AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  June 3,2010, 9:51pm
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Some people say verbal withdrawal is a sign of problems in a relationship. Do you believe this? Are you one to stop talking when you are upset or feel the relationship is coming to a plateau or fork in the road? Do you do the opposite and try going over whatever subject is at hand until you've beaten the horse into the ground? What do you do when your partner withdraws or stops communicating the way they did before the problem started?
 
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ComeoutVirginia is offline ComeoutVirginia Post #2  June 4,2010, 6:17am
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Well, I've been in a situation a couple of times where I've been open,
undemanding, constructive and caring about a topic with an SO so many times, been told that they understand the issue and are willing
to work on it, and have seen no results, that I am just plain sick of
talking about it. And, since the issue is not resolved or addessed, it
remains stuck in your craw(sp!). How do you not feel resentment
or sad or non-communicative about that issue. If you keep bringing
it up, you are harping or nagging or pestering. I'm not total non-communicative . . . I still discuss other things and converse, but there
is still that underlying "thing" just under the surface.

It's frustrating and starts the "wall syndrome". And what ends up
happening is the other person with whom you've made yourself clear and handled your part of the relationship properly, starts saying it's you who is the problem! Time to move on and did.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #3  June 4,2010, 6:26am
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I think if a couple completely stops talking that is a sign of a problem. I think on the other hand it is normal for a couple to talk less as they get to know each other more. One eventually runs out of stories to tell and things to share and at that point there is naturally less communication and more action together.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  June 4,2010, 6:44am
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In my case, my first reactions is to communicate. Withdrawal happens after communication and attempts to arrive at a solution have failed. There is definitely a point at which I'll need to step back and re-evaluate the relationship and my desire to continue with it. While in some cases I'll come out of that with fresh ideas on how to resolve the issues, more often than not it's a prelude to break up.
 
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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #5  June 4,2010, 7:09am

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I don't want to talk about it!
 
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Daphnie is offline Daphnie Post #6  June 4,2010, 7:12am
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Yes, when I am upset, I stop talking. But I am not withdrawing, at least that is not my intention. I do not like to talk when I am emotionally charged because I do not want to say anything that I may regret afterwards. Also, I want to come up with solutions instead of only whining about what is bothering me. All these processes take time.

When I am ready to talk about the issue, I want to be very clear on the following elements:
  • How I feel about the problem,
  • Why I feel this way,
  • What I suggest my BF and I do to solve the problem,
  • How can we prevent it from re-occuring,
  • If this problem will happen again, what he and/or I can do to make it less upsetting.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #7  June 4,2010, 8:11am

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Cape_Codder wrote :
I don't want to talk about it!
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #8  June 4,2010, 8:35pm

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I think Daphne has a very adult take on the difference between withdrawing and not talking as opposed to taking a verbal time out while the potential for angry words calms down.

I've found it best to not flog the issue trying to get my own way (my ex did this-sometimes I felt like a butterfly pinned to a board) but instead to agree to disagree, take a walk or just go in another room while both parties calm down.

This especially holds true in parental relationships! Trying to hammer a point home to a teen is a frustration that isn't worth the time or agony.

Continually venting to attempt and make the other person accept your opinion as the only valid one isn't going to amount to anything but anger and psychological pain. Even if the other person finally agrees, it's most likely to only be to quit being hammered on! Whats the point in that?

Taking time to let both people calm down, maybe see each others point - thats the adult way to work differences out-IMO.

Communication, negotiation, listening to each other without raising voices-even setting ground rules about how future disagreements are to be handled is the mature way to deal with differences of opinion.
 
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sgtm7 is offline sgtm7 Post #9  June 6,2010, 12:53am
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I don't stop talking when upset. I don't really "need" to be talking all the time, but if I have a partner that needs to talk all the time, and she becomes withdrawn, I will try to talk about it so that we can attempt to resolve whatever is bothering her.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #10  June 6,2010, 2:19am
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If I'm going to verbally withdraw from any relationship, I announce it first. I just say I feel there is no point continuing to discuss the matter because we are only making circles. At this point, I'm usually exhausted from the communication (which I find difficult) and a need a breather. The break doesn't usually last longer than one week and I think there has only been one occasion where we weren't able to resolve the issue and agreed to let it go.

I tend to pick apart the issue in my head for ages. I have whole conversations in which I also play the part of the other person. (Weird, I know - I even dream like this too!) In real life, the person never says at all what I thought up for them to say; I gradually learned it would be better to spend less time in my head and more time with the other person. Not quite there yet!

I am quite talkative and go quiet when I am tired, bored or feel very sick.
 
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