ithacana is offline ithacana Post #1  April 9,2010, 8:23pm
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Just wondering what people think of this arrangement. Sorry for the length.

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half, and we are mostly doing great. However, he has a lot of trouble sleeping, in general and especially when we share a bed. I will admit that I have always snored, though usually not badly, and I tend to fall asleep quickly, whereas it takes him much longer, so he doesn't have a chance to get to sleep before me.

I know that a good night's sleep is very important, and I don't want to prevent him from getting this, but at the same time, I hate the idea that we are not able to sleep in the same room, let alone the same bed. Generally, when I stay over, which is most weekends and sometimes during the week, one of us ends up on the couch (he always offers, but I don't feel right about not taking turns). When he goes, I feel guilty about driving him out of his own bed (he has his own place and I don't, so we're nearly always there), and just generally sad at not having him there. When I go, I feel I am doing the right thing and it's only fair, but I can't help also feeling a little resentful and concerned about what this all means for our future if we move in together, which we've been talking about doing. I have sometimes gone home when I would otherwise have stayed over, simply because I want to sleep in a bed and don't want to force him to sleep on the couch.

From a purely rational point of view, I feel like I'm overreacting here. I don't feel like he's pushing me away in any other sense-- we continue to have a great time together and get to know each other even better all the time. We still spend plenty of time in bed together before sleeping, and whoever is on the couch usually gets back into bed in the early morning, so we almost get to wake up together. There is plenty of snuggling and for the most part it doesn't interfere with our sex life. I can't really say why this bothers me so much, except that it does. It's not something I've ever really had to think about before-- I just never pictured a couple who love each other and are still attracted to each other but sleep apart. I know it happens, and I've read that some people think it can even be better for couples, but it just makes me sad, especially when I think about this as something that will never change.

We've talked about it a bit, at different times, and he just doesn't see why it's such a big deal to me. He has said, not jokingly, that we need to get a place with at least one extra bedroom, so we won't have to use the couch anymore. And he's said that part of it for him is related to having had to share a bed growing up. He also says that he had the same problem with his ex-wife, and that she was really upset by it as well. What I get from this (and, after asking him, I think this is accurate) is that even if he could resolve his current issues with insomnia, he just prefers not to share a bed, at least not most of the time.

I can basically sleep anywhere, and nothing much will keep me awake (I credit years of dealing with uncomfortable plane, bus, etc. rides by becoming unconscious as quickly as possible!) My sister, who also has trouble sleeping, is much more sympathetic to my boyfriend on this, and says that getting sleep is the most important thing and she sees nothing wrong with sleeping separately if that is what he needs to do. Part of what bothers me, however, is that he doesn't sleep well when I am not there either, so sometimes I don't really see how this makes a difference, I just feel like I am being blamed for something that happens anyway.

I don't know what to think, really. I love him very much, and just hate the idea that sharing a bed is not something we will ever do on a regular basis. It's something that I've always just taken for granted as part of being in a long-term relationship, and it's only now that it seems that the prospect is being taken away that I realize how important (for whatever, possibly irrational, reason) this is to me. The question is whether I can (or should) just get over it and readjust my image of what it means to be a "normal" couple, or whether I will never truly be satisfied with this arrangement and should be honest with him about that now. He knows it bothers me, but I don't think he realizes how much, mostly because I've been trying to see how it goes, and it is only over time that I am realizing it myself.

Logically this seems like a minor thing, but it obviously has a lot of emotional/symbolic value to me, and as we get to the point where I am thinking about spending the rest of my life with this man, my confusion about this is making me really nervous. For all the inconveniences it can have, I _like_ sharing a bed-- falling asleep next to someone, knowing that he is there when I wake up in the middle of the night, being able to touch him, even having to struggle for the blanket-- it all feels like an important part of the intimacy of truly being together as a couple. I feel like I'd be giving up something that I have always thought of as a huge part of being in a relationship.

Has anyone else had to deal with this issue? Am I making too much out of something that is purely a practical problem? Or does this seem like an indication of a fundamental incompatibility that has no good resolution? I'd really appreciate any input on this!
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  April 9,2010, 9:00pm
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Has he tried earplugs and have you tried those nose strip thingys? there is also some kind of spray stuff that is supposed to help

i have a feeling that since he doesnt seem to really mind, there is something else going on here. what i cant guess
 
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beautifulgenius is offline beautifulgenius Post #3  April 9,2010, 9:02pm
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My solution to this problem is to get him some ear plugs. That's about it. When someone is snoring and it hampers the ability to be able to get some decent sleep, you need to resort to some usual and unusual methods. My first thing would be to get some ear plugs. Have you tried using those breathing strips that you put on your nose just before you fall asleep, that are supposed to help with opening up the airways?? Have you given any thought of finding out why you snore so loudly at night?? Could it have anything to do with sleep apnea?? ( constantly interrupted sleep with a tendency to wake up at night because you can't breathe). Go to a sleeping clinic where they can observe you sleeping at night, and maybe be able to help you with different ideas or solutions to your problem.

Those are the only things I can think of for right now.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #4  April 9,2010, 9:21pm
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Two twin sized beds shoved together = one king sized bed. The two twin beds could share one king headboard. Is this something he would consider?

I would not like a relationship where my mate and I could not figure out a way to share the bed all night either. The fact that this was an issue in his first marriage should raise a flag to you. That, along with him not understanding why this is a big deal in a relationship. I think he has another issue going on other than your snoring and/or his insomnia.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  April 9,2010, 9:27pm
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JMHO here.....FWIW.....

If you can't sleep in the same bed.....there's just no future in it.

I'd cut my losses.

Sorry to be so blunt.

j8a
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  April 9,2010, 10:02pm
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I think for some couples sleeping separately can work ... but it has to not cause sorrow or alienation for either of them. It doesn't work for you.

Could you try staggering what time you go to bed? So he has a chance to fall asleep before you get there?

Earplugs.

Whitenoise: a little fountain (pet water fountains work well), a tape, a fan ...

See a doctor and see if there's anything abnormal about your nasal passages ... perhaps it's correctable?

Get a temperpedic or other mattress where one person's movements don't affect the other one.

As a last resort, perhaps 2 twin beds, even separated from each other ... at least you're in the same room.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #7  April 10,2010, 6:09am
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Have you seen the doctor to see what they suggest?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  April 10,2010, 6:46am
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You don't sleep together even on a weekend?

I would try sleeping together when he doesn't have to get up for work. See if it gets a little easier, as he gets accustomed to it.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #9  April 10,2010, 7:18am
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If one or both of you tends to toss and turn during the night, I recommend a king size bed. It's almost like sleeping apart because there is a big space between you, but you can "make the journey" to the other side too.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #10  April 10,2010, 7:32am
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beautifulgenius wrote :
Have you given any thought of finding out why you snore so loudly at night?? Could it have anything to do with sleep apnea?? ( constantly interrupted sleep with a tendency to wake up at night because you can't breathe). Go to a sleeping clinic where they can observe you sleeping at night, and maybe be able to help you with different ideas or solutions to your problem.
I agree, if you haven't been checked out, you need to.
Sleep apnea is a dangerous thing.
All the comfortable beds in the world will not stop it, if that is the cause.
 
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