Depression Destroying the Relationship


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Kaspar11 is offline Kaspar11 Post #1  April 6,2010, 1:01pm
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I've been seeing this girl for a little over 7 months now. Things have been very good up until the last month. I knew pretty early on in the relationship that she was prone to bouts of depression (she was in therapy in high school and has been back a couple of times since) and there were short spurts of it early in the relationship. It's not that she hasn't had reason to be depressed. Her dad died when she was 21, her ex died less than 18 months ago (he was an ex at the time, but she still felt guilty about it for other reasons), her mom's house (where she lives) is probably going into foreclosure and she was unemployed for a long time after being laid off as a kindergarten teacher (she now works part-time in a school library). Even with all of that, things were going very well. Most of the time, she was fun, loving and a wonderful person to be around. We'd been exclusive for the last six months, had been in "I love you" land for the last three months (she was the one who said it first) and we'd even talked about moving in together this summer.

But within the last month, her depression has gotten worse. She's exhibited all of the symptoms of clinical depression (irritability, pushing people away, feeling like she has nothing to look forward to, difficulty sleeping, reduced sex drive, etc.) and has just seemed really off. One time, we were at a wine party and I asked her if she was having a good time. She said that felt like she wanted to cry for no reason. A couple of weeks ago, she went to Northern California to visit a friend she hadn't seen in awhile and relax. She caught a cold beforehand, but seemed to have a really good time up there. But when she got back, all that she could focus on was the negative. She even said part of her wished she had just stayed home and stayed in her room instead of going on the trip.

Things really came to a head this weekend. She had encouraged me before to be more open in the relationship, and one of the things that had been bothering me was that she would often talk about her exes and how badly they treated her (which they did - her friends have told me more than once that it was nice to see her finally date a guy that treated her well). I asked her to please stop dwelling on the past and focus on the future. She got upset about it and said that she only did it to be honest and upfront with me, that it showed that she can't even do that without hurting me and that I might be happier with someone who appreciates and respects me. I told her that I didn't want to be with anyone else, to which she replied "then I have to question your judgment". We let it drop because we had to go over to her sister's house for dinner, but I could tell it was still bothering her. Still, we had a great time with her family (she even told them how she was planning a birthday party for me in June and that we were going to New York in July) and things seemed OK that night. She got food poisoning the next day, so I took care of her most of the day, which she said was a very sweet thing to do and that she loved me. Yesterday, though, was when it all came unhinged.

I could tell that something was bothering her all day. She had been quiet all day, and hadn't seemed interested in doing anything. We went for a walk after getting home from running errands when she opened up to me. She said that she knew that she should be happier in the relationship than she was, and that she should really feel lucky that she found a guy that can take care of her, but she was just kind of numb. She insisted that it really had nothing to do with me, and that she was "almost sure" that it was everything else going on in her life that had sapped her ability to be more of a participant in the relationship. I told her that I thought that she was depressed and she said "I know I'm depressed". She couldn't really pinpoint a reason for it, other than she felt like there was no hope for her and that every decision she had made in her life was wrong. She said that there were times when she was out with friends or with me when she wished that she could have been back in her room by herself, and that the only time she felt at ease these days was when she was in the library shelving books with no one else around. She really hated the person that she had become, who was constantly criticizing and snapping at others and who couldn't be happy in any situation. Throughout the whole conversation, she insisted that I had been a wonderful boyfriend and that the problems had nothing to do with me.

Her solution was to take a break for the relationship and test the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" theory. I told her I didn't think that was a good idea, since a) we'd just gone a week without seeing each other and b) I knew that she would just sink deeper into her shell. I asked her if she wanted the relationship to work and she said that she definitely did, but something had to change on her end for that to work. She also didn't want to hurt me or pull me down with her, so she wondered if maybe the break would let me realize that I would be happier with somebody else. I reiterated again that, stubborn though it may sound, I didn't want anybody else. We'd had a lot of good times together and I knew that the girl I fell in love with was still there. When I asked what her heart wanted, she at first said "my heart isn't saying anything right now". I pressed a bit and she said that her heart wanted things to be easy and didn't want to feel so bad about hurting me. I told her that it was obvious that she still cared for me, or we wouldn't be having this conversation and she wouldn't worry so much about hurting me. I brought up going to see somone professionally, and that I would help her out financially (she doesn't have insurance) or even go with her if that's what was needed. She balked at that, saying that she didn't want to feel guilty about me paying if the relationship didn't work out, and most of what she would talk about with the therapist wouldn't be about me, so I didn't need to be there.

When we got back to my place, my emotions finally got the better of me. I told her that I loved her and that she meant the world to me. I said that I didn't want to lose her over this and that the relationship really just felt right to me, even with everything that was going on. I asked her if she loved and she said that she thought she did, but things were so screwed up in her head that she wasn't sure of anything anymore. At this point, she was crying and I was on the verge. She asked how I was feeling and I told her that it was a confused, helpless, frustrated feeling to know that the woman I love is in such pain and that the relationship could end because of it, and it seemed like there was nothing I could do about it. She apologized for putting me into this position, telling me it wasn't my fault and that it wasn't fair for such a good guy to be in such a bad situation. I hugged her tight and told her again "I don't want to lose you".

She seemed to feel better after we talked. I think she felt like she had finally gotten it out there into the open. I, on the other hand, felt awful. She told me that everything would be OK, to which I replied that I just wish someone would tell me what OK was. We agreed to not talk today (we usually talk every night) and that we would meet on Thursday. She also said that she wanted to work things out between us. She even joked at the end that she was leaving her toothbrush at my place, which "has to be a good sign". I took her back to her place and, as we were making out in the driveway to say goodbye, she said "we're going to see each other again, so don't make this such a dramatic goodbye". I smiled and told her I didn't want to seem like I couldn't live without her. I just asked for one favor: whatever decision she made, she needed to make for the right reason.

I really at this point don't know what to do or how to feel. Part of me is saying that I should just get out of the relationship and find someone without this much baggage. I know that there's stress in all relationships, but this has been an extremely difficult thing to deal with, and I often wonder long-term if things will get any better. It also concerns me greatly that she seems intent on pushing me out of the relationship, though I've heard that that's something depressed people do. On the flipside, I also know that the girl that I fell in love with is in there wanting to get out. I know that it won't be easy, but I don't want to abandon her when it seems like she needs somebody there for her the most. I almost want to view yesterday's talk as a good thing, as I think we both said some things that needed to be said. I also take some comfort in the fact that she's opening up to me more and more lately (she had been very hesitant to before that) and that I'm one of the only people that she's confided in about this (the others are her mom and her sister). The fact that, as I mentioned before, she was still telling people about the birthday party in June and trip to New York in July means she's still thinking this could work. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic here, but I take all of that as a sign that she's really serious about working things out, but I'm not really sure of that. The only thing in this whole situation that I am sure of is that she needs professional help ASAP.

Sorry for the novel, but I need help. Am I going about this the right way? Should I even continue to pursue a relationship with the girl or bail out like she seems to want me to? I love her to death, but I don't want to stick around if this is going to just lead to more pain. Finally, how do I get her to seek professional help? That's honestly my priority right now, as, even if things don't work out between us, I still want her to get well. Any guidance you can give me on this would be greatly appreciated.
 
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cleanslate is offline cleanslate Post #2  April 6,2010, 1:26pm
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I understand your dilemma, but I really think you need to take care of yourself first and foremost, and she is not good for you.

Are you willing to sign up for a lifetime of being her caretaker and riding her emotional rollercoaster? Because that is what you're in for. If not, then there is no time like the present to end the relationship, but tell her that you will still be her friend when she needs someone to talk to.

You deserve to find someone who will give as much to you as you give to her. And this girl is not able to fill that role. She needs to work on herself, and perhaps seek therapy and medication, before she's ready to be in a serious relationship. There are clinics and resources that will help her cover the costs of help.
Last edited by cleanslate; April 6,2010 at 1:29pm.
 
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talldrinkowater is offline talldrinkowater Post #3  April 6,2010, 4:11pm
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Since your main question is asking how to get her to seek professional help, that is all I am going to address since that is the place she will get the best guidance....not from random people on a public forum.

To get her started in the right direction, most employers have an Employee Assistance Program. The employee goes to see a certain group of therapists, the employer never knows which employees are using the service, only that X number have used it in a certain time period. The number of covered sessions varies by employers, but it at least gets her in the door.

Second, she doesn't want to accept money from you....so, how about talking to her mom/family? Give/loan them the money to give/loan to her....or, if she's been established with a therapist through the Employee Assistance Program (or even one in the past), pay for some sessions and have her family tell her they have covered X number of sessions.
 
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FredFarkel is offline FredFarkel Post #4  April 6,2010, 4:50pm

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I am hurting for you man... but not enough to mention this old worn out cliche'.

And that would be:




"Life is too short."




Run.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  April 6,2010, 5:19pm
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You take a risk in either choice.

(Dumping her and finding someone new doensn't end risk, and just because a new partner doesn't have this downside, doesn't mean she won't have others.)

I don't think there is much you can do to get a person to get professional support, if they do not choose it (and have the money to pay for it.)
 
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jennyfer is offline jennyfer Post #6  April 6,2010, 6:01pm
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As someone who has had depression, and who has at times tried to push people away, but has also managed to have stable, healthy relationships with people even during bouts of depression, I would say that it is definitely worth sticking it out - at least for awhile.

Symptoms of depression come and go, sometimes lasting for days, other times weeks or months. If you see that it is seriously lasting for months and she is continually pushing you away, then it may be that you will need to walk away. Sometimes (though definitely not all the time) people can have trouble dealing with dperession when they're in a relationship because they use the other person as a crutch. Too complicate things though, sometimes having the constant reassurrance of someone who loves them can actually help to heal some of their problems and give them the strength to pull themselves through.

Making a decision to early could cost you a relationship with a wonderful person, and as long as you can remain fairly confident in yourself and not let her doubts hurt you deeply, then sticking it out for a bit shouldn't cause too many problems. (However if you are particularly sensitive or insecure then staying in the relationship may damage your own sense of self-worth, in which case you might need to end things.)

In my experience, I have had relationships end after only a short time (3-6 months), because I pushed someone away and they left, and later I regretted it. But my last relationship lasted for 3 years because early on when I started pushing, he just stubborned it out and I got through that phase in about 6-8 weeks.

There are a number of reasons that I pushed people away and they may be the same for your girlfriend. Things like, "I don't deserve this", "No one could put up with me once they really know me", "It's going to end anyway, better to hurt a little now than alot later", "I'm going to hurt you in the end, so I'm saving you from myself". All of these thoughts are irrational and are part of the cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies of depression.

Sometimes a person needs professional help to see the situation objectively and learn how to deal with the irrational thoughts and behavous. Other times they'll get through it on their own. And really you can't push someone towards professional help, although trying to come up with other options, like the suggestion of EAP or other community-based help may work.

So, an essay in response to your novel! But really my advice is to stick it out as long as you can, without putting your own emotions at risk.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #7  April 6,2010, 6:19pm
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Kaspar, I feel for you. There is no easy answer, as you already know. I'm not sure where you live, but most places there are community mental health cooperatives that can assist with treatment. Many times, they will do this at no charge or on a sliding scale based on income. As others have mentioned, many employers offer Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) free of charge or at a reduced price.

"She couldn't really pinpoint a reason for it, other than she felt like there was no hope for her and that every decision she had made in her life was wrong. "
This is probably true. I have dealt with depression personally and most times when things are getting bad, I couldn't tell you why at that time. In hindsight, I can usually identify one or more triggers, however, sometimes there doesn't seem to be a good reason. It sounds as if she's had some major stressors in her life. Any one of those can be a trigger. When several happen at once, it's very difficult to keep going.

I would think the important thing for both of you would be to take it one day at a time. If she is able to get the help she needs, you may both see a major change for the better.

Good luck to both of you.
 
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skitermon is offline skitermon Post #8  April 6,2010, 7:19pm
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Kaspar11 wrote :
Am I going about this the right way? Should I even continue to pursue a relationship with the girl or bail out like she seems to want me to?
I have been in a relationship with someone who was heavily depressed because she had one hel of a life. If they don't get help, it WILL get worse... A LOT WORSE.

If you have EAP or counseling, maybe you can go. This way you show her you are for real and you get the help support that you need to help her. If you do not help yourself, you cannot help her.

After a session or two, the counselor will suggest bringing her into the mix. After that, once your EAP sessions end, you can pay if you like counselor , use sessions from her employer or find another provider.

Like everyone else has said, if she doesn't want to get help, you need to leave. Sorry. Good luck. Keep us posted.
Last edited by skitermon; April 6,2010 at 7:22pm.
 
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Kaspar11 is offline Kaspar11 Post #9  April 6,2010, 8:56pm
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Thank you all for replying and for the advice. This definitely has been on my mind all day, and the posts here have helped to give things some clarity. I'm glad I've gotten a wide range of opinions, and very glad that people who have gone through what she's gone through have chimed in with their own experiences. It's helped to further frame things up in my mind. I also had dinner with a friend tonight who knows her a little, and who is also going through a tough time right now. He said that it sounds like she doesn't think she has control over any of her other stressors, so she's trying to sabotage the one thing that she does have control over because it's all she can do right now. But she doesn't totally want to walk away, so she won't pull the trigger herself. He also said that, from what he knows of her and what I told him, she wants to fix things, but doesn't know how. He did agree though that she needs help though, and that we can't fix things if she doesn't get it.

What I'm going to do on Thursday when we meet up is lay everything out on the table for her. The main goal is to convince her that she needs to get help ASAP and to figure out how to get it for her. I do have EAP at my job (more on that in a second) and I'm trying to find out if she can get it through hers. Hopefully we can come up with a strategy to get her the help that she needs. The secondary goal is to make sure that she does want to work on our relationship and not just pull the plug. I'm 75% certain that she does but, if she doesn't, I still want to make sure that she knows that I'll be there for her as a friend while she's getting through this. I definitely want to work on things and get back the girl I fell in love with, but I'm going to make it very clear to her that I will not stick around if she's not willing to get professional help. As some of you said, without help, things will get much, much worse.

I took a couple of steps last night and today that I think will help. First, since I usually can write my thoughts more clearly than I can speak them, I wrote a letter to her last night imploring her to seek help, but have not sent it to her. I'm going to use that as a basis for my talk with her on Thursday. I might even read it word for word, as it's going to be better than anything I can say off the top of my head. Second, as skitermon suggested, I made an appointment today with a therapist through my EAP for next week. She's either going to help me cope with being in a relationship with someone who is depressed or she's going to help me deal with losing my girl. Either way, I'm taking the step of getting myself back into therapy so I can understand better how to deal with things, either for this time or for the future.

Again, thank you all for your replies. I feel much better now than I did today. If you have any other suggestions, please post them, as I need all the help I can get. I'll let you all know how things turn out!
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #10  April 7,2010, 3:52am
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I'm sorry, but I see this situation from a different perspective.

You see the depression as the cause ...

I see it as possible that she's simply wanting out of the relationship with you and doesn't know how to go about doing it without hurting you ...so, in effect, the guilt of that is causing the depression. She probably really does 'care' about you, but can't find herself "in love" with you.

Either way, I don't see that you have much of a choice in this matter at all ...call it whatever you want and justify it however you need, but the fact of the matter is, she doesn't want you in her life anymore.

You can't 'fix' someone who doesn't want to be fixed; you can't 'rescue' someone who doesn't want to be rescued. She doesn't ...not by you anyways.

Listen to what she is telling you ...
 
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