Question - I could not under any condition remain married to my spouse if he/she were ever unfaithful to me.


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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #1  April 27,2010, 3:38pm
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So in the midst of pre-marital counseling, I was asked this question:

"I could not under any condition remain married to my spouse if he/she were ever unfaithful to me."

I said Agree, the preferred answer is Disagree.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this matter. Here are my thoughts (yes, I had to write them all down) on why I'm at Agree at the moment:

----

I would completely lose all trust in her. Trust is the foundation of the house of which a relationship stands, and this one act would completely crumble that foundation.

Cheating is the ultimate act of selfishness. The decision to cheat is just an excuse. It’s an excuse not to work on the relationship. It’s a cop-out. It’s the easy way out. It’s a conscious decision. To cheat is a decision that goes against everything in a relationship. It’s the cowards’ way out. It’s completely disrespectful to the other person.

When we’re standing up there in front of God, the minister, our family, and our friends, and we’re making this oath on our sacred honor, we’re pledging to always love and be faithful to one another. This is a huge deal. I can’t imagine breaking that oath ever. I also can’t imagine her breaking that oath ever either. So if I were to find out that she did, well, that would just shatter me. It would shatter all my judgments and feelings about her. It would call into question my entire decision making process. It would feel like I wouldn’t be able to trust myself to make decisions, if that were to happen. I can’t even fathom how badly it would crush me if that were to happen.

I had asked a few guys I know who are married what they would do if they found out that their wife cheated on them, and all of them had some variation of getting a divorce immediately. One of them said “It would be worth half of everything I own to get rid of her… but see, I married her knowing that will never happen.” These are guys with kids, guys who have been married for years.

Even knowing that divorce would cut a average of 5-10 years off my lifespan, ruin me financially, emotionally scar me for the rest of my life, take the place where I live, require therapy, hugely increase my risk for depression, lose a great deal of friends, and greatly increase my risk of health problems, I would rather do that than be with someone who would be unfaithful and holds their sacred honor so lightly. I have more self respect than that.

I don’t even think I could stay together if I had to choose “for the kids”. It would be living a lie, and I couldn’t do that. I have a huge problem with lying in the first place. I can’t imagine living one. I don’t know what I would do here, I really don’t.

Granted, I could forgive. It would take a lot of soul-searching, but I could do that. But yes, there would be consequences.

Maybe my views are a little extreme and unforgiving, though every single guy I’ve talked to has said something similar. You might think I’m too harsh, that I should be open to forgiveness, that I should be willing to forgive a mistake. That I should be able to forgive someone who cheated once, regrets it, and asks for forgiveness. And yes, I’m aware that there are different levels of cheating, that it’s not black and white most of the time, but rather a big gray area. Stuff like emotional cheating (which is also b.s., by the way). Having sex one time vs the full-fledged affair, with secret rendezvous and so forth.

Maybe I could. I don’t know. I think I could forgive, based on love alone. I don’t know what I’d do after that though. That trust foundation would be shattered, and I don’t know if I could build it again or move on.

I would fully expect her to dump me, take half of everything I own, and make my life a living hell if I were to ever cheat on her. If the roles were reversed, and I cheated on her once, and then I asked for forgiveness from her, would I want to be forgiven? Of course I would. But I would fully expect the consequences to be as mentioned above. Heck, I wouldn’t be able to look my parents in the eye for the rest of my life, and I’m fairly certain I would hate the face in the mirror.

I can’t even picture it, it’s so anathema to me.

----

Am I completely off base here? Am I the only one who feels like this?
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #2  April 27,2010, 4:00pm
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I work extremely hard at remaining connected in the context of a relationship. If someone cheated on me without any suspicion on my part that something was awry, I would seriously question his character. I believe that what I would I do is immediately end the marriage/relationship.

That being said, I also feel that if the situation were to ever arise, I would be surprised at how differently I feel than how I anticipated I would feel. I am not saying that the end result (divorce) would not be the same, but the path would be very different than anything I may have anticipated, perhaps even ending up with forgiving my partner's transgressions.

There are too many variables to say for certain.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  April 27,2010, 4:01pm
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i can understand their reason for "disagree" being preferred.

i can only tell you that there are message boards that i read related to marriage, and there are a lot of posts about affairs. i see some that discuss how they will have a hard time trusting again, but most of them are wanting to make the marriage work. somehow. not really knowing how.

its sad.

it seems, though, that it might be different once you have a history with someone and dealing with it in reality rather than hypothetically.

it would be a deal breaker for me too. i know i would never fully trust them again.
 
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suzyque is online now suzyque Post #4  April 27,2010, 4:01pm
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I was cheated on by my husband after 17 years of marriage. While married, I probably would have said what you did so eloquently above. However, you really can never be sure how you would react until it happens to you. I desparately wanted to save my marriage and wanted to give him another chance. I waited 4 months before asking for the divorce. This was after determining that though he said he was sorry for everything, he wouldn't repent. Didn't want to give her up.
I'm not sure the statistics but I think most spouses that have been cheated on do wait around a bit especially if there are kids in the house. However, sadly only about a quarter of the marriages actually survive infidelity.
Your future wife is lucky to have a guy who feels so strongly about his vows!!
 
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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #5  April 27,2010, 4:13pm
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Mr_Right wrote :
I had asked a few guys I know who are married what they would do if they found out that their wife cheated on them, and all of them had some variation of getting a divorce immediately. One of them said “It would be worth half of everything I own to get rid of her… but see, I married her knowing that will never happen.” These are guys with kids, guys who have been married for years.
2:1 odds they [the guys] have cheated.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #6  April 27,2010, 5:12pm
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The question includes the words "under any condition" and I can think of some conditions that would make a married-but-unfaithful relationship possible.

- If both parties have agreed to an open marriage
- If both parties choose to stay together for some reason (financial, familial)
- If one party has been denied or has been disinclined to sex for a number of years but the couple continues to love each other in other ways
Last edited by annother; April 27,2010 at 5:14pm.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  April 27,2010, 5:24pm
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Mr_Right wrote :
"I could not under any condition remain married to my spouse if he/she were ever unfaithful to me."

I expect I would be fine with this, under a somewhat rare (for many people) condition.

Consider the Bill and Hillary Clinton scenario: two powerful people, with clear points of commonality, and one disposable sex-toy.

So, assume I have a suitably powerful, successful partner, who is therefore drawn to me as a mate for compatibility, and she has sex with some super hot looking guy from the gym.

Okay.

Mrs. Frog: I had sex with a super hot looking guy from the gym.

Frog: hmm?

Mrs. Frog: I had sex with a super hot looking guy from the gym!

Frog: should we go back upstairs?

Mrs. Frog: it wasn't you.

Frog: why not?

Mrs. Frog: I wanted to see what it was like?

Frog: and?

Mrs. Frog: I am still here.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #8  April 27,2010, 5:33pm
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what about a today now relationship not a made up dream fantasy one
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #9  April 27,2010, 5:40pm
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Are you addressing this question to me?

I'd venture to say my answer is to be expected, and is not at all suprising, isn't it?

If you post is to knock me, rest assured that I am disinclined to marry at all unless my prospective wife were unusually meritorious, relative to US norms.

***

An affair to have a fun sex experience is of concern only insofar as there is disease risk. An affair which is the preamble to select a new partner is a concern, but this is always a risk regardless of the affair, thus the affair is not, per se, an additional concern.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  April 27,2010, 5:59pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Are you addressing this question to me?

I'd venture to say my answer is to be expected, and is not at all suprising, isn't it?

If you post is to knock me, rest assured that I am disinclined to marry at all unless my prospective wife were unusually meritorious, relative to US norms
yes i was addressing it to you, and i have read it from you before. i was just wondering if it would be different since i dont think that you have the career status of the president of the united states. and i dont mean that to "knock you" either.
 
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