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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #1  May 5,2010, 11:57am
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Would like your thoughts please.

I wrote about my relationship before. I am 43, my bf is 49. We've been dating for 1.5 years.

I love my bf and know this man is very special...but sometimes he gets me down. I'll explain...

My bf is almost always emotionally centered BUT he regularly (once a week) gets very, very irritated at something small. And/or sometimes he is really critical of me after I work hard to make things nice for us. As a result, sometimes I have gotten very angry with him, even though I know getting angry is probably the worst thing. I don't enjoy getting angry...I'd rather not...but sometimes he makes things so stressful and hard I snap.

For example: One time we were going to a rooftop party in a beautiful neighborhood...a fun event on a beautiful day (a reason to be happy, no?). We were looking for the house and where to park (normal, right?). He gets irritated "this party is not on a rooftop"!!! (not knowing anything about it) "WHERE is it"? I calmly explain: "Honey...I've never been there...I don't know...we just have to find it...I can't tell you where to park exactly because I don't know where it is. Let's just look for parking".

Another example:

Last weekend I found a garden show online that I wanted to go to. I was very excited to go as it seemed (and it was) a really special event. As I was on the website trying to gather information...he kept bugging me...in a stern voice "WHERE is it"? I kept saying "I don't know, I am trying to find out". But he wouldn't stop...he kept asking "where is it"? He did this several times while I was searching for an address and directions. I got so tired of it I turned to him and said firmly "You have to stop NOW! I am looking for the address now. Just STOP!!!", "you are making something easy very stressful, STOP". I was very angry...I can only take so much. He finally stopped when I held my ground. We went to the event and had a good time but, of course, after an event like that, things were shaky for awhile.

Onetime I got dolled up for a date with him. I put on a summer type dress and long earrings. I wanted to celebrate, make our time together special and on the way to the restaurant, he got into a complaining mood. My mood went flat and I took off my earrings and put them away. It was symbolic of how I feel. Why should I wear something special when the mood has dropped?

When my bf is grounded and happy...he is very lovable and wonderful but when he gets in his moods...it ruins everything. It takes all the joy and good feeling out from us. And often it's over something not worth getting upset about.

Life is hard sometimes...and sometimes we have a right to be upset but when you make everyday things stressful for no good reason...it's awful. It takes everything positive and good and makes it negative.

The other thing I have a hard time with is his criticism of my cooking or home after I work so hard to have him over. He doesn't clean AT ALL when I come over to his house AND I do his dishes...YET when he comes to my house, he sometimes is picky about what he eats even though I vacuum, clean the bathroom, make things romantic when he comes over.

I have told him how unfair this is. How he doesn't do anything special for me when I come over and I work very very hard when he comes over. I also tell him how I never complain about his extremely grungy (and disgusting) house but he complains about mine, when I make more of an effort. He has stopped this since I spoke up.

I've become aware I need more affirmation from him...like "Honey you look so nice" or "thank you for preparing this meal, it tastes good".

I am not sure my my motivation in posting this. I don't want to break up... I love this man and don't take breaking up lightly. I've learned to value love relationships and to work with them, not let them go at the first sign of conflict. It think working thru things can make us better people and the relationship stronger. It's not easy to find a good man...but I am wondering if I can overcome these aspects of his personality and be happy. I am wondering if a man can change, if he wants to.

I asked him onetime if he had problems with other gf's regarding the issues of criticism, pickiness or negative moods. I was totally shocked when he said "no" he has never had this issue even having lots of women in his life. Me, I've had lots of bf's and never had I had a picky one or one who got into bad moods. It was hard for me to believe this issue never came up...because I've never experienced this before in my life.

To his defense...he is often in pain, due to some health issues, that cause him to feel irritated or upset.

If I stay with him...the only thing I can think of doing is tuning him out when he gets this way and not allowing him to ruin my mood. To just stop talking to him and withdraw my attention/affection when he is sharp to not reward him for his behavior.

Please share any thoughts if you want.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #2  May 5,2010, 12:03pm

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He is set in his ways regarding his habit (cooking, cleaning, etc).

but I'd say regarding the parking, you might be stressed out too easily too...I know that getting lost is one of my pet peeves and at the very least when I have problems finding address, I need to vent a little bit.
 
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Rainfallgirl is offline Rainfallgirl Post #3  May 5,2010, 12:22pm
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This sounds potentially like narcism on his part. I especially don't like his criticism of you after your going to trouble to make things nice for him. If you are putting up with someone with health issues who criticizes you and ruins things for you that is not a healthy relationship. It is wearing you down and you don't need to put up with this. You are still young and have time to find someone better.

The situation has gotten to the point where it is clearly bothering you otherwise you wouldn't have posted here.

It is much nicer to have a considerate thoughtful partner who appreciates you.

I would recommend:
a. seeing a therapist together
b. consider trading him in on a more thoughtful model of man
c. reading about narcissistic personality disorder
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #4  May 5,2010, 12:23pm
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It is hard, dealing with a partner's moods, especially when they drag yours down.

A few questions that come to mind:

Is this pretty much his worst feature? No one's going to be perfect ... if this is as bad as he gets, is that liveable for you?

You kind of threw off the "he has a lot of physical pain" at the end there ... that could be a significant part of him having a short fuse. Does he do as much as he could be doing with pain management?

I'm not sure going quiet or withdrawing when he's like this, without telling him that's why you're doing it, is a good idea ... he might not recognize the connection between the 2 and just think you're being moody. But if you tell him (sometime when he's not in this mood) that you're going to do this experiment in the hope it makes things better? Could work.

He did respond about the housecleaning complaints, right? So he does hear you. Could you bring this up with him when he's not anxious, tired, stressed, in pain?

If all fails, you might just have to accept this aspect of him. He might change, people can and do ... but he might not. Your challenge would be to not let it ruin your day or your experience or your mood, right?
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #5  May 5,2010, 12:29pm
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I appreciate your thoughts.

He does show appreciation but not in his words (at least not often). He takes me out quite often...even on trips. He's very attracted to me and shows it. He wants to make healthy meals that agree with me. He is a companion for many things I like to do, he is willing to socialize with my friends.

I am not sure if he is narcissist...I've met those types of people. My bf is actually very mature and diplomatic...just gets into bad moods and is not aware how he comes across.

I hate to admit it...but sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier with a more cheerful man, a more active man (my bf does not exercise and I've always been with active men who like to bike, do yoga or whatever), a man who likes to travel more, a more romantic man and a man who doesn't watch tv every single night.

Oh, and less picky. No garlic, no onions...no broccoli, no garbanzo beans, and things need to be cooked just right. It's hard.

I might suggest a pre marital therapist with him.

Rainfallgirl wrote :
This sounds potentially like narcism on his part. I especially don't like his criticism of you after your going to trouble to make things nice for him. If you are putting up with someone with health issues who criticizes you and ruins things for you that is not a healthy relationship. It is wearing you down and you don't need to put up with this. You are still young and have time to find someone better.

The situation has gotten to the point where it is clearly bothering you otherwise you wouldn't have posted here.

It is much nicer to have a considerate thoughtful partner who appreciates you.

I would recommend:
a. seeing a therapist together
b. consider trading him in on a more thoughtful model of man
c. reading about narcissistic personality disorder
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #6  May 5,2010, 12:35pm
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Yes it is his worst feature out of many good features.

The good are he is generous. He is mature. He is trustworthy. He is good with money and earns money. He is responsible and very very smart. Others love socializing with him. He is vegetarian (which is a big plus...more veg women than men). He eats healthy and well.

I don't know if it will be liveable for me. I don't know.

I have a very stressful life right now (dealing with fraud with TWO individuals and organizations) but I working to keep the negative feelings in check...and try to focus on the now and still enjoy life.

Yes, he is in pain. He has a weird thing on his skin no doctor knows what to do with. It causes constant pain. I feel for him I do.

As for the withdrawing I decided to do this when I realized no matter what I said to placate him, he didn't change his mood. I would try to placate him with stuff like "we'll find parking" or "it's not a problem" or whatever...and he didn't stop. That is when I realized I will simply not engage with him when he is not being amenable to positive suggestions. So I decided to just be quiet while he is in a mood. It's better. No more working to change him...no more stress. Just let time calm him down. Why should I have to do all the work anyways?

Thanks for your thoughts.


Sassafras54 wrote :
It is hard, dealing with a partner's moods, especially when they drag yours down.

A few questions that come to mind:

Is this pretty much his worst feature? No one's going to be perfect ... if this is as bad as he gets, is that liveable for you?

You kind of threw off the "he has a lot of physical pain" at the end there ... that could be a significant part of him having a short fuse. Does he do as much as he could be doing with pain management?

I'm not sure going quiet or withdrawing when he's like this, without telling him that's why you're doing it, is a good idea ... he might not recognize the connection between the 2 and just think you're being moody. But if you tell him (sometime when he's not in this mood) that you're going to do this experiment in the hope it makes things better? Could work.

He did respond about the housecleaning complaints, right? So he does hear you. Could you bring this up with him when he's not anxious, tired, stressed, in pain?

If all fails, you might just have to accept this aspect of him. He might change, people can and do ... but he might not. Your challenge would be to not let it ruin your day or your experience or your mood, right?
 
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newbie40something is offline newbie40something Post #7  May 5,2010, 1:12pm
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This sounds very familiar to me. And, I absolutely don't believe that you are the only woman he is "moody" with.

My ex was very "moody" too. He would just blow up or become irritable at the stupidest things. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time. My kids did too.

I can't tell you how many occassions or events, etc that he ruined because I felt so deflated after one of his "moods."

It sounds like it is really wearing on you.

In my opinion, he needs to address this and make some changes.

I wish you luck!! Take Care.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #8  May 5,2010, 1:48pm
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Why do I have the feeling we're not hearing the whole story and that she is describing him in the worst terms possible?

When looking for the party, I can understand his frustration at not being able to find parking. It's easy to criticize in that situation when someone else is driving. It doesn't matter how fun the party may be if you haven't found it yet.

Some of this is her responsibility- why is she doing the dishes at his place? If I cooked for a date (who didn't live with me) I wouldn't expect her to do any of the cleanup. If she started washing dishes I would say don't bother- I'll get them later. You can't really complain about things you choose to do.

If she's looking for someone who never gets upset, frustrated, or in a bad mood, she might as well be looking for a flying unicorn.
Last edited by mrflyer; May 5,2010 at 1:52pm.
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #9  May 5,2010, 2:03pm
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Just to stand up for myself here and make myself clearer:

Did I not say he has a lot of wonderful qualities? I listed some of them. I'll list them again to make certain: he is very smart, talented, hard working, honest, diplomatic, others love to socialize with him, generous (takes me out), solid. He can also be funny and I love conversing and sharing with him about most things. He almost always has something to offer.

If he didn't have any good qualities...then I wouldn't have posted this and leaving him would be a no brainer.

I mentioned about life is stressful and it's normal to be effected by stress. I wrote how I am stressed out these days. I am tolerant of this...totally. The difference is the degree and how much and in reaction to what things.

My bf gets really, really, really irritated over things that are a) normal parts of everyday life and b)temporary and non consequential.

To get so upset and tense over everyday things makes life so much harder than it has to be. I was in a "up" mood before the party and he squelched it...temporarily.

Finding a parking spot for a fun, positive party is part of life. He made such a big deal out of something that is so normal and little discomfort.

As for the dishes...I do them because I want to be helpful. It's a way to show I care. I don't mind doing them. I just don't think he should criticize me in my house when I help him at his house and he never lifts a finger for anything at my house.

I really think you got the wrong impression from my post.

mrflyer wrote :
Why do I have the feeling we're not hearing the whole story and that she is describing him in the worst terms possible?

When looking for the party, I can understand his frustration at not being able to find parking. It's easy to criticize in that situation when someone else is driving. It doesn't matter how fun the party may be if you haven't found it yet.

Some of this is her responsibility- why is she doing the dishes at his place? If I cooked for a date (who didn't live with me) I wouldn't expect her to do any of the cleanup. If she started washing dishes I would say don't bother- I'll get them later. You can't really complain about things you choose to do.

If she's looking for someone who never gets upset, frustrated, or in a bad mood, she might as well be looking for a flying unicorn.
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #10  May 5,2010, 2:04pm
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Yes. It has effected my desire for him...my wanting to sleep with him and be affectionate.

Not all the time but enough.

Sad.

newbie40something wrote :
It sounds like it is really wearing on you.

.
 
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