She's stepping back to think about things


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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #21  May 2,2010, 11:47am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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marguitar wrote :
It is crazy how similar the situations actually are, as I, too, became more than a little overwhelmed when I realized the reality of the feelings going on, and the depth of the meaning of the commitment we were making, in the midst of the end of my semester approaching, with it's accompanying term papers, legal articles, final exams, etc..., plus the next 2 weeks require a much larger time commitment at my job than any other weeks of the year...
Actually, your situation is quite dissimilar to the OP's in that his is caused by this:
wrote :
Her words were that she "needs a few weekends to just step back and evaluate things".
...presumably "things" would be "her feelings for him" and not the other "things" going on in her life. Your situation is, literally, the opposite scenario.

With that said, and while I commend you for your maturity in dealing with and prioritizing your "unacclimatized single lifestyle" ...I have to agree with Wonderwoman, there are always going to be multiple priorities in life and you've just shown him his is dead last (harsh, I know, but true). It's an oxymoron to say that you are "deeply and meaningfully committed" to the relationship in one sentence, and say "oh, but by the way, I'm tossing you to the curb because I have no time for you right now" in the other.

If it was him coming here asking for advice about your situation, I'd tell him straight up ..."never make someone a priority who is willing to make you an option". If he is 'there' when your life finally has 'room' for him, I'd guess it will only be because he was unable to find a replacement for you in the interim.

I'm sorry, I realize I'm sounding callous and not being sympathetic to your situation ...I'm just saying that, if your life is truly this way, perhaps you should not be attempting to date at all. That decision seems to be selfish to me ...people aren't toys you can put away and bring out to play with whenever it is 'convenient' for you to do so.

...but, whatever, I'm not 'your' guy, maybe he's ok with it. Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable at all not knowing from one minute to the next if your 'life' is going to hand me another lay-off notice ...but, that's just me.

I do hope it works out for you, though.
 
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marguitar is offline marguitar Post #22  May 2,2010, 12:01pm
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respite is a beautiful thing...

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This is why I keep coming back and checking in on you guys... I can most often count on you all to see things from a different perspective than where I am, and then pretty much just call it like you see it! (No need to be quite so brutal, though!)

Wonderwoman402, your post is why I always pay close attention to what you have to say. You're realistic, thoughtful, and always straight up, in a kinder, gentler, but no nonsense way. Thanks much for your eye opening comments, most certainly about his feeling like the last priority in my life, when in fact, that was my least intention. Time to make a phone call and change directions asap.

truthaboutcupid, I thank you for your straight forward comments as well, and hope that you might consider in the future, that people sometimes make decisions that might not have been the best thought out, and as poor as the decision may be, it was not made with intention of malice. I would ask that you not make assumptions about anyone's character based on so very little information about them. We do damage to one another as human beings by assuming the worst about each other based on so little knowledge.

And off I go, another life lesson learned, full of appreciation that once again, when I was ready for the lesson, the teacher appeared...

Thanks guys! Be well.
 
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marguitar is offline marguitar Post #23  May 2,2010, 12:07pm
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BikerBeagle, I posted my reply before yours showed up, but I wanted to thank you as well. When I see it from your perspective, I would absolutely agree with your assessment as well. I thank you for taking the time to reply, and OP, I am terribly sorry to hijack your thread. I truly am off to make some corrections (and apologies!)

Thanks again for your replies.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is online now Wonderwoman402 Post #24  May 2,2010, 7:29pm
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marguitar wrote :
This is why I keep coming back and checking in on you guys... I can most often count on you all to see things from a different perspective than where I am, and then pretty much just call it like you see it! (No need to be quite so brutal, though!)

Wonderwoman402, your post is why I always pay close attention to what you have to say. You're realistic, thoughtful, and always straight up, in a kinder, gentler, but no nonsense way. Thanks much for your eye opening comments, most certainly about his feeling like the last priority in my life, when in fact, that was my least intention. Time to make a phone call and change directions asap.

truthaboutcupid, I thank you for your straight forward comments as well, and hope that you might consider in the future, that people sometimes make decisions that might not have been the best thought out, and as poor as the decision may be, it was not made with intention of malice. I would ask that you not make assumptions about anyone's character based on so very little information about them. We do damage to one another as human beings by assuming the worst about each other based on so little knowledge.

And off I go, another life lesson learned, full of appreciation that once again, when I was ready for the lesson, the teacher appeared...

Thanks guys! Be well.

I'm glad you came back and read the follow-ups, and more glad that you are taking them to heart. I hope it works out for you!
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #25  May 2,2010, 8:16pm
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truthaboutcupid wrote :
I agree with everything in this thread so far. Let me give my experience with some very similar endings.

She will come back. Yes, it's going to happen. But most likely not back as in wanting to your lover again. In the meantime, DO NOT CONTACT HER...in any way. No emails, text msgs, calls, etc. Nothing. If you happen to run into her, do not approach her.
)
Many many assumptions in this post-plus a lot of gamesmanship too.

First, she might not come back..To assume she will is simply your experience and in no way reflects on every woman in this situation..myself for example.

I suspect many women/men who ask to have space are asking just for space. This is a busy woman with a lot going on. Lets just assume she was being honest here-that things have moved too fast and she is not ready for commitment. She may or may not decide to seek you out again, but that shouldn't prevent you from being friendly.

As for my opinion, if you haven't heard from her in 3 weeks, nothing would be lost by a polite email hoping she is doing well and saying you are doing well also. Thats just being friendsl-after all you were into the I Love Yous already!

3-5 months is the usual time for a relationship to run..if it isn't *The One*, then that gives both parties time to get to know each other, discover that all isn't what they wish for and break things off.

Try to not be in such a rush for the I L Y and give yourself and the woman some time to learn about each others good and bad points. For the first couple of months, were in the Honeymoon stage..all is roses and rainbows. It takes time for the negatives to appear. Patience...
 
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brixjnz is offline brixjnz Post #26  May 3,2010, 8:50am
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annother wrote :
I don't want to derail this thread, but I do want to point out that it is possible to be happy as a single person and still want a partner. I am self-sufficient with a full life and good friends. I am happy. Yet, I would like to have a life companion and lover. The two situations are not mutually exclusive.
Yes, you're right. But in this case (that of the OP's lady) it seems that it is mutually exclusive.
 
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Kaspar11 is offline Kaspar11 Post #27  May 3,2010, 2:32pm
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RoxyRedhead wrote :
I suspect many women/men who ask to have space are asking just for space. This is a busy woman with a lot going on. Lets just assume she was being honest here-that things have moved too fast and she is not ready for commitment. She may or may not decide to seek you out again, but that shouldn't prevent you from being friendly.
I totally agree. People need to have time to breathe and be on their own. What probably happened was that she was spending all of her time either with you or at work and she got overwhelmed. Since she can't just stop going to work, something had to give and it was the one thing in her control. She also hasn't had time to come to grips with her feelings and decide if this is really what she wants. Once she does that, she may realize how special your relationship is. As the saying goes, "nothing grows without space and air". Maybe this is a healthy break and she'll come back. If not, you have your answer.
 
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webbjs is offline webbjs Post #28  May 5,2010, 12:44am
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Oooh, I like Kaspar11's optimism! Ok, ok, I know BikerBeagle will quickly point out why I responded only to Kaspar11.

Truth is, I value all the perspectives I've seen here. And yes, BikerBeagle provides a great deal of "try to see it the other way" wisdom, and I do appreciate the reality check.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #29  May 7,2010, 5:07am
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RoxyRedhead wrote :
Many many assumptions in this post-plus a lot of gamesmanship too.

First, she might not come back..To assume she will is simply your experience and in no way reflects on every woman in this situation..myself for example.

I suspect many women/men who ask to have space are asking just for space. This is a busy woman with a lot going on. Lets just assume she was being honest here-that things have moved too fast and she is not ready for commitment. She may or may not decide to seek you out again, but that shouldn't prevent you from being friendly.

As for my opinion, if you haven't heard from her in 3 weeks, nothing would be lost by a polite email hoping she is doing well and saying you are doing well also. Thats just being friendsl-after all you were into the I Love Yous already!

3-5 months is the usual time for a relationship to run..if it isn't *The One*, then that gives both parties time to get to know each other, discover that all isn't what they wish for and break things off.

Try to not be in such a rush for the I L Y and give yourself and the woman some time to learn about each others good and bad points. For the first couple of months, were in the Honeymoon stage..all is roses and rainbows. It takes time for the negatives to appear. Patience...
As usual, great advice, Roxy.

You know sometimes, people need space to breathe and figure themselves out. It doesn't have to be pushed into a death spiral for the relationship. I read this in a book once upon a time, and it's true in some ways. Things between old lovers are never truly over until one of you dies.

Like Roxy said, give them some time and space to think (and maybe even miss you) and after a period of time, it's appropriate to check how they are doing and see where things might go from there.
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #30  May 7,2010, 8:40pm
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I just want to say for myself and as a woman, when I am into a man and happy to be with him, I never ever want a break.

When things feel right it wouldn't feel natural.

If I were really really busy with life...I would still see him and let him know how much I want to see him but I am busy but I would not cause a break.

Would you do that to a gal you were really into?
 
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