harsh in my post. I just think you are rationalizing way too much at every turn. This particular issue just bugged me more than the others.

Please read what LittleBlueMonkeyMind has written and take it to heart. Good luck to you.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Love Economics and LDRs | Relationships | I can't stand my Sisters Boyfriend.... »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ ^This is the better plan.. My experience has been that love usually comes along when you least expect it, and when your heart is open enough to let it in. If you try to put a set time table on when ... ” –  TheThinker

Join the “Transition from dating to relationship” discussion

“ As Ingy mentions ...he's good with the lines and multitasking relationships.. All anyone can say is: don't get played again...especially by the same guy twice... Move on to someone who is decisive ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“This varies based on your age, gender, location, settings, and 29 dimensions. My settings are fairly narrow and I've always gotten a steady stream of matches. But, my location seems to have a lot ... ” –  dmi

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“I'm extremely allergic to cats, plus I just don't like 'em. So I won't date someone with cats. Dogs, I love. But I'm attracted to certain types of dogs. A guy with a little yorkie turns me off. ... ” –  ZisaGirl

Join the “What about a "PET BOX" ?? again this sounds simple or??” discussion

“If you get the opportunity, yes.” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“...and since you're Shaun Cassidy fan mitchell...this song is just for you! "Da Doo Ron Ron" I met her on a Monday And my heart stood still Da doo ron ron ron Da doo ron ron Somebody told me That ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 9:36am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0