She's stepping back to think about things


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Wonderwoman402 is online now Wonderwoman402 Post #11  April 30,2010, 9:39pm
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BikerBeagle wrote :
I don't know how to put this nicely ...she pulled the ol' "It's not you, it's me" rabbit out of her, um ...hat and you've been dumped.

"Stepping back", "slowing down", or "needing space" ...it's all code for "I'm breaking up with you".

Sorry.
Yep, all these phrases (along with the old standby "I'm confused") are a way of saying it's over, without actually having the spine to say it's over.
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #12  April 30,2010, 11:54pm
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She also likely met somebody else too...
 
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brixjnz is offline brixjnz Post #13  May 1,2010, 8:05am
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I hate this for you. And it feels so familiar. I am continually astonished at the selfishness people exhibit simply by not taking the time to know themselves and understand where their heads/hearts are.

If you are not emotionally ready for a relationship or are unsure, don't join eH! If your comfort zone is "happily single" and you don't have the courage to step out of your comfort zone then stay happily single! Stop using us (people actually looking and hoping for a life partner) as your $19.95 a month (or however much your subscription costs) therapy to help you determine your emotional state.
 
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marguitar is offline marguitar Post #14  May 1,2010, 8:18pm
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I thought I would add just a little different perspective here. I haven't posted on EhA for several months (although I have lurked sporadically, and enjoyed keeping up with everyone!) because I AM the woman the OP is dealing with.

I work full time in a management position, so 50+ hours per week is not unusual, and I just started attending school full time in January, coincidentally the same week I met, and began to date a very kind , caring, and wonderful man for the first time in 4 years! Things progressed relatively quickly, in a very similar fashion to the OP, and within the first 3 months we knew that we wanted to be exclusive and committed to the relationship.

It is crazy how similar the situations actually are, as I, too, became more than a little overwhelmed when I realized the reality of the feelings going on, and the depth of the meaning of the commitment we were making, in the midst of the end of my semester approaching, with it's accompanying term papers, legal articles, final exams, etc..., plus the next 2 weeks require a much larger time commitment at my job than any other weeks of the year... SO.

I did the very same thing the OP's lady did. I asked for a two week hiatus of sorts. I, of course, first discussed it with chef man, and made sure he understood my continuing commitment to the relationship. I simply stated that if I were required to give one more bit of myself anywhere else in my life for the next two weeks, even if it was in the pursuit of the expected pleasure of a budding relationship, that there simply would not be enough of me to go around. I just need some time.

I have been completely single for 4 years. I have not yet had the chance to acclimate my single lifestyle to incorporate someone else into an already packed to the brim life. It is all new to me, and I asked for compromise in the only spot where there was any wiggle room, and that was in the relationship. He gladly obliged. I truly hope my assurances were enough so that he is not having the same doubts and fears as the OP, but I will have to trust that he meant what he said when he said he completely understood my needs.

I fully intend to return to the relationship. I am aware this is not the norm, and I certainly don't mean to give false hope where it is not appropriate, but the situations were so very similar, that I just felt compelled to let you know that things are not always so black and white. By all means, if it works for you, follow the other posters' advices about moving on, and absolutely take care of your own needs, but remember, no one really knows what's going on inside someone else.

"We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are."
~Anais Nin
Good luck.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #15  May 1,2010, 9:12pm
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brixjnz wrote :
If you are not emotionally ready for a relationship or are unsure, don't join eH! If your comfort zone is "happily single" and you don't have the courage to step out of your comfort zone then stay happily single! Stop using us (people actually looking and hoping for a life partner) as your $19.95 a month (or however much your subscription costs) therapy to help you determine your emotional state.
I don't want to derail this thread, but I do want to point out that it is possible to be happy as a single person and still want a partner. I am self-sufficient with a full life and good friends. I am happy. Yet, I would like to have a life companion and lover. The two situations are not mutually exclusive.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #16  May 2,2010, 8:47am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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webbjs wrote :
Thanks all. Specifically lilypeach and truthaboutcupid though, I thought your observations and recommendations are spot on how I am and should be thinking of this right now.
Does anyone else find it interesting? You singled out the only two replies that had one thing in common ...
truthaboutcupid wrote :
She will come back. Yes, it's going to happen.
lilypeach wrote :
She will contact you
...because, I think, that's really all you wanted to hear.

Webbjs, I think you are completely missing the point ...

"No contact" or "limited contact" isn't meant to be used as a game ...a power-play, to get her to come back to you. It's meant to be a means for you to remove her from your life and move on. Something tells me that you don't understand this concept. You want your "power" back, I understand that ...but playing games isn't the way to do that. You either change - she sees that change, and it's enough to convince her to give you a second chance - or you don't ...it's really that simple.

webbjs wrote :
I'm absolutely prepared for a breakup, but I still hold out hope.

I'm mentally in a place to get back out there soon.
If the first statement is true, the second statement can't be ...

...but, whatever.
 
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Charger is offline Charger Post #17  May 2,2010, 9:25am
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Find your balance and let real life begin

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I have some personal experience with your exact situation, the stories are very similar. As the ever so poetic Billy Joel once sang;

" Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
And they may not want it to end
But it will it's just a question of when
I've lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned"

I'm sure your relationship started out with very good intentions, but one person got in way over their head and now here you are. So live and learn. The only other bit of advice I could offer you is you really have to have a different mentality these days; really think about it and ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who really doesn't want to be with you and by saying I need some time, well there is your answer. When someone is really into you; they make time to be with you pure and simple.

Good luck, I wish you well.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is online now Wonderwoman402 Post #18  May 2,2010, 10:58am
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marguitar wrote :
I thought I would add just a little different perspective here. I haven't posted on EhA for several months (although I have lurked sporadically, and enjoyed keeping up with everyone!) because I AM the woman the OP is dealing with.

I work full time in a management position, so 50+ hours per week is not unusual, and I just started attending school full time in January, coincidentally the same week I met, and began to date a very kind , caring, and wonderful man for the first time in 4 years! .....

(snipped for brevity)

I fully intend to return to the relationship. I am aware this is not the norm, and I certainly don't mean to give false hope where it is not appropriate, but the situations were so very similar, that I just felt compelled to let you know that things are not always so black and white. By all means, if it works for you, follow the other posters' advices about moving on, and absolutely take care of your own needs, but remember, no one really knows what's going on inside someone else.
If your relationship does go back to where it was, you will truly be the exception, not the rule. Personally, I think you are missing out on a fantastic source of support while you are dealing with your class, work, etc.

You know, there are always multiple priorities in life. A relationship can be supportive of your other priorities without forcing you to give up on any of them.

I think you are shortchanging your partner of the chance to show you that he can be there for you in that role when you need it. After all, you had the time to post on here... why not the time to have a conversation with your SO? You have to eat anyway, why not share a meal or two... even if it's just a sandwich between work and class... with your SO. The fact that you feel you need to put only that aspect of your life "on hold" during this busy time it telling him exactly where he falls in the priorities in your life.... and it's dead last.

I hope you report back here after finals and tell us whether your relationship survived your requested "break." Very few do.
 
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skitermon is offline skitermon Post #19  May 2,2010, 11:18am
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
I think you are shortchanging your partner of the chance to show you that he can be there for you in that role when you need it. After all, you had the time to post on here... why not the time to have a conversation with your SO? You have to eat anyway, why not share a meal or two... even if it's just a sandwich between work and class... with your SO. The fact that you feel you need to put only that aspect of your life "on hold" during this busy time it telling him exactly where he falls in the priorities in your life.... and it's dead last.
Yes! This is spot on! OP, this is it in a nutshell no matter what your SO's reasoning is! You deserve better!

Oh, and I had the same situation. Didn't work out. Have never seen it work out. Have seen a number of guys in this situation.
Last edited by skitermon; May 2,2010 at 11:22am.
 
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truthaboutcupid is offline truthaboutcupid Post #20  May 2,2010, 11:35am
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Ummmm, wow. Yeah, well, I completely disagree. You come off at best...caring very little about him or worst, as someone completely selfish and self-absorbed. I am willing to bet if he asked you to sacrifice anything (put your life on hold for him, switch jobs for him, etc.) that you would say NO WAY...I'm not "settling" for that. I want to keep my life and have a man just come in and fit perfectly into it without compromising (or settling as others call it) anything. Does everyone know that love is caring about someone more than yourself? When it's all about you, it will never work...with anyone! (except for people with very low self-esteem or think they are dating way out of their league)

"I work full time in a management position, so 50+ hours per week is not unusual, and I just started attending school full time in January"

Excuses, excuses. Once you start using them, you'll never stop. This week job, next week school, next week something else. Big deal. We all have time commitments. WE ALL HAVE THEM. But you can't find 10 minutes in your day to have coffee with him? 10 freaking minutes of quality time? Nothing? BS. The truth is (pause for emphasis) YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE THE TIME. Other things are more a priority for you. I don't care if it's TV or school, you have prioritized this man SO LOW in your life, you'll have time for him after you get done waxing the lint out of you butt. That's what your actions show. And actions speak louder than words. How does this sentence sound:

"I met a very kind, caring, and wonderful man for the first time in 4 years and...(I don't want to sacrifice anything to spend any time with him.)"

Your words, not mine. Oh, sure, no you really want to spend time with him. You really do, but you just can't. Nah, if you REALLY wanted to, you'd make the effort. But you don't. Soooo, either you have issues. Issues that need a shrink OR, you just aren't that into him. Either way, he should find someone that is willing to love him (read definition of love earlier in this).

Truth is probably you like the way he makes you feel about you. He is good to you, but there just isn't that spark, the same spark you get watching McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy. But you like to keep him around for selfish reasons, just in case. So how is that showing you care about him?

Can you imagine being married to you? "Oh, honey, things are really hectic, can we call a 2-week time out from each other so I can do other things more important than you? You see, you are the one thing in my life that I can sacrifice. Everything else matters a lot more and are things I can't live without. You....not so much, so I booked you a two week stay at the Red Roof Inn. Have fun...love you!"

And most of you thought our significant other should be the love of your life. If so, treat them that way and you'll never be alone.

This relationship works well for you, but if the shoe were on the other foot, it would not. Would you want to date you? I know you just want to make it sound like you aren't a bad person so you are rationalizing everything you are doing to him. You may not be a bad person in general, but you are CERTAINLY not being a good person or fair to him if this is your stance with someone you see yourself marrying. You are being selfish.
 
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