Your thoughts on successfully blending families...


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sodone is offline sodone Post #1  March 18,2010, 4:02am
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Just so y'all know, my thinking about this is probably premature, but what can I say? I'm a planner

My bf and I have children who are young adults, my daughter and one of his are in college. He recently had a chat with his girls and told them that his relationship with me was serious. I have a very good relationship with him, and them, and so was surprised to hear that they had reservations.

They expressed their concerns that my daughter would share in his attention and that there would less for them. He, of course, reassured them, but this has made me wonder about potential difficulties and how best to deal with them. My bf and I are in a ldr and have been discussing moving in together at some point. Since our kids are grown I hadn't really considered that they might have issues with this.

I would love to hear your thoughts on how to successfully blend families. They are all good kids, so we don't have behavioral issues to deal with. But this is the first relationship I have had since my divorce 15 years ago that has reached this point and I have no experience with this. Anyone care to share words of wisdom?

Thanks in advance
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  March 18,2010, 4:51am
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I dont know that I have any words of wisdom but I can speak from experience....

It's not easy, no matter what their age and no matter what is said. My exes kids were well behaved.... in fact I am still in touch with his daughter pretty regularly.

I would discuss them with your bf in terms of how they will fit into your lives. You dont say if you hang out with them a lot all together, but I would try to get some time in with all of you to see what the dynamic will be between you and your bf with the kids present. Get as much of this time in as possible. This might sound weird but how your bf acts with all of you together when he is under pressure will matter too.

My suggestions might sound arbitrary and weird, but believe me they matter.

Good luck
 
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sodone is offline sodone Post #3  March 18,2010, 5:55am
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Thanks Nanette, I always like what you have to say

Actually, we have spent lots of time together. It's all been very fun and easy-going and I think that's why I was suprised to hear about their concerns. I am going to chat with my daughter too, though I don't think she feels the same way. She mostly seems very happy for me and enjoys spending time with us while my bf is over. I think she's happy to be included because in all of the years I dated this is the first bf she's met, lol.

Maybe I'll keep baking them lots of cookies
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  March 18,2010, 9:37am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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sodone wrote :
They expressed their concerns that my daughter would share in his attention and that there would less for them.
I wouldn't be surprised if 'attention' here might really mean 'inheritance'.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  March 18,2010, 1:29pm
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They are adults and unless he spends more than a few hours with them each week I'm confused at the amount of attention issue. More likely they are worried that he will be so focused on you. Since you are in a LDR it is reasonable to think that you two don't get much time together now. When you do move in together you will have a monopoly on his time.

And do discuss it with your daughter as well. My parents just threw us kids together and expected the magic of the Brady Bunch to take over. They readily admit their mistake now.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  March 18,2010, 3:50pm
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sodone wrote :
Thanks Nanette, I always like what you have to say

Actually, we have spent lots of time together. It's all been very fun and easy-going and I think that's why I was suprised to hear about their concerns. I am going to chat with my daughter too, though I don't think she feels the same way. She mostly seems very happy for me and enjoys spending time with us while my bf is over. I think she's happy to be included because in all of the years I dated this is the first bf she's met, lol.

Maybe I'll keep baking them lots of cookies
Keep in mind with an LDR you see people usually on their best behavior and not under pressure. Likely doing something fun. Everything can change when someone is stressed.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #7  March 18,2010, 3:52pm
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jayjay wrote :
I wouldn't be surprised if 'attention' here might really mean 'inheritance'.
Dang, JayJay beat me to it ..again!
 
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sodone is offline sodone Post #8  March 19,2010, 2:44am
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JayJay and BB, y'all are harsh, lol. I don't think that's the case, but thanks for your thoughts.

And yes Nanette, I am aware of that. We have already weathered some challenging situations, and at this stage of my life I would willingly take on the risks associated with making such a move. He lives in a cool area, and I am at a stage of life where a move would be invigorating and a challenge. I am also independent, so if our relationship went south (which I doubt ) I would be fine.
 
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sodone is offline sodone Post #9  March 19,2010, 2:54am
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And since the kids are grown, I wouldn't really consider it to be throwing them together. But I see your point and will be having more than one discussion with my daughter, I think.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  March 19,2010, 6:24am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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sodone wrote :
JayJay and BB, y'all are harsh, lol. I don't think that's the case, but thanks for your thoughts.
Seriously, I've seen some people who generally seem quite nice that have become quite nasty with other family members or in-laws when squabbling over the contents of a deceased relatives possessions. I wouldn't discount this playing at least a role in the attitude of your man's daughters.
 
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