Becoming more than friends and online dating


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
janettajayne is offline janettajayne Post #1  March 18,2010, 5:11pm
janettajayne's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2010

Posts: 12

See profile

Please read this entire post before replying because the situation is much to difficult to explain in the title.

Two and a half months ago, a friend and I discovered we had feelings for each other. We didn't have sex because we didn't want to ruin our friendship. We did however fool around, for lack of better terms. For what it's worth, he's 42 and I'm 27, but we've always clicked and gotten along really well.

After that, we got much closer. We started texting/talking every day, hanging out more, etc. We were never actually dating, but it often felt like it and if anyone was looking in from the outside they would probably think we were.

Well, Sunday of last week, we spent almost the entire day together. This was the first time we'd spent that much time together at once, really doing nothing. He helped me out on a project, we got coffee, and lots of other stuff. Monday we went shopping and to a lecture at the university. We had a great time, as always. He makes me laugh and we even get together when he's feeling blue, which he used to not do with me or anyone else, and he says it makes him feel better. He often sends me good morning texts, etc As far as kissing, touching, etc. we don't really do that much when we go out and we've both been so busy that we haven't gotten together at home in awhile.

That said, a few days later I noticed he was acting different. Still responding to my texts but not all of them like he usually does, not texting as much, etc. He just seemed distracted. I thought maybe he was seeing someone, which was fine because we aren't dating. I'd been thinking about reactivating my profile on one of the dating websites just to take my mind off him because it doesn't seem like the relationship is going anywhere (of course not, we aren't dating), so I'm browsing and who do I find but him.

Like I said, it's not a big deal but I would like to know and I think this is the point where we have to make a decision to stop acting like we are dating and either do it or not. So, I wrote him a letter that I plan on giving to him in person. I've held a lot back from him because I knew we weren't dating and I didn't think it was appropriate. That said, he doesn't know how I really feel about him. I'm almost afraid to say anything for fear it will mess things up. We are still talking almost every day like we always have. I even got a good morning text from him this morning.

Anyhow, my fear is that he's thinking the same thing I am and doing the online dating because he doesn't think our relationship is going anywhere because I'm not interested. So, I wrote everything down just to let him know how I feel - that I am interested and incredibly happy with him, minus the holding back, etc. since we aren't technically dating. I'm not going to tell him I want to be a couple. I'm just going to make him aware of how I feel so that I don't ever go back and wonder "what if?"

So, my question is should I mention that I think he's seeing someone and that I'm not mad or anything but I would like to know, or just let that part be?
 
  Reply With Quote
ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #2  March 18,2010, 5:32pm
ami1uwant's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Feb 2008

Seattle, WA

Posts: 4,137

See profile

This is tough....how long have you been friends?

Do you two work together in the same office (as if he is your boss) or just at the same location?

What kind of fooling around was this...was it flirting or was there more like kissing and hugging?

This is where you need to sit down with him face to face and decide what you two want to do...do you want to persue a relationship or just be friends.

It sounds like you two were in the friend zone and this happened and this could be awkward or even dangerous to the friendship.

The fact he happens to have a profile on this website doesnt mean anything...this could be a dead account.

Also him not talking much to you the past few days could also mean he is really unsure with this.

I think he was a fraid as were you in sticking your neck out to persue a relationship forming.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #3  March 18,2010, 5:34pm
jayhawkgirl's Avatar

is back to square one

Pacesetter

Joined: Oct 2008

Posts: 405

See profile

First, I think you should talk to him, rather than write in a letter. So much can be lost without the non-verbal aspect of communication. Do you really want to risk the possibility of miscommunication, with something this important?

Second, in order to answer your questions, what do you hope to gain by telling him you suspect he's seeing someone else? Your motive has a lot to do with how I would answer the question.

However, I guess if it were me, I wouldn't mention that you suspect he is seeing someone else. I would simply state your feelings and your hopes/expectations for your relationship, and that can include that you are not interested in seeing other people. Then let him take it from there.
 
  Reply With Quote
janettajayne is offline janettajayne Post #4  March 18,2010, 5:45pm
janettajayne's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2010

Posts: 12

See profile

ami1uwant wrote :
This is tough....how long have you been friends?

Do you two work together in the same office (as if he is your boss) or just at the same location?

What kind of fooling around was this...was it flirting or was there more like kissing and hugging?

This is where you need to sit down with him face to face and decide what you two want to do...do you want to persue a relationship or just be friends.

It sounds like you two were in the friend zone and this happened and this could be awkward or even dangerous to the friendship.

The fact he happens to have a profile on this website doesnt mean anything...this could be a dead account.

Also him not talking much to you the past few days could also mean he is really unsure with this.

I think he was a fraid as were you in sticking your neck out to persue a relationship forming.
We've been friends for a little less than a year. We don't work together though. It's on another dating site and he's had the profile since August and last logged in last night. I think we are both afraid of the situation. He's been called jaded in the past and I could easily be that way but I try my best not to be.
 
  Reply With Quote
janettajayne is offline janettajayne Post #5  March 18,2010, 5:59pm
janettajayne's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2010

Posts: 12

See profile

jayhawkgirl wrote :
First, I think you should talk to him, rather than write in a letter. So much can be lost without the non-verbal aspect of communication. Do you really want to risk the possibility of miscommunication, with something this important?

Second, in order to answer your questions, what do you hope to gain by telling him you suspect he's seeing someone else? Your motive has a lot to do with how I would answer the question.

However, I guess if it were me, I wouldn't mention that you suspect he is seeing someone else. I would simply state your feelings and your hopes/expectations for your relationship, and that can include that you are not interested in seeing other people. Then let him take it from there.
I decided to write it down because I'm sure I'll have a billion thoughts going through my head and will probably forget something and I don't want to do that. I've thought about reading it out loud to him but not sure if I want to do that either. Regardless, I want to be present when he reads it.

You're right about my motives and it's something I've thought long and hard about. Honestly, I'm not really sure what it is. I know part of me wants to know for sure, so that I can start to get the notion of us being together out of my head. But, that can almost be done without adding that part to what I have to say. Idk, I can't come up with another reason.

Although I think you're right. I probably will leave it out. It's a positive letter and I think adding that to the end will add darkness to it. I'm not even asking him for anything. I just want him to know so that in case he is interested, he knows I am too.
 
  Reply With Quote
janettajayne is offline janettajayne Post #6  March 18,2010, 6:01pm
janettajayne's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2010

Posts: 12

See profile

ami1uwant wrote :

What kind of fooling around was this...was it flirting or was there more like kissing and hugging?
I think I forgot to answer this question. It was more like kissing and hugging, in fact, even a little more than that. We pushed it to the limit without having sex, just put it that way.
 
  Reply With Quote
Nanette is offline Nanette Post #7  March 18,2010, 6:20pm
Nanette's Avatar

~ giving gentle smack-downs... vewy vewy gentle

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 7,438

See profile

I find that most guys in their 20s are really sweet and open. They are easy to befriend and like to talk. I find this to be true for guys up until maybe their early 30s and it starts to decline.

I wouldn't take the attention and "chemistry" or how well you get along with a young guy very seriously. I wouldn't consider the kissing or whatever very significant, and I wouldn't pursue anything romantic with him, to be honest.
 
  Reply With Quote
ThePriestess is offline ThePriestess Post #8  March 18,2010, 6:28pm
ThePriestess's Avatar

It's a glow-in-the-dark compass ring, so you don't get lost.

Sage

Joined: Apr 2008

Canadian POW held in Florida

Posts: 15,919

See profile

janettajayne wrote :
So, my question is should I mention that I think he's seeing someone and that I'm not mad or anything but I would like to know, or just let that part be?
If you need information, ask him. Be direct, honest, open, and non-confrontational.
 
  Reply With Quote
BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #9  March 18,2010, 6:30pm
BikerBeagle's Avatar

thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2008

Kansas

Posts: 2,548

See profile

Nanette wrote :
I find that most guys in their 20s are really sweet and open. They are easy to befriend and like to talk. I find this to be true for guys up until maybe their early 30s and it starts to decline.

I wouldn't take the attention and "chemistry" or how well you get along with a young guy very seriously. I wouldn't consider the kissing or whatever very significant, and I wouldn't pursue anything romantic with him, to be honest.
Um ...
janettajayne wrote :
For what it's worth, he's 42 and I'm 27
 
  Reply With Quote
Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  March 18,2010, 6:33pm
Nanette's Avatar

~ giving gentle smack-downs... vewy vewy gentle

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 7,438

See profile

i need sleep. thanks for pointing that out!
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Frustrated To Say The Least | Relationships | Do men really do this? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Self-esteem in Online Dating tincup Dating 25 November 10,2009 8:17pm
have you turned down friends in eH advice and why? pussinboots Using eHarmony 23 July 23,2009 10:18am
Women are not used to rejection (per EH & online dating) outlaw1 A Man's Point of view 11 July 17,2009 12:24am
is online dating a good idea? ssluvtravel Dating 10 July 4,2009 8:38pm
Having Friends DennisWisconsin A Man's Point of view 3 May 24,2009 8:54am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 7:03am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0