How do you break up in long distance relationships?


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morningsunlight is offline morningsunlight Post #1  July 2,2010, 6:34am
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I have had multiple long distance relationships. These relationships ended up in long-distance because either I or the other persons moved out.

When any of these were ending, the saddest thing was that I never had a chance to meet in person face-to-face and say good-bye and thanks. The breakups were always either through text or poof, even though I really wanted to meet in person for the last times.

I wonder how other people break up in long-distance relationships and how they put an end to it. Does any of you has had a farewell meeting to say good-bye and thank you in person after having had some breakup talks through email or phone?
Last edited by morningsunlight; July 2,2010 at 6:42am.
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #2  July 2,2010, 6:58am
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no, my two ldr's were done as long-distance breakups. in both cases, we lived on opposite coasts and it would have been a pain in the booty to try to fly cross-country just to break up with them in person. I mean, you'd have to say you were coming, and then that would have led them on to think it was a real visit, only to have me arrive and break up with them upon arrival. the phone seemed kindest, but obviously not ideal.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  July 2,2010, 7:05am
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Usually my long distance relationships have ended in a poof or they simply taper off--- calls become less, e mails become less. Quite frankly I don't see the pattern being any different from the local ones. Few people have the courage to have these conversations face to face.
 
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morningsunlight is offline morningsunlight Post #4  July 3,2010, 7:47am
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Thank you very much for sharing.

I agree that it can be pretty painful for both parties to fly and meet only to say good bye.

I also understand taper off and poofing. It may be a natural course when I think of the process of growing apart in long-distance friendships, for example.

Yet, I still wanted to meet them in person to say good-bye and wish each other good luck..... That's been the saddest thing in any of these relationships. But I guess local guys not trying to meet in person may make me feel even sadder.
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  July 3,2010, 7:52am
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You've never met them face to face? Its not really a break up of a actual relationship?

To me the only thing a "farewell meeting" would do is probably confirm that it was a fantasy relationship to begin with. Its not real till you meet. And when you meet, you might not want it to be real anyway, so dont go getting all sad about it!
 
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morningsunlight is offline morningsunlight Post #6  July 3,2010, 11:32am
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Nanette wrote :
You've never met them face to face? Its not really a break up of a actual relationship?

To me the only thing a "farewell meeting" would do is probably confirm that it was a fantasy relationship to begin with. Its not real till you meet. And when you meet, you might not want it to be real anyway, so dont go getting all sad about it!
I stated in my OP that I ended up in LDRs because either I or the other persons moved out. I have had multiple experiences like that over time because people in my network move a lot.
Last edited by morningsunlight; July 3,2010 at 1:37pm. Reason: Understood after reading Sassafras54 's post
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  July 3,2010, 11:50am
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I think you should just break up when one or the other of you moves. You already know a long-distance relationship isn't going to work, so end it cleanly when you (or he) moves. Then you can have your face-to-face goodbye.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #8  July 3,2010, 11:52am
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I think Nanette missed that you said you did know these people in person. That's why she started with the question "you never met them face to face?" and the rest of her answer is based on assuming that (incorrectly). It's a reasonable answer, if you hadn't met them.

I've had 1 relationship that was serious and in-person for 2 years, then we were separated by circumstances for a few months and it ended over the phone during that time. I did see him a year later in person; was visiting his area for another reason. It was kind of nice to have that last meeting ... but it was a year later, we were over it, no pain/sadness anymore. The phone break-up was fine with me.

I don't really feel the need to hash everything out and have a mutual "closure" when it ends.
 
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morningsunlight is offline morningsunlight Post #9  July 3,2010, 12:25pm
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
I think you should just break up when one or the other of you moves. You already know a long-distance relationship isn't going to work, so end it cleanly when you (or he) moves. Then you can have your face-to-face goodbye.
Love happens naturally and I never regret any of these. Under some circumstances where people move really a lot, avoiding the potential to do long-distance can be unrealistic. I would like to avoid LDR as long as it's avoidable. But it's not that either I or the other persons would live in the same place forever. So far, career choices have always come first and I have not been in my life stage that I'd like to settle down with someone.

Also a relationship not lasting forever is never a failure in my book as long as the time that was shared was meaningful, especially because I deal with LDRs pretty well and most of the times in these LDRs were happy. I would not blame the distances as the single most important reasons for these breakups, either.

The sadness I referred to was the lack of face-to-face good-bye and thanks, not the breakups per se.

That said, I'd try to date a person with less potential for LDR now that I am moving into a life stage where I look for a more long-term commitment. Yet, I could still picture myself in a long-distance relationship for career choices of each other, if it is relatively short-term.
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morningsunlight is offline morningsunlight Post #10  July 3,2010, 12:33pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
I think Nanette missed that you said you did know these people in person. That's why she started with the question "you never met them face to face?" and the rest of her answer is based on assuming that (incorrectly). It's a reasonable answer, if you hadn't met them.

I've had 1 relationship that was serious and in-person for 2 years, then we were separated by circumstances for a few months and it ended over the phone during that time. I did see him a year later in person; was visiting his area for another reason. It was kind of nice to have that last meeting ... but it was a year later, we were over it, no pain/sadness anymore. The phone break-up was fine with me.

I don't really feel the need to hash everything out and have a mutual "closure" when it ends.
It sounds a very nice story. Thank you for sharing.

It's not that I wanted to cry in front of them. Rather, I wanted to thank them and say good-bye in person because we would never see each other again. But perhaps the other persons would have thought differently. In particular, text or poof were very hard to take because it's unidirectional. Skpe Cam or phone would have felt a lot better.
Last edited by morningsunlight; July 3,2010 at 12:37pm.
 
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