Can't get over being lied to. Need advice :)


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abby2391 is offline abby2391 Post #1  May 12,2010, 8:35pm
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My boyfriend and I live together; we have been together for 7 months. My two younger kids live with us, his 2 older kids visit often. They get along together very well. Everything was going well and as soon as we moved in together he became very jealous. Texting all the time, wanting to know where and what I’m doing all the time. I could tell he has been checking my phone. I have nothing to hide. Well it blew up last week. I told him I was wondering why he was so obsessed with my phone, I just didn’t understand. He immediately got angry and said he knew I was cheating on him. He said he talked to my friends wife and he knew inappropriate things were going on. I got upset; it was not even close to true. Later that day he told about 10 more lies trying to make me believe this lie of his. A few days later, he admitted to lying and was sorry. He wants me to trust him. Needless to say, I have never been lied to so blatantly before in a relationship and I no longer want to marry this man. I have committed to stay the summer to try and see if it will work out. I can’t bear to move my kids again. He is really clingy and I am annoyed. And advice is much appreciated and feel free to ask me questions. Thank you!
Last edited by abby2391; May 12,2010 at 8:39pm.
 
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Tyym is offline Tyym Post #2  May 12,2010, 10:39pm
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abby2391 wrote :
My boyfriend and I live together; we have been together for 7 months. My two younger kids live with us, his 2 older kids visit often. They get along together very well. Everything was going well and as soon as we moved in together he became very jealous. Texting all the time, wanting to know where and what I’m doing all the time. I could tell he has been checking my phone. I have nothing to hide. Well it blew up last week. I told him I was wondering why he was so obsessed with my phone, I just didn’t understand. He immediately got angry and said he knew I was cheating on him. He said he talked to my friends wife and he knew inappropriate things were going on. I got upset; it was not even close to true. Later that day he told about 10 more lies trying to make me believe this lie of his. A few days later, he admitted to lying and was sorry. He wants me to trust him. Needless to say, I have never been lied to so blatantly before in a relationship and I no longer want to marry this man. I have committed to stay the summer to try and see if it will work out. I can’t bear to move my kids again. He is really clingy and I am annoyed. And advice is much appreciated and feel free to ask me questions. Thank you!
Hi Abby...

I can't say that I will offer you a bunch of advice or tell you what to do in this situation since I don't know you or your partner. That said however, you have made some very strong and significant statements that I think maybe you should question yourself about.

At the top of the list is this "I have never been lied to so blatantly before in a relationship and I no longer want to marry this man". If you feel this way, why on earth would you want to move forward with him. This is a very strong and telling statement. Maybe you should ask yourself if you are putting off the inevitable. You mention that you don't want to put your kids through more disruption, but consider the alternative. If you stay, you risk allowing them to get more attached to this man and more... if your relationship continues to erode, they may witness some negative influences from your significant others jealous behaviour.

I always ask myself tough questions when I'm in a relationship... why is this person jealous... have I given them a reason, what are they really reacting to and so on. The behaviour you describe is pretty extreme and would have me asking a ton of questions at the very least. If I felt so compelled to say that I could no longer marry them as a result... I and I truly meant what I said, that would be it!

Behaviour, such as you describe would seem to indicate significant trust issues... I would really wonder what causes those issues. If they are the result of unreconciled events of the past, they are almost certain to manifest again... not only would you be subject to this behaviour, but your children will be witness to it as well.

I hope this helps.
Tim
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  May 13,2010, 3:49am
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Its not an issue that is going to work itself out, by itself. In fact, it will probably escalate.

I would remove myself from the situation, especially since you have kids. 7 months isnt very long to have waited to expose someone to your kids. I also wouldnt believe that you want to model this behavior in a relationship to your kids. Get out now.
 
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abby2391 is offline abby2391 Post #4  May 13,2010, 5:35am
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@ Tim – I hear what you are saying and you are right, I know this. Part of the staying for the summer is lack of money to move, I will have plenty in about 2 months. I guess I’m trying to make the best of this bad situation and hope it does not do too much harm to my kids. Thank you for point of view.
@Nanette – You are right. I introduced them early on and moved in too quickly. Damnit.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #5  May 13,2010, 9:46am
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I'm confused- what did he lie about?

Incorrectly thinking you're cheating is not a lie. It's odd, but pretty common... the oddest thing here is that the sexes are reversed, since it's usually the woman assuming the man is cheating.

Was this guy a major victim of cheating in the past? Or was there anything innocent he could misinterpret as a clue of cheating?

I'm just wondering if he's totally nuts or just overly suspicious.
 
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DrTonto is offline DrTonto Post #6  May 13,2010, 10:20am

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I believe that he came into the relationship with his own set of issues, one of which is insecurity and being untruthful when he gets stressed out. But why should he think that you're cheating? Did your friends husband trigger one of his insecurities? If you are going to spend two months with him as a member of your family, there is a fast way to bottom line him and any possible solutions short or long term.

Call his ex-wife and invite her out to lunch as friends since the two of you do share the well being of her children and the well being of your children and yourself as well. Keep buying the drinks and she will spill the beans on everything
good, bad and indifferent about her and her hubby.
Then you will be in a better position to decide, if you might want to do couples counseling or just dump him asap?

How else will you be able to gain a complete picture of him and what went wrong? Also what else is going on that your not aware of? Maybe his ex made him real nuts and he needs some therapy?
 
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superbeetle is offline superbeetle Post #7  May 13,2010, 2:33pm
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Sometimes you can't get over something because you shouldn't get over it. In your case it sounds like all the warning bells are going off very loudly. Listen to your gut.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #8  May 13,2010, 2:42pm
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I wouldn't live under that control, insecurity, or aggressiveness.

I agree with Nanette that it will likely only escalate even further on top of that.
 
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abby2391 is offline abby2391 Post #9  May 13,2010, 8:26pm
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@ mrflyer: The “big” lie was: He said he had talked to my friend’s wife and that he knew inappropriate things were going on, and then later that day he made up more lies to try and cover the main lie. He never talked to my friend’s wife; they do not even know each other. He has been cheated on before. His story is his wife cheated and an ex girlfriend became pregnant with someone else. I have never cheated and have not done anything to give him suspicions.
@ DrTonto: He definitely has issues with jealously. Also, telling the truth. This big lie was the kicker for me; there have been smaller lies mainly about him snooping through my phone. My friend did not trigger anything. We do not hang out, it is strictly work related. The Ex-wife does not drink, I wish she did! We have met and have a nice relationship. Good idea though!! He is going to a counselor, which I think is a good idea! I am at a loss at what went wrong. I am not perfect, but I am honest and have never been unfaithful in a relationship.
@superbeetle & bigfincat: Thank you!
PS – I’m not sure if I’m supposed to respond to everyone…. But this is really helpful to get other perspectives. Thanks all!! Please keep it coming.
 
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skitermon is offline skitermon Post #10  May 13,2010, 9:34pm
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abby2391 wrote :
My boyfriend and I live together; we have been together for 7 months. My two younger kids live with us, his 2 older kids visit often. They get along together very well. Everything was going well and as soon as we moved in together he became very jealous. Texting all the time, wanting to know where and what I’m doing all the time. I could tell he has been checking my phone. I have nothing to hide. Well it blew up last week. I told him I was wondering why he was so obsessed with my phone, I just didn’t understand. He immediately got angry and said he knew I was cheating on him. He said he talked to my friends wife and he knew inappropriate things were going on. I got upset; it was not even close to true. Later that day he told about 10 more lies trying to make me believe this lie of his. A few days later, he admitted to lying and was sorry. He wants me to trust him. Needless to say, I have never been lied to so blatantly before in a relationship and I no longer want to marry this man. I have committed to stay the summer to try and see if it will work out. I can’t bear to move my kids again. He is really clingy and I am annoyed. And advice is much appreciated and feel free to ask me questions. Thank you!
Without trust there is no relationship. PERIOD!

You didn't say if you have boys, girls, or a boy and a girl, but I can tell you they are impressionable and they will learn that this type of relationship is OK (one without trust that is).

This is bad enough for a little boy to learn that it is ok to treat a woman this way, but even worse for a little girl to learn that it is ok to be treated this way. These will be the types of relationships they will have unless they are taught it is wrong.

Get out as soon as you can for everyones sake. You all deserve better.
 
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