Devoting too much to the relationship


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toonice26 is offline toonice26 Post #1  May 12,2010, 6:51pm
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After my recent break-up I have been doing what many girls do and analyzing every thing. I have also been smart this time and have started reading some articles and books to help me figure out what mistakes I keep making since I keep hearing the same thing, you are so nice, the best girlfriend I have ever had... but....

Through reading all of these things I am finding that probably my biggest mistake is when I get in a relationship and start to fall head over heels, I tend to devote too much of myself and my time to the relationship. He wants to see me on the weeknights? I'll be there. He wants to do things all weekend? I'll be there. When other commitments come up such as work or friends, I will do them, but I don't actively pursue a social life or hobbies outside of my relationship because I love spending time with my significant other, so when we have the free time we tend to spend it together. I am now seeing how that is a problem... I tend to mess up my priorities and lose focus of myself. Granted I love doing what we are doing when we are together, but I forget to devote any real quality time to myself. Now this relationship I thought I was smart and would give him the occasional night off or weekend night off, but I wouldn't actually go do anything myself, I would be just focusing on doing it for him so he could have some free time. That was mistake number 2.

So being an emotional lovesick girl, I have been beating myself up over making such a simple mistake that could have easily been prevented. When we had a talk shortly after our break-up to discuss some things, I brought up that I realized I had done this and his response was that he never brought anything like that up because he didn't want to change me because I shouldn't have to change for a guy. This seemed like a stupid thing to say because that isn't something about my personality, but more a bad habit I have picked up over the years where I tend to put others and a relationship before myself. So as I am feeling bad about this whole situation that seemed to be so preventable if only I had realized it before, a question occurred to me.

Aren't the guys participating in this as well? When the couple spends too much time together, it is obviously the COUPLE spending time together, not just the girl spending time with the guy. So all of these books and articles are telling me that I have to be careful not to devote too much of myself or my time to the relationship, but isn't the guy just as much at fault? I mean in my case, he was the one asking me every day, will I get to see you today? If I had to miss a couple of days in a row due to other commitments, his response would be something like well at least I get you all weekend. So am I wrong in thinking that while I shouldn't have devoted too much to the relationship, he was also devoting too much to the relationship? Why don't these books/articles talk about the guys devoting too much to the relationship? Why aren't they speaking up if it is the girl that is initiating all of the time and they need more free time? I have a hard time buying the "you shouldn't have to change for me" act. What's really the deal here? Any thoughts would be appreciated!
 
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suzyque is online now suzyque Post #2  May 12,2010, 7:24pm
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I'm sorry for your breakup. That's a tough deal. Did he tell you what his reasons for breaking up with you were? I mean if he wanted to see you all the time and asked you when he could see you next, that is wierd that he would have an issue with you for complying with his wishes. Your right, it seems he devoted just as much time as you did. I guess I would try to pin down why he ended it - if he really did feel stifled or if it was something different. If only to help you with your next relationship.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #3  May 12,2010, 7:53pm
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Do you know that you know what caused the breakup. In your analysis you seem to be blaming yourself, but as you pointed out, it takes two to tango. Why did he think it ended?
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  May 12,2010, 8:31pm
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Interesting topic. I'm sorry he broke it off.

I can be the same way. I will give my entire focus to my partner, when I'm with him. That doesn't mean I don't have a life outside of that relationship. But, typically, my partner will not see this, they only see my focus on them when I am with them, so they assume that is what I am doing all the time.

Personally, I find the guys who have the biggest issues with this focus are the ones who seemed to be so focused on me in the beginning. It's like they are a bunch of hypocrites.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  May 13,2010, 6:10am
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The advice that you are reading applies equally to both men and women.

I think the point that you are missing is that when you become so compliant, you lose who you are. You lose what attracted him to you in the first place.

A recent example for me is a guy I was dating and this is the identical situation except that the guy was doing what you were doing and I ended up dumping him.

When we first met, he seemed very charismatic, outgoing and a strong person. I was very attracted to that and so we started dating. As soon as things started to move forward, he suddenly turned into jello. The charisma was replaced with a nervous yes man who is always available, who can never have enough of my time. Sure I participated to a degree in that, but...... He was no longer an interesting, charismatic individual, with his own views and opinions, he was no longer bringing or adding anything to the relationship. It felt more like he became this gray blob or a shadow following me around. The relationship became tedious and empty from my perspective and I lost all respect for him. Sure, I had fun when we did stuff together, but on an emotional and intellectual level, that connection was gone and the fun was surface. I can easily have the same fun with a random acquaintance.

The point that I'm trying to get across is that this goes deeper than just being available all the time. It's about not losing yourself and who you are as a person. When you get so focused on just pleasing him, you do lose your own colors even if you don't quite realize that and that is what causes the problem.

To look at it another way, when you take the time to go out with your friends, to pursue your hobbies and interests and you see him only after you've done these things, you come back fresh and full of energy and new thoughts and events and experiences that you want to share with him. When all your time is spent with him, you lose that spark and things become stale. He has to carry the whole weight of keeping life interesting and at some point it just gets old.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #6  May 13,2010, 10:12am
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In my experience, it's usually the woman who wants to spend all the spare time together and the man who can never take time for himself or to see friends or the like. I've lost count of how many male friends I've lost to relationships, when they were no longer allowed to do anything without their partner.

Usually when I hear a complaint about not getting enough personal time, it's from a man, while more women complain about not getting enough time together.

I use the eharmony canned question about how much time you need with your partner, and most women respond with "I feel my time at work is enough alone time and I need to spend the rest of my time with my partner"

I personally think spending all your spare time with your partner is unhealthy.

The obvious solution seems to be to discuss this when the relationship starts.
 
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DrTonto is offline DrTonto Post #7  May 13,2010, 11:00am

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It's really a matter of reordering your priorities which should be fulfilling your own needs first and then taking care of the things on your list. (Things to do.) There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved and cared for but first, be your own best friend and remember that you are an equal partner with a life and friends of your own. You choose to share time with a boyfriend just as he chooses to share his time with you, but it is should be an equal partnership! Don't lose focus of yourself.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  May 13,2010, 11:14am
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mrflyer wrote :
In my experience, it's usually the woman who wants to spend all the spare time together and the man who can never take time for himself or to see friends or the like. I've lost count of how many male friends I've lost to relationships, when they were no longer allowed to do anything without their partner.

Usually when I hear a complaint about not getting enough personal time, it's from a man, while more women complain about not getting enough time together.

I use the eharmony canned question about how much time you need with your partner, and most women respond with "I feel my time at work is enough alone time and I need to spend the rest of my time with my partner"

I personally think spending all your spare time with your partner is unhealthy.

The obvious solution seems to be to discuss this when the relationship starts.
I agree with you that someone who needs to spend all their spare time with their partner is a turn off. But, I also ask this question and receive the same response you do on a regular basis. There are just as many men who exhibit this clingy behavior as there are women.

you observation that more men become lost when in a relationship is because you are a man yourself. You probably have more male friends than female and so mainly see that side of things.

I too see some female friends losing themselves in a relationship and are never heard from again.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  May 13,2010, 11:41am
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I've used that question too and I've gotten answers all over the spectrum (from men). I think this is one of those personality things that 2 people in a relationship need to either match on, or be ok with having some conflict about it.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #10  May 13,2010, 12:02pm
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AndieIsMe wrote :
you observation that more men become lost when in a relationship is because you are a man yourself. You probably have more male friends than female and so mainly see that side of things.
Maybe, but I do have female friends who are in relationships and don't remember any women ever complaining about men wanting to spend too much time together, while it's common to hear men with that complaint.
 
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