eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  March 24,2010, 11:53am

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Hi Everyone,

Recently, I ran into a friend who said that she was getting divorced after 10+ years of marriage and 2 kids. I let her know that I was sad to hear that. (I had always thought of them as a happy couple.)

She responded, “Oh no, we’re both really excited about this! We can’t wait! It’s been a long time in coming and we both feel the same about it.” This response really surprised me and left me with mixed feelings.

Well, I’m happy that they’re not dismayed, but I wonder how this will affect their kids – will it be better for them? I don’t actually know what their private life was like – whether or not it was filled with discord and hostility or just complacency.

Thoughts?

~Kate
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Spider is offline Spider Post #2  March 24,2010, 12:21pm
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My own divorce was fairly amicable - at least there were never any harsh words between us about it. The Ex wasn't at all surprised when I broached the subject of separation; he helped me move, let me use his laundry room until I moved again (and then he gave me a living room set, to boot). I handled all the divorce papers and filings, and let him know how that was progressing.

Our kids were older, in their twenties. When we called to tell them about the separation, their response was that they weren't surprised and wished us both well. - And I think that's the key to whether "the children" will handle it well or not. If the parents are not attacking each other, and make it clear that they are taking a step toward something better, then even younger kids should be okay. Happy parents who let their kids know that they are loved will have kids who can adapt well to changing circumstances.
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  March 24,2010, 3:10pm

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It sounds like you had the best possible of all circumstances – even to the point of your ex helping you move – wow, that’s nice. And your kids being older might help the custody issue out a lot, too. So often (from friends and just in general) I hear how contentious it can be.

I wonder how common it is for kids to feel secure and loved through this process? Maybe there are more resources and supports out there these days to help people walk through the process and know how to field the issues.

Thanks for sharing, Spider!

~Kate
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  March 24,2010, 4:11pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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eH_Advice_Host_Kate wrote :
She responded, “Oh no, we’re both really excited about this! We can’t wait! It’s been a long time in coming and we both feel the same about it.” This response really surprised me and left me with mixed feelings.

Well, I’m happy that they’re not dismayed, but I wonder how this will affect their kids – will it be better for them? I don’t actually know what their private life was like – whether or not it was filled with discord and hostility or just complacency.
I think oftentimes married people can have a false image of what singledom must be like. In the abstract, to a married person it might conjure up images of partying, freedom from responsibility and getting limitless attention from fantastic members of the opposite sex. The reality is quite different. I'll bet a few years post-divorce this couple's 'excitement' will have become something quite different.
 
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Spider is offline Spider Post #5  March 24,2010, 4:28pm
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jayjay wrote :
I think oftentimes married people can have a false image of what singledom must be like. In the abstract, to a married person it might conjure up images of partying, freedom from responsibility and getting limitless attention from fantastic members of the opposite sex. The reality is quite different. I'll bet a few years post-divorce this couple's 'excitement' will have become something quite different.
*shrug* I was thrilled to be divorced. But even after 30 years of marriage, I had no illusions about being single. I expected to be poorer, lonelier, and go through a bit of depression.

Instead, I found that I loved (in fact, needed) some daily solitude, and that I could budget my single income better than we'd budgeted our double income. I loved living alone. I didn't feel that I needed to date or socialize - but paradoxically, I was more socially active than I'd been before.

If I hadn't met the Sweetie, I'd still be single and quite content to be on my own.
 
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