Sabrina31 is offline Sabrina31 Post #1  May 5,2010, 6:15am
Sabrina31's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 15

See profile

My ex and I broke up in January after we realised that my family would not accept our relationship. The situation had reached breaking point and we felt we had no choice but to break it off. The problem was that we were still very much in love and it was heartbreaking for both of us. It was a life changing relationship and our breakup hit him particularly hard.

About a month after that, he got in touch with me and we started seeing each other again. The situation hadnt changed but we couldnt stay apart. This continued for a month and we went on holiday (separately) to try and draw a line under our 'relationship'. While we were away, we texted and spoke and saw each other again when we returned. One day he told me that he had made plans to see someone he had met online (only 3 days after we broke up!) for a date but that he would cancel and tell her it wasnt a good idea and he would meet me later. He acted as if he had met her a few times and it was totally casual. But later that day he said he couldnt see me.

He said that after he had returned from holiday, he had moved in with her because he had been desperate to move out of his flat and since he lost his job he couldnt afford the rent.He said he wasnt attracted to her and had no feelings for her but he saw an 'opportunity' to make his life easier and it made sense given his dire financial circumstances. He was also having lots of health problems and was in and out of hospital so was in no state to move out.She knows that he loves me and they constantly fight about me but somehow she still lets him stay with her.He is entirely dependant on her because without her he would be homeless so he keeps up this pretence that he is interested in a relationship with her.

After I found out about her, I was really upset but then he contacted me telling me how much he loved me. I know I shouldnt have fallen for it but I did and we saw each other again. The day after, he went quiet on me and I heard nothing. I knew he was having surgery so I went to the hospital and spent the night sleeping by his bed so he wouldnt be alone when he woke up. I don't know why I did, I just felt compelled to be there.When he came round, he told me that he needed to concentrate on recovering from his surgery, getting a job as he is in a financial hole and moving into his own place.He said he couldnt jeopardise his arrangement with this girl until he had sorted his life out. He knows that it is wrong but kept saying he had no choice.He doesnt want me to wait for him although he didnt rule out coming back into my life at some point.As for this girl, his main concern was that she didnt find out I visited him in case she throws him out. Part of me wants to tell her that he is using her and all the derogatory comments he has made about her, one being that he cringes everytime they sleep together because he doesnt fancy her at all.He actually said he felt like a male prostitute. But its not my place and I think it would really hurt her.

My problem is that I just want to get him out of my head and heart. He has no job, no home, is dependant on a girl he is using and lying to and has lied to me too. He also has a child he doesnt support or see which makes him even more of a deadbeat loser. Why do I still love him and how can I let him go? Everytime I do, he keeps coming back and all those old feelings flood back but for my own sanity, I cannot let that happen again. Please help.
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  May 5,2010, 10:23am
Sassafras54's Avatar

Your Community Coordinator

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2009

San Pedro, CA

Posts: 9,080

See profile

Wow. No wonder you want out.

I think the best way to let him go is to cut off contact. No text, email, phone, or in-person. He can't "keep coming back" if you don't let him.

Also, make a list of all the reasons why you want to put him in the past, and tape it up somewhere you'll see it all the time ... keep reminding yourself.

Can you talk to friends and/or family about all this? Ask them to help you make the break? Get support.

Good luck! and take care of yourself.
 
  Reply With Quote
trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #3  May 5,2010, 10:31am

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2009

London

Posts: 4,703

See profile

Sabrina. He is a wrong 'un as we say in the east end, but you know that. You can't make yourself fall out of love I'm afraid you're going to have weather this storm.

To expell my ex from my heart, who was also a wrong 'un, I told myself everyday that he didn't love me anymore. Tell yourself that this known liar is now lying to you. He loves this new girl really, he perfectly enjoys having sex with her, they laugh about your continued tender feelings for him, she dotes on him and he adores her for caring, he wishes you would leave him alone. (I'm sorry, it's brutal, I know).

Repeat it like a mantra to yourself. Then I wish you massive amounts of luck in moving on, finding someone nice and switching the whole thing round.
 
  Reply With Quote
littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #4  May 5,2010, 6:08pm
littlebluemon…'s Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Jul 2008

Posts: 13,649

See profile

Let him go. Any man who would actually live that arrangment is not a man you want in your life.

Although I suspect the truth is closer to Trixie's mantra. He's perfectly happy there but he likes to keep you around for the drama and the increased heart rate.

And, as Sass advised, break all contact with him. Make it clear that you do not want to hear from him again. When he does get in touch (and he will) delete all texts, emails, and voicemails without even reading/listening.

I know you love him and I'm sorry for the pain it's caused you, but it doesn't sound like a situation that will have a good end for you.
 
  Reply With Quote
Ahava1979 is offline Ahava1979 Post #5  May 5,2010, 7:39pm
Ahava1979's Avatar

is at home.

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2009

Posts: 41

See profile

I would say let him go. I know it's hard because I had to do the samething in December. I really cared for him, and felt he cared for me. Matter of fact I knew he did, but I was not willing to take care of him, I was not willing to settle, and I was not willing to be his rescuer. He knew that but was like, but she will take care of me, she has low self esteem because she knew about me but adopted this attitude that she didn't care what we did together even sex because at the end of the day she knew he was coming home to her because he needed her, and she held the cards. It's mike before I knew who she was I would see her because she knew who I was, and she would give me this look like "oh yeah, you are temporary". I love myself some me and I am not able to operate in low self esteem to be like her or put up with that so I didn't. I miss him like crazy, and I am sure you can relate, but I am going to wrap this up with 3 sayings I try to live by.

1) Quit wanting what you don't want.

You don't want things the way that they are between you two, your family don't want ya'll to be together, and if you are not willing to settle and operate in low self esteem then you will never be able to compete with her.

2) Sometimes my worst enemy is my "inner me".

There is nothing you can do to change this situation, and you are kidding yourself if you are trying to convince yourself that you can, then you have to ask yourself as I did, do I really want to be with a man who would use a woman, play on her low self esteem, and then tell you that's why he is staying with her.

3) If a person can walk out of your life, they were never meant to be a part of your destiny anyway.

That statement does not have to be explained. Good Luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #6  May 6,2010, 11:57am
gothustartus's Avatar

is thinking about someone special

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2009

London, England

Posts: 1,753

See profile

You need to tell him to get lost and mean it. Hang up if he calls, delete emails or SMS unread or better yet block his number and filter his email address, change your own numbers and email address if you have to, as long as you keep opening the door for him he'll keep stepping through it.
Think of him as a vampire you've invited across the threshold, he's not going away until you've hammered a garlic baguette where the sun doesn't shine.
 
  Reply With Quote
szgorzelski is offline szgorzelski Post #7  May 6,2010, 12:45pm
szgorzelski's Avatar

is on beercation.

Veteran

Joined: Jan 2010

Fort Eustis, VA

Posts: 1,413

See profile

You don't have to be Wonder Woman. Don't feel like you have to save this guy. I know that's what you are feeling.
 
  Reply With Quote
alchemist10 is offline alchemist10 Post #8  May 7,2010, 5:20am
alchemist10's Avatar

is suffering a bit of spring fever

Quick Study

Joined: Apr 2010

Haverhill

Posts: 61

See profile

Move coutnry .... change phone numbers... I don't know... it sounds like you have a chemistry with the guy you can't resist but it sounds like he is bad news as he would surely treat you the way he is treating other people given the chance. I wish you the best of luck but the best thing would be to totally break of all comunication with him. Tell him no more talking or seeing one another and then stick by it.
 
  Reply With Quote
AngelaH is offline AngelaH Post #9  May 7,2010, 10:08am
AngelaH's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Aug 2008

Alberta, Canada

Posts: 30

See profile

Sigh.

What kind of a man do you want as a lover/husband/father-to-your-children? I assume you want someone who can hold a job, who can pay his own way (and hopefully support the family), who acts honorably, who would be a good role-model, who would set you above all others, who acts responsibly, and love you dearly.

I would assume you never want to be stuck with someone jobless, who uses sex to get things from others, who lies to you, and who cheats on you.

So, which one is he? From your first message, it's clear from his behaviour that he's not a paragon of love.

Tell your heart to shut up. It's leading you astray. It's addicted to something very unhealthy and it's time to treat yourself to something that is good for you that doesn't leave you crying at night.

Delete his phone number and email address. Block his calls. Block his emails. Get on with your life. Go cold turkey and get back out into the sunshine!

There are a million wonderful opportunities out there waiting for you...but you'll never grab one of them if your hands are still struggling to hold onto this mess.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« The Past | Relationships | A Question for Young People 30 and Under... »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ ^This is the better plan.. My experience has been that love usually comes along when you least expect it, and when your heart is open enough to let it in. If you try to put a set time table on when ... ” –  TheThinker

Join the “Transition from dating to relationship” discussion

“ As Ingy mentions ...he's good with the lines and multitasking relationships.. All anyone can say is: don't get played again...especially by the same guy twice... Move on to someone who is decisive ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“This varies based on your age, gender, location, settings, and 29 dimensions. My settings are fairly narrow and I've always gotten a steady stream of matches. But, my location seems to have a lot ... ” –  dmi

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“I'm extremely allergic to cats, plus I just don't like 'em. So I won't date someone with cats. Dogs, I love. But I'm attracted to certain types of dogs. A guy with a little yorkie turns me off. ... ” –  ZisaGirl

Join the “What about a "PET BOX" ?? again this sounds simple or??” discussion

“If you get the opportunity, yes.” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“...and since you're Shaun Cassidy fan mitchell...this song is just for you! "Da Doo Ron Ron" I met her on a Monday And my heart stood still Da doo ron ron ron Da doo ron ron Somebody told me That ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 9:31am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0