needing advice after finding out boyfriend lied and cheated.


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Funnywoman is offline Funnywoman Post #1  April 27,2010, 4:11pm
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I need advice. My boyfriend left his facebook page logged in on my computer. When I went to go on my page I saw a Chat Room that popped up on the main page between him and his ex. Right infront of me was their conversation making arrangements to get together that night. I was/still am very upset that he lied to me and told me this girl was out of the picture. She contantly texts him/ calls him, and she even harrassed me at a party a few months ago. I snooped farther and read his private messages and found that he has long-distance romantic relationship with a girl in Germany. They were sleeping together a few months ago when she was visiting the US and I was out of town.

I called him last night after I found all this out and asked him and he denied everything and just asked "Who told you this?" I told him it wasn't important that fact is that I know and I'm very upset. After I calmed down I called him again to let him know that he left his facebook logged in on my computer. So there was no denying it anymore, he said that he and the ex are friends and they occasionally get together, but there is nothing sexual. As far as the German girl I did not bring her up yet.

This morning I went back on and since last night is now pursing a new girl he met at work. Saying "It was so nice to meet you and get to know you. Why is someone like you single?" She responded a long email about how handsome he is and that she is currently looking for a relationship.
I can only imagine where this is going.

So I am thinking that since he and I have already and recently had discussions on sex, monogamy, and relationships, that I have already gotten my point across speaking to him. He told me that a girl (From my hometown) cheated on him, so he cheated on her to get back and that was how his inability to commit started.
Also he keeps a hand written letter from this same girl who cheated on him. He let me read it when we were discussing this and she tells him that she is "dangerous" and she is not looking and not wanting any relationship.

What I am thinking about doing is writing him a letter. That I want to be his only one, that I am not the girl who cheated on him. That I am not going to hurt him. And importantly that I want him to be 100% honest with me so that we can have a healthy relationship. If this does not work than I will have to stop seeing him, because I can't continue on with a man who will not commit.

I am wondering if this letter sounds like a good idea? And what are some other ideas for me to help save this relationship, or is there any hope?
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #2  April 27,2010, 4:29pm
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Funnywoman wrote :

What I am thinking about doing is writing him a letter. That I want to be his only one, that I am not the girl who cheated on him. That I am not going to hurt him. And importantly that I want him to be 100% honest with me so that we can have a healthy relationship. If this does not work than I will have to stop seeing him, because I can't continue on with a man who will not commit.

I am wondering if this letter sounds like a good idea? And what are some other ideas for me to help save this relationship, or is there any hope?
writing him a letter??
The guys a liar and cheater. You're familiar with the term "player", right? He's been caught actively pursuing 3 other women...(that you know of)and you think that you are going to change him??

Good luck with that.
Last edited by TheThinker; April 27,2010 at 4:32pm.
 
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beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #3  April 27,2010, 4:32pm
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Don't bother. You will be much better off with a guy who wants one girl and doesn't lie and cheat.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  April 27,2010, 4:35pm
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I advise kicking him to the curb and not looking back
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #5  April 27,2010, 4:40pm
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You already have hard proof of exactly how much respect he has for your relationship (i.e. none) ... and you want to sign up for the possibility of more??? Seriously?
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #6  April 27,2010, 4:53pm

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TheThinker wrote :
writing him a letter??
The guys a liar and cheater. You're familiar with the term "player", right? He's been caught actively pursuing 3 other women...(that you know of)and you think that you are going to change him??

Good luck with that.
beachgirl5 wrote :
Don't bother. You will be much better off with a guy who wants one girl and doesn't lie and cheat.
Nanette wrote :
I advise kicking him to the curb and not looking back
suzyblueeyes wrote :
You already have hard proof of exactly how much respect he has for your relationship (i.e. none) ... and you want to sign up for the possibility of more??? Seriously?
What they said. Sorry.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #7  April 27,2010, 5:04pm
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Yes. Why would you even consider keeping him around?
 
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candace1980 is offline candace1980 Post #8  April 27,2010, 5:23pm
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He can't commit because some girl cheated on him??????? That is the sorriest excuse I ever heard. Many people get cheated on and they yet figure out how to commit to the right person. He has to do better than that.

Why should you write a letter telling him that you are a good person and won't hurt him? Isn't that a given when you meet someone? He should already know all this about you if he's dated you long enough. You shouldn't have to convince him of anything.

He penetrated another girl behind your back. You should just cut him loose. You will lose all respect for yourself if you are "nice" and "forgiving".
 
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Funnywoman is offline Funnywoman Post #9  April 27,2010, 5:28pm
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The fact that what (guessing) triggered his cheating was an ex who cheated on him. And he kept her letter, I am thinking that by communicating with him that I am not that type that maybe he will stop being afraid of commitment.

All my friends are telling me to walk away, but before I leave this relationship I want to try atleast one more time before I end something that I put so much into.

Isn't there a chance he is doing this because of fears of rejection or being hurt, and self-esteem issues because of what happened to him?
 
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #10  April 27,2010, 5:31pm
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I'm with everyone else in suggesting that you drop him and don't look back.

His behavior speaks louder than his words. What he does is a better indication of who he is -- not his sweet talk, not his need to blame someone else for his inability to commit.
 
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