annieruokay is offline annieruokay Post #1  May 4,2010, 9:00am
annieruokay's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: May 2010

Posts: 3

See profile

Situation: A little more than a month ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year because he started to get too busy with a new job and grad school. Seeing each other 2 or 3x a week became seeing each other maybe once every two weeks...and talking with each other on the phone was just as scarce. It felt like we were falling apart, and this went on for at least 3 or 4 months.

I tried to be patient with him, but the pain of missing him too much overcame any sense of rational thinking. So I became the clingy and desperate girlfriend who always demanded his time even though he couldn't for legitimate reasons.

I was the one who broke it off with him because I got tired of being the needy girl as I'm sure he was tired of me, as well. But now I'm realizing it's a mistake.

Should I ask for him back? If so, how?
 
  Reply With Quote
TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #2  May 4,2010, 9:24am
TheThinker's Avatar

Just what you want to be...you will be in the end

Power Poster

Joined: Aug 2009

The Island of Rhode

Posts: 6,429

See profile

has the situation changed as far as his schedule goes? and, if it hasn't, are you ready to accept it for what it is?

How did you leave it with him?? Has he moved on with someone else, perhaps?
was it an amicable break up??

I need more details to help you out..
 
  Reply With Quote
annieruokay is offline annieruokay Post #3  May 4,2010, 9:41am
annieruokay's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: May 2010

Posts: 3

See profile

He'll be finishing up grad school in July. Knowing that his busy schedule is temporary (or hoping anyway), I'm more willing to accept his schedule for how it is now.

The great thing about this guy is that he's a great communicator and doesn't play games. He always wanted to talk things through and never leave things hanging, so we did break up amicably and we are on good terms now. A couple weeks after we broke up, he said that he felt less stressed, which I can't blame him for. We've texted here and there but always kept is casual- nothing about the relationship. As far as if he's dating any one right now, I'm not sure.

I guess I'm just a little confused as to how to approach him at this point, esp since he seems okay with our break up. Start casual with coffee and ignite sparks again? Or do I just be honest with him about how I feel?

Thank you, TheThinker, for any wisdom you can share!
 
  Reply With Quote
TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  May 4,2010, 9:49am
TheThinker's Avatar

Just what you want to be...you will be in the end

Power Poster

Joined: Aug 2009

The Island of Rhode

Posts: 6,429

See profile

Sure, maybe invite him over for dinner or something...
wrote :
Or do I just be honest with him about how I feel?
I say, that's an excellent place to start.
Good luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
annieruokay is offline annieruokay Post #5  May 4,2010, 10:11am
annieruokay's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: May 2010

Posts: 3

See profile

Thank you!
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  May 4,2010, 11:07am
Sassafras54's Avatar

Your Community Coordinator

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2009

San Pedro, CA

Posts: 9,080

See profile

I don't think it was "desperate, clingy, needy" to want to see your bf of 1 year more than once every 2 weeks over a 6-month period. He didn't go on an Antarctic Expedition, did he?

What if you end up marrying this guy, have a couple little kids and a job, and hey! he's busy! You're on your own. ?? Is that ok?

Hardly Anyone is really That Busy. If he valued your relationship he'd make the effort to keep connected even when he's busy.

OK, I just read "He's Just Not That Into You" and your post sounds like a chapter in that book. So my response may be skewed by that. Sorry!
 
  Reply With Quote
Daphnie is offline Daphnie Post #7  May 4,2010, 11:49am
Daphnie's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Sep 2009

TX

Posts: 288

See profile

annieruokay wrote :
It felt like we were falling apart, and this went on for at least 3 or 4 months.

I tried to be patient with him, but the pain of missing him too much overcame any sense of rational thinking. So I became the clingy and desperate girlfriend who always demanded his time even though he couldn't for legitimate reasons.

I was the one who broke it off with him because I got tired of being the needy girl as I'm sure he was tired of me, as well. But now I'm realizing it's a mistake.

Should I ask for him back? If so, how?
OP:

All I can see is how YOU feel, what YOU want and what YOU do. What about your boyfriend? What was his reaction when you asked for more time together? How did he reaction to the breakup?

It is not only one person's fault to be "clingy". When your need to spend time together exceeds his, you become clingy. So to me, the problem boils down to your boyfriend's priorities. In other words, how important is this relationship to him? Obviously, it means a lot to you. But it takes two people to make a relationship work and only one to end it.
 
  Reply With Quote
Daphnie is offline Daphnie Post #8  May 4,2010, 12:04pm
Daphnie's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Sep 2009

TX

Posts: 288

See profile

annieruokay wrote :
He'll be finishing up grad school in July. Knowing that his busy schedule is temporary (or hoping anyway), I'm more willing to accept his schedule for how it is now.

The great thing about this guy is that he's a great communicator and doesn't play games. He always wanted to talk things through and never leave things hanging, so we did break up amicably and we are on good terms now. A couple weeks after we broke up, he said that he felt less stressed, which I can't blame him for. We've texted here and there but always kept is casual- nothing about the relationship. As far as if he's dating any one right now, I'm not sure.

I guess I'm just a little confused as to how to approach him at this point, esp since he seems okay with our break up. Start casual with coffee and ignite sparks again? Or do I just be honest with him about how I feel?
OP:

Do you think after your boyfriend's graduation, everything will be better? I am not quite sold on that. The problem is he puts your needs at the end of his priority list. What's going to happen when he gets busy at work? Are you going to wait for him to quit his job for you? If I were you, I would talk to him about the breakup before a makeup.

I hope everything works out for you!
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  May 4,2010, 12:46pm
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,750

See profile

After a year, the relationship either grows stronger and is moving toward marriage or it ends. The reality is that nobody is so incredibly busy that they don't have 5 minutes to spare for a phone call or that they can't see their SO even if it's a quiet evening at home. It sounds to me like his priorities stopped including you and that has little to do with grad school or a new job.

I work very long hours and I can tell you that my degree of interest in a person becomes very apparent to me based on whether I want to talk to them at the end of a long day or not. So I would be hesitant about wanting to get back together with this guy. Even if he is agreeable, you may be wasting your time with someone who ultimately does not see a future with you and one day you may get a very nasty shock or an abrupt ending when he finally decided he is done with you or because he just met someone and would like to pursue that relationship instead. Not saying that he would cheat on you, but that you may get abruptly tossed aside for what he will consider as a more likely candidate for "the one".
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  May 4,2010, 2:37pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,681

See profile

I agree with the post from Mr. Thinker.

At this juncture, having acceptance of the situation (or at least hope for improvement in the near future) is your burden, should you decide to (try to) continue.


Sassafras54 wrote :
I don't think it was "desperate, clingy, needy" to want to see your bf of 1 year more than once every 2 weeks over a 6-month period. He didn't go on an Antarctic Expedition, did he?

True, but how this is communicated might have been critical. The wrong language, tone, etc, would be the kind of things I've encountered in this situation - and that's reason to end it.


Sassafras54 wrote :
Hardly Anyone is really That Busy.
DancingFool wrote :
The reality is that nobody is so incredibly busy that they don't have 5 minutes to spare for a phone call or that they can't see their SO even if it's a quiet evening at home.

Some people are. I was, for many years. In fact, every other week is probably the most common in all my dating experience. I have been once per month, for a lot longer than six months (I don't have the same need to be together, and tended to have partners with similar demands, which helps this issue tremendously.)

It is also not a valid assumption that a person has 5 minutes - especially since there may not be 5 minutes when both parties are available at the same time. Another problem, is the lonely party wishing to drag out phone calls, or yap pointlessy to hear themself ... or the busy party not wishing to speak unless relaxed, which they may need time to acheive.

And, of course, it isn't possible to have a quiet evening at home, if you aren't even home enough to get a healthy amount of sleep (let alone meals, bathing, and everything else that needs tending.) A complicaing factor is travel time - it's pretty excessive to drive for two hours for a half hour together (especially since fatigue is a majpr risk factor for traffic mishaps.) I wouldn't do it, and I preferred my partners not to bother; I'd rather wait the two weeks.


Sassafras54 wrote :
If he valued your relationship he'd make the effort to keep connected even when he's busy.
DancingFool wrote :
It sounds to me like his priorities stopped including you and that has little to do with grad school or a new job.

He did. He saw her every other week, completely consistent with what I was able to manage (actually a bit better.) I so no evidence from the OP of disinterest.

One thing I suggest looking for, is that he is giving you all, or at least most, of his social time (I did.)

Not every relationship moves toward marriage, and not every person wants it to. (This is a point to have discussed already, but any other major change in life, such as a re-assessment of career or education, warrants confirming you are both still aligned.)

Another point to think about, is whether he is transitioning into a different class - new friends, hobbies, enduring difference in employment hours and expectations, and whether you will be able to keep pace. (This would be a reason why I would leave a partner in a similar situation.)
Last edited by D_Lion; May 4,2010 at 2:40pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Any past or present jealous guys? | Relationships | I love you; I love you not. »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
So now she wants me back... Bearwolf102 Ask a Dating Expert 41 April 25,2010 12:32pm
What to do when he doesn't write back.... faith_2share BaptistViewPoints 2 April 13,2010 4:21pm
Slicking Hair Back Should it Done By Men? justme27 Guide to Style 16 January 30,2010 4:59pm
My voice is back and you're gonna be in trouble, hey la, hey la, My VOICE is back! jsbach AAA Completely Stupid Conversations 24 January 24,2010 6:21pm
Want to get back with GF after 1 year apart. Need advice... Holdyourcolor Relationships 19 January 19,2010 3:53pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ ^This is the better plan.. My experience has been that love usually comes along when you least expect it, and when your heart is open enough to let it in. If you try to put a set time table on when ... ” –  TheThinker

Join the “Transition from dating to relationship” discussion

“ As Ingy mentions ...he's good with the lines and multitasking relationships.. All anyone can say is: don't get played again...especially by the same guy twice... Move on to someone who is decisive ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“This varies based on your age, gender, location, settings, and 29 dimensions. My settings are fairly narrow and I've always gotten a steady stream of matches. But, my location seems to have a lot ... ” –  dmi

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“I'm extremely allergic to cats, plus I just don't like 'em. So I won't date someone with cats. Dogs, I love. But I'm attracted to certain types of dogs. A guy with a little yorkie turns me off. ... ” –  ZisaGirl

Join the “What about a "PET BOX" ?? again this sounds simple or??” discussion

“If you get the opportunity, yes.” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“...and since you're Shaun Cassidy fan mitchell...this song is just for you! "Da Doo Ron Ron" I met her on a Monday And my heart stood still Da doo ron ron ron Da doo ron ron Somebody told me That ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 9:31am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0