Advice Needed - How not to pressure boyfriend about commitment


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
ks240030 is offline ks240030 Post #1  June 18,2010, 5:42am
ks240030's Avatar

is at work.

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2009

Posts: 9

See profile


Hi all,

Thank you for reading my post and any advice will be highly helpful and appreciated.

I have been with my boyfriend for about 1 year. Both of us are 33 years old, have full time jobs, he is finishing law school this year and I am finishing my graduate program early next year.

Recently, I realized that I am really in love with my boyfriend and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He makes me want to be a better person, he is funny and smart. We had a serious talk last week about the relationship and his take is it is too early to talk about it and he believes we need to date for at least 2 years.

I know it shouldn't matter but I going to be 34 years old this year and I want confirmation that he is serious about making a commitment by next year.
I am impatient by nature, and I get very insecure about the relationship when I do not hear what I need to hear. I was hoping that he would say that we would be engaged by next year since we would be done with school.

I need advice of how not to pressure my boyfriend and just live in the moment and be happy with what I have right now. How not to feel insecure that he is going to make a commitment towards me. How to trust my boyfriend that he is not just using me and then discard me.

Thank you.
 
  Reply With Quote
hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #2  June 18,2010, 7:09am

Isn't afraid to tell you what he thinks of you.

Veteran

Joined: Jan 2010

Posts: 1,198

See profile

ks240030 wrote :
Hi all,

Thank you for reading my post and any advice will be highly helpful and appreciated.

I have been with my boyfriend for about 1 year. Both of us are 33 years old, have full time jobs, he is finishing law school this year and I am finishing my graduate program early next year.

Recently, I realized that I am really in love with my boyfriend and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He makes me want to be a better person, he is funny and smart. We had a serious talk last week about the relationship and his take is it is too early to talk about it and he believes we need to date for at least 2 years.

I know it shouldn't matter but I going to be 34 years old this year and I want confirmation that he is serious about making a commitment by next year.
I am impatient by nature, and I get very insecure about the relationship when I do not hear what I need to hear. I was hoping that he would say that we would be engaged by next year since we would be done with school.

I need advice of how not to pressure my boyfriend and just live in the moment and be happy with what I have right now. How not to feel insecure that he is going to make a commitment towards me. How to trust my boyfriend that he is not just using me and then discard me.

Thank you.
Do you think it's possible that he's thinking once he's out of law school and raking in the dough he's thinking of moving on? There's good reason to feel insecure. Two years (meant to coincide when he's done with schooling?) sounds like an awful long time. Maybe you should start looking for someone more promising from a stability standpoint?
 
  Reply With Quote
MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #3  June 18,2010, 7:44am
MelinCali's Avatar

is moving!

Power Poster

Joined: Nov 2008

Earth

Posts: 8,113

See profile

I know of a lot of people who believe you need to spend two years together before you know if you are compatible enough for marriage. Your boyfriend's time line is very common, and I don't think it is some sort of sign the he sees this relationship as temporary. It's a very bad idea to read something into that -- take it exactly as he says.

I don't think there is anything we can say to help you trust him and gain patience. This all has to come from you. What do you see in his actions? Has he given you any other reason to not trust that he is in this relationship for the long haul other than the conversations you've had discussing his need for more time before he is sure of committing.

Quite frankly, your post sounds like you are getting a little desperate about your biological clock ticking. This is not a good approach to marriage. You want to know now whether to invest more into this relationship, but pushing to get that answer might end it. The what? There is no guarantee you will find someone who is compatible with you immediately, so you could be 40 when you find love again, and he might also think that it takes 2 years to really know whether it's right to commit to marriage.

Don't rush this relationship -- if you have found love already, just nurture it. Every relationship can only go as fast as the slowest person in it.

I think it is actually a very good idea for you two to wait given your present situation. You are students right now, but that is about to change. It would be good to see how well your lives fit together once you have both finished school and are working -- that transition from professional/graduate student to career-minded adult can change people a bit (hopefully for the better).
 
  Reply With Quote
Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #4  June 18,2010, 8:36am

blames self-help books

Power Poster

Joined: Oct 2009

STL

Posts: 4,879

See profile

How about instead of the perspective do you see us spending our lives together, which is how I read your discussion going, try do you see any reason why we will not spend the rest of our lives together. Of course change the wording to fit your personality but what I am saying is knowing he doesn't see any reason why he won't commit to you enough to make you happy?

He may be looking at what you are asking as being akin to engagment without the ring where you are just trying to find out does he see that committment in your future. I could be reading you wrong but it seems to me all you want to know is are you guys on the same page.
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  June 18,2010, 10:08am
Sassafras54's Avatar

Your Community Coordinator

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2009

San Pedro, CA

Posts: 9,080

See profile

ks240030 wrote :
--snip

I have been with my boyfriend for about 1 year.

--snip

I want confirmation that he is serious about making a commitment by next year.
By next year you will have been dating for 2 years, right? Which is his criterion. And you are ok with waiting until next year? It seems like you are on the same page. What am I misunderstanding?

I don't think wanting 2 years is unreasonable. It's probably a bit longer than most people hold out for, but it's not a lot longer, and at least he is stating a definite time frame, not just "sometime in the future".

Also, both of you are about to finish school and will be transitioning to new kinds of lives. Not a bad idea to see whether what you both want, in your new lives, meshes.

(BTW one thing you said I really liked was that he makes you want to be a better person. I think that's a huge sign that it's a good relationship. Do you think he feels that way towards you too?)
 
  Reply With Quote
Antalicus is offline Antalicus Post #6  June 18,2010, 10:47am
Antalicus's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: May 2010

Posts: 147

See profile

You need to tell him how you feel and then perhaps that will open a door way for him to tell you how he feels.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  June 18,2010, 11:36am
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

I agree that 2 years is a reasonable amount of time to wait for an engagement. I know you have a biological clock ticking and I'm sympathetic to the time constraints that you have. Still, I think having found what seems to be a good relationship waiting one more year (until you're 34) is a good option.

However, if at that point he's balking at getting married I think you may have a difficult decision to make. While you don't want your biological clock to cause you to make bad decisions.... if you want to have children this is a factor that needs to affect your decisions.
 
  Reply With Quote
jacques102 is offline jacques102 Post #8  June 18,2010, 12:33pm
jacques102's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Apr 2010

Santa Barbara

Posts: 603

See profile

I have read an article around on this board somewhere that two years is a good time to be dating before getting married. I truly believe that to be good advice (from personal experience). Spending two years dating, rather than rushing into a commitment that you end up wasting the next 10 years of your life in, is a very good idea. I think your boyfriend is very smart thinking this.

You should not have anything to worry about. I would not read anything into that if I were you. 1 year more, that is not a long time.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #9  June 18,2010, 2:49pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,681

See profile

There is no possibility of "being used," since you are both getting the same value out of the relationship.

(Though he is vulnerable to "being used" if you care more about marriage than to whom you are married - so I hop he is watchful for that.)

That attitude - that you wouldn't be with him except for the hope of marriage - is a warning sign which a wise, or cautious, man might heed.

I would consider two years to be a minimum duration to ascertain if marriage is possible - and then commence the more serious explorations of compatibility, such as financial goals, priorities, and values.

***

Have you indicated that you want to be married?

Is any discussion taking place about his criteria for getting married?
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  June 18,2010, 2:53pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,681

See profile

Good posts from MelinCali and CanIJustbeJo.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Heart over mind | Relationships | Accept new puppy or get a new girlfriend? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
He called me! Also, advice needed. christianlife Dating 18 September 20,2010 9:37am
Expert Advice Needed StlRock Ask a Dating Expert 14 July 9,2009 5:20pm
Advice Desperately needed oostitch Ask a Dating Expert 26 July 5,2009 2:53pm
Am I being crazy? Advice needed! crazydaisy Dating 4 June 17,2009 7:10pm
Questions about vasectomies and advice needed. christianlife Dating 10 June 15,2009 6:19am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ ^This is the better plan.. My experience has been that love usually comes along when you least expect it, and when your heart is open enough to let it in. If you try to put a set time table on when ... ” –  TheThinker

Join the “Transition from dating to relationship” discussion

“ As Ingy mentions ...he's good with the lines and multitasking relationships.. All anyone can say is: don't get played again...especially by the same guy twice... Move on to someone who is decisive ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“This varies based on your age, gender, location, settings, and 29 dimensions. My settings are fairly narrow and I've always gotten a steady stream of matches. But, my location seems to have a lot ... ” –  dmi

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“I'm extremely allergic to cats, plus I just don't like 'em. So I won't date someone with cats. Dogs, I love. But I'm attracted to certain types of dogs. A guy with a little yorkie turns me off. ... ” –  ZisaGirl

Join the “What about a "PET BOX" ?? again this sounds simple or??” discussion

“If you get the opportunity, yes.” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“...and since you're Shaun Cassidy fan mitchell...this song is just for you! "Da Doo Ron Ron" I met her on a Monday And my heart stood still Da doo ron ron ron Da doo ron ron Somebody told me That ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 9:33am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0