Breakup by going back to previous boyfriend


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Confused55 is offline Confused55 Post #1  March 30,2010, 4:51am
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I'm a generally confident 55 year old guy who finally got divorced after my children were grown and started to date. I met a 45 year old woman who had all the qualities that I was looking for, and it flourished into a warm, intimate, romantic relationship. Details that are important would be that we only got together when her ex had the children (ages 10 -12 -15). We spent days together, weekends, dates out to dinners, evenings at home. No other dates that I knew about. All good. The chemistry was great, connection unbelievable, and daily calls, texts, and discussion brought us very close together during the ten months we were in this relationship.

Then she lost her job. Then her ex lost his job and stopped paying his child support. Money became her serious problem - no savings to fall back on. I encouraged her to utilize the courts, helped with sorting out her issues (just talking together - no contact with the ex or court for me) and helped her search for a new job. I gave her a few thousand dollars to help her get by, then a few months later, when the heat bill went unpaid, and her home was cold, I paid the 3 month bill so her family would be comfortable.

Then she asked me to lend her $5,000 to pay some back bills for her children, get a new (used) car because her lease was up, etc. I gave her $1700 to cover the bills that would have gone to a collection agency, but told her that I really wanted her to have her own independence because she really didn't want to subrogate herself to me (her ex held back money as a tool to get her to serve him - in many different ways - very nasty). This caused a difficult discussion about not having my faith in her, (she had other loans from the former boyfriend - still unpaid - i found out later ) but this seemed to be resolved when we discussed it and she knew that wanted her to succeed on her own and wanted to help her, but not be a money bailout for her. Yes I had the money, but didn't want her to be dependent and beholden.

I went to visit cousins for ten days over the Christmas holidays, talked and texted with her the whole time, and came back to a lunch date where she told me that she "didn't want to date me anymore", but valued and cherished my friendship. "I had helped her so much". But she had gotten back together with the former (one year previous) boyfriend - and "the heart knows what the heart knows". She said that I'm very close to her, and hoped we could still be friends.

I graciously accepted her decision - but told her that I was upset due to my feelings for her, paid for lunch, kissed her politely on the cheek and wished her well. I didn't hear from her for almost three weeks, when she started to call "just to say hi" and stay in touch. We met once or twice for drinks after work, and occasionally lunch as friends - awkward for me - but seemed better than not at all given the "blindsided" way that I received the breakup.

She did find a decent sales job, and calls me frequently to talk about it, sometimes discussing the details of office politics and training, and sometimes just venting about the difficulty of closing deals in this difficult enviornment.

I did bring the conversation around to what had happened between us - during a face to face luncheon - and she said very nice things about me, but that she just doesn't feel romantically inclined towards me. She agreed that we're "tight, but not tight" in our relationship and doesn't quite know how to define it. She acknowledged that she's still not sure what she feels for this boyfriend even though he has professed his love for her (which I did not do). She says he's talking marriage, but she's not interested, and he also doesn't have a relationship with her children - though in her own words, "he has made me part of his (grown children) family and extended family, but he's not part of mine".

I started dating another woman, and continue to do so - she's very nice, but after six weeks it's not the same kind of feelings. I don't think it's going to last long - wouldn't be fair to lead her along.

So my question is: How do I resolve this in myself? I still have feelings for this woman, and she obviously likes me as well, but no longer romantically, and is romantically involved with this new (former) boyfriend. She still calls me about once a week, more often when she's in "crisis" at work or about her situation with her ex, and does inquire about me and my well being.

Is it just time to cut off all "friendship"? I'm still uncomfortable about the breakup, and am having mixed arguments with myself about what had happened and what I would do if she wanted to "come back". But I do know that's just in my head. Am I just having "first love after 25 years of marriage" issues that i should just discard and move on? Or just lighten up and let it play out?

Interesting to be in this position at this age. Thanks to all who have comments.
 
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Confused55 is offline Confused55 Post #2  March 30,2010, 4:52am
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Hard to figure out.
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #3  March 30,2010, 5:45am
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Sounds like you were her "sugar daddy". I'm sorry you developed feelings for this woman, it must have hurt pretty bad to get dumped that way, especially after all you did for her. I suspect she uses men to get what she needs and then moves on when she wants something or someone else.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #4  March 30,2010, 6:25am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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wrote :
I gave her a few thousand dollars to help her get by, then a few months later, when the heat bill went unpaid, and her home was cold, I paid the 3 month bill so her family would be comfortable.

Then she asked me to lend her $5,000 to pay some back bills for her children, get a new (used) car because her lease was up, etc. I gave her $1700 to cover the bills that would have gone to a collection agency,
It's pretty clear that she used you, right?

wrote :
She still calls me about once a week, more often when she's in "crisis" at work or about her situation with her ex...
and ...it's pretty clear that she's continuing to use you, right? (this time for emotional and ego support - although there is likely going to come a time when she's going to ask you for more money).

Stop being this woman's doormat. There is no future here for you, no matter how 'supportive' you are.

Cut her off ...then get thee to court and get your money back.
 
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Joti is offline Joti Post #5  March 30,2010, 6:54am
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There is no polite way to say this. You were used as a "sugar daddy". The minute you stopped paying she dropped you. Her other bf is probably not paying her bills so she wants to test the waters with you to see if you have changed your mind about supporting her money needs. Move on.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  March 30,2010, 7:30am
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You kind of took on the role of husband (paying bills, help with problems). Perhaps you are very used to being "husband" so it seemed normal to you?

In reality, you were not husband, you were boyfriend. Boyfriends come and go, and relationships end. It sounds like this one has.

The way you presented it, it does sound like she used you, and dumped you when you stopped playing/paying. And perhaps she's keeping you "on tap" in case she needs $ again.

But it might not be that way. It could be just ... a relationship that didn't work longterm, at least for her.

Let it go. With the next one, remember you're dating, you're not married.
 
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Confused55 is offline Confused55 Post #7  March 30,2010, 8:13am
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Thanks to all. I'm OK with the Sugar Daddy label, probably true, but I think Sassafras54 nailed it. Specifically - remember you're dating, you're not married, boyfriends come and go..... Bingo!
 
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lonelygirl0420 is offline lonelygirl0420 Post #8  March 30,2010, 11:13am
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Confused55 wrote :
Thanks to all. I'm OK with the Sugar Daddy label, probably true, but I think Sassafras54 nailed it. Specifically - remember you're dating, you're not married, boyfriends come and go..... Bingo!

no offense but i wouldn't have given her any money to begin with. I would have said look i'm not here to bail you out money wise. it's sad that people have to be like that and that would have been a warning flag for me. i would have broken contact with them immediately. now i know that you have feelings for her and that makes it tough. but i would rather have a heartache then be poor because i was helping someone with money issues. and being a woman i would never ever ask my boyfriend for money if having money issues. as in the safety tips for eharmony they say never ever give money to someone who asks for it, for those people pray on vunerable people looking for a relationship. i read this and my heart goes out to you. you found out the hard way.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #9  March 30,2010, 4:19pm

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I'm glad you're ok with that Sugar Daddy role...it's kind of you to not display bitterness about the money you lent/gave her.

One of the things thats said quite a bit in answer to these types of "What the hack happened?" threads .....is Who the heck knows.

It might be complex-a machiavellian plot on her part to fleece you of as much money as she could-though thats doubtful. It could be that she came to expect more financial support from you and was disappointed when you didn't loan her the $5K and perhaps the ex boyfriend did.

Or is could be that she just re-discovered her heart belonged to the ex but wants you as a stop gap shoulder to cry on should she need one. I wouldn't be surprised if she came back making sounds about having goofed by breaking up with you either.

In any case, your former lady friend seems to want everything but not willing to give up anything. She wants your friendship and the ex to be a boyfriend also.
It may be hard for you to move on, if thats what you want, with this woman hanging around. Many of us feel like a clean break is the best way to end a relationship. Seems that someone loses even more in the Can we be friends? arena...usually the person who got left behind.

One more thing-it's good you're dating, but this new not quite right woman is your rebound date. She might be perfect for you (or not) but while you're rebounding,you could be matched with an ideal partner and not recognize it. This seems to happen no matter how old we are. Try just dating for fun for a while and see if you can get over your sadness with the loss. I know you didn't express sadness, I think I read it between the lines.

Believe me-there are many many women your age out here in datingland waiting for a nice guy like you to be matched with,

Better luck next time!
Roxy
 
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mustangace is offline mustangace Post #10  March 30,2010, 11:25pm
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Confused55 wrote :


Am I just having "first love after 25 years of marriage" issues that i should just discard and move on? Or just lighten up and let it play out?

comments.
She is trying to keep you hooked (engaged in her drama) so that if she should need to use you for financial reasons, she might be able to pull that card again. Kind of like having insurance. It's definitely not good for you. Slowly back away and become less and less available to her. You need, if you want a good, healthy relationship, to continue your search. You will never be happy with this person - you will NEVER get what you want or need.

Believe me, I've been in a similar situation. It's all a waste of time, time you could use to find a great person for yourself.
 
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