She's stepping back to think about things


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webbjs is offline webbjs Post #1  April 29,2010, 4:40pm
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I've recently meet a wonderful woman on eHarmony. We dated for two and a half months, during which we've both been incredibly complementary and loving toward one another. We've both voiced that we're in love and blessed to have found each other, and have talks of the future all the time as well (although hypothetical ones, as to not assume "engagement"). I have been incredibly happy to have found someone as driven, independent, beautiful and mature as her. She is a 2/3 time student, full time employee, and mother of two, so you can imagine dating can be an added stress to these responsibilities. >

Three weeks ago, she cancelled plans to have me join her for a family party and decided she'd like to go alone. She said she needed to step back and really evaluate how she feels. She also stated that this relationship is so far out of her comfort zone, (that zone of being happily independent and chronically single). She is in the last quarter at her school and under a lot of pressure to maintain a high GPA. She also said that the intensity in our relationship has been a lot of her "reciprocating" what she gets from me from me, and that she probably jumped in headfirst too quickly. Her words were that she "needs a few weekends to just step back and evaluate things".

I sent an e-mail the following morning detailing my agreement with slowing down and stepping back a little. I also emphasized however that I don't want to lose her. I ended the e-mail with the following statement:

"As for this quarter (college), I want you to take the time you need to focus and not see me as a distraction of any kind. All I'm really asking for is; (I go on to mention two specific events we were planning together; one in a month and one in two months). Please don't forget me. Love, (Me)”.

This is where I left it and three weeks have now passed.

I've decided not to contact her in any way whatsoever, and to give her all the space and time she wants. I do wonder if I've handled this correctly, also I wonder what she's thinking. If she were doing this to break up, wouldn’t she have done it by now? I'd be curious to see what others think.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  April 29,2010, 4:51pm
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I think you've done all you can. You gave her what she asked for, you stated your (IMO reasonable) expectations without sounding defensive or any such. I'm assuming you also stated somewhere in your email that you were interested in continuing the relationship.

Did she say that she wanted no contact during this thinking period?

I think all you can do is wait. If it goes another week, you might give a call and just ask if she's wanting to extend the time out or if she wants to move on.

I hope she decides to continue with you - or at least communicates her reasons for not. It's hard to tell from your OP but it might be that she really is just feeling overwhelmed.

I hope it works out for you.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  April 29,2010, 6:33pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Wow...it has been 3 weeks since you've spoken? My advice is that something may or may not work out with this woman.....but don't put your life on hold. By that I mean your dating life and trying to meet someone else.
 
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szgorzelski is offline szgorzelski Post #4  April 29,2010, 8:34pm
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I agree with the monkey lady, you handled it practically perfect. You gave her space and let her know she's still #1 to you without being too pushy. The ball is in her court now.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #5  April 30,2010, 6:08am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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I don't know how to put this nicely ...she pulled the ol' "It's not you, it's me" rabbit out of her, um ...hat and you've been dumped.

"Stepping back", "slowing down", or "needing space" ...it's all code for "I'm breaking up with you".

Sorry.
Last edited by BikerBeagle; April 30,2010 at 6:14am.
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #6  April 30,2010, 6:17am
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... is like a nice warm vibratey feeling all through your guttiwuts.

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BikerBeagle wrote :
I don't know how to put this nicely ...she pulled the ol' "It's not you, it's me" rabbit out of her, um ...hat and you've been dumped.

Sorry.
Yup. When one partner pulls back the relationship is usually gonzo. Two-three months is a common watershed mark for continuing or ending a relationship. Sorry, mate. Like the others have said, webbjs, you handled her request with class and honesty. Nothing else you can really do at this point, it's up to her.
 
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truthaboutcupid is offline truthaboutcupid Post #7  April 30,2010, 12:30pm
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I agree with everything in this thread so far. Let me give my experience with some very similar endings.

She will come back. Yes, it's going to happen. But most likely not back as in wanting to your lover again. In the meantime, DO NOT CONTACT HER...in any way. No emails, text msgs, calls, etc. Nothing. If you happen to run into her, do not approach her. If you do, keep it small talk. Do not talk about anything specific in your life (like if you are dating, how your family is, how the "trip" went etc.). Just say the following phrase, "Everything is great, thanks for asking." in a nice tone to every question. She does not get to be a voyeur in your life until she makes the effort. She opted out. She has to opt back in, and that means putting in an effort...not just a "how you doing" phone call twice a year. She is only doing that to not feel so bad for leading you on. She thinks that by "being friends" (or should I say "friendly") that you won't hate her for what she did to you. That's all she cares about going forward. Just never let her see you sweat.

I agree that she did this to break-up with you but she will miss your friendship at some point and contact you. Just be polite if she does and say "Nice to hear from you. Everything is great. Why did you call?" She'll want to know more about what's going on with you. Don't tell her. Just high-level, everything is great. Then ask, "is that all you called for?" If she can't muster up the courage to say anything more, then say, "Well, thanks for your call concerned about how I was, but I'm doing great. All is well. It was nice to hear from you" and hang up. Nothing mean at all. Just don't go out of your way.

Sorry, but the best thing you can do is move on and continue searching. Poofers will always poof again when they know you will take them back. You are the "in case I can't do any better" guy that she wants to keep around. Screw her and let's grab some beers!
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #8  April 30,2010, 1:01pm
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... is like a nice warm vibratey feeling all through your guttiwuts.

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truthaboutcupid wrote :
Screw her and let's grab some beers!
Just don't drunk text her after all those beers!
 
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lilypeach is offline lilypeach Post #9  April 30,2010, 1:34pm
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truthaboutcupid wrote :
I agree with everything in this thread so far. Let me give my experience with some very similar endings.

She will come back. Yes, it's going to happen. But most likely not back as in wanting to your lover again. In the meantime, DO NOT CONTACT HER...in any way. No emails, text msgs, calls, etc. Nothing. If you happen to run into her, do not approach her. If you do, keep it small talk. Do not talk about anything specific in your life (like if you are dating, how your family is, how the "trip" went etc.). Just say the following phrase, "Everything is great, thanks for asking." in a nice tone to every question. She does not get to be a voyeur in your life until she makes the effort. She opted out. She has to opt back in, and that means putting in an effort...not just a "how you doing" phone call twice a year. She is only doing that to not feel so bad for leading you on. She thinks that by "being friends" (or should I say "friendly") that you won't hate her for what she did to you. That's all she cares about going forward. Just never let her see you sweat.

I agree that she did this to break-up with you but she will miss your friendship at some point and contact you. Just be polite if she does and say "Nice to hear from you. Everything is great. Why did you call?" She'll want to know more about what's going on with you. Don't tell her. Just high-level, everything is great. Then ask, "is that all you called for?" If she can't muster up the courage to say anything more, then say, "Well, thanks for your call concerned about how I was, but I'm doing great. All is well. It was nice to hear from you" and hang up. Nothing mean at all. Just don't go out of your way.

Sorry, but the best thing you can do is move on and continue searching. Poofers will always poof again when they know you will take them back. You are the "in case I can't do any better" guy that she wants to keep around. Screw her and let's grab some beers!
As a girl, I read this and I agree completely. Please follow this advice to the letter!
I must say, too, that this is in no way ill-meaning on her part, it's just her way of trying to back out of something in the kindest way possible - something that has progressed too deeply, too quickly.
I am sure that the romance will not recover, although she could be facing other stressors in her life that may have attributed to her pulling away so quickly.
Proceed with caution !! Do NOT contact her under any circumstances, not matter how difficult or even odd this may feel. You wrote her the perfect note, you should feel content that you have handled yourself perfectly.
She will contact you if I'm wrong and there was another reason for her withdrawing (a real work difficulty, a family problem, or something that she is not comfortable sharing with you yet).
Until then, be confident, be yourself, put her to one side and start getting back out there! This is the dating game, we're blind for a while until we turn the corner and can look back to see what the truth was. During this time, silence usually means no future.
Good luck, we've all been there, it's all part of the journey towards reaching the right one and we learn a lot about ourselves along the way!
 
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webbjs is offline webbjs Post #10  April 30,2010, 9:17pm
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Thanks all. Specifically lilypeach and truthaboutcupid though, I thought your observations and recommendations are spot on how I am and should be thinking of this right now. I'm absolutely prepared for a breakup, but I still hold out hope. I'm not going to go searching new profiles or picking up new women quite yet, but I'm mentally in a place to get back out there soon. Thanks again, and I'd love to hear any other opinions as well.
Last edited by webbjs; April 30,2010 at 9:26pm.
 
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