Freaking out - worst day of my life


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sodone is offline sodone Post #61  March 19,2010, 6:19am
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Why the rush? I suspect this is what you do and this sense of urgency clouds your decision making abilities. It seems you met this man shortly after your first marriage ended. Did you take a breath and evaluate what went wrong before jumping right into another relationship?

This is not the worst day of your life, this is a tricky situation that needs to be looked at and negotiated between you, your fiance and your ex. Tricky situations are not often solved in one day and need time.

You create drama by saying that you either give up custody or lose your fiance forever. How can this be true if he is really a good man. What does he have to say about this? You each have significant family obligations, and negotiation is essential in any good marriage.

I am struck by how much you are concentrating on yourself and not your son. You said this...

"My ONLY option to get what I want is to homeschool."

It's all about what YOU want and not what is good for your son. He will grow faster than you can imagine, and quite likely feel great pain if you gave up custody. Kids know when they are not the priority and they are very hurt by that. Are you looking to the future at all? Because it seems that you are so caught up in the moment that you are ignoring the big picture.

Your fiance helping you to negotiate this issue is part of the big picture and would bode well for your future together. What your son will think of your actions in the future is part of the big picture.

I may be harsh, but I am seeing very selfish behavior here. And self defeating behavior here as well. Are you looking for an excuse to give up custody so you can go off with this guy? Because that's what it looks like from here.
 
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jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #62  March 19,2010, 8:00am
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To the OP: I truly do not understand how you think you and your ex are going to adequately homeschool your child together when---in your own words---he is so angry about you marrying this new man? And you both work, correct?

Secondly, you keep referring to the number of days each of you will have with your son, as if that is the only factor (or the most important factor) in this situation. The bottom line is that moving your son farther away from his father can only be detrimental.

I have seen situations where a child only spends about 1/3 of his nights with one parent, yet that parent is able to attend all of the child's activities (sports, concerts, scouting, etc.) because they live close by, and the child has a wonderful relationship with both parents.

Making the number of days equal (or close to equal) does not automatically make it an ideal arrangement for the child. You and your ex are so fixated on what each of you wants I don't think you can truly see what is best for your son.
 
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jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #63  March 19,2010, 8:02am
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I am also curious about whether an guardian ad litem was appointed in your case? If so, what was his/her opinion about the situation?

Seems like this would be an ideal case for the appointment of a guardian ad litem since the message that comes through in your posts is that your concern is more with what you want than what is best for your son.
 
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indigo79 is offline indigo79 Post #64  March 19,2010, 8:05am
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sodone wrote :
It seems you met this man shortly after your first marriage ended. Did you take a breath and evaluate what went wrong before jumping right into another relationship?
You don't know if we were married or not. How do you know we didn't break up when I was pregnant because he was abusive? You don't.

sodone wrote :
You create drama by saying that you either give up custody or lose your fiance forever. How can this be true if he is really a good man. What does he have to say about this? You each have significant family obligations, and negotiation is essential in any good marriage.
My fiance directs a school for deaf children. He would have to quit and then try to re-establish himself down here in this economically depressed region. I guess it could work, but I would rather exhaust all other solutions first


sodone wrote :
I am struck by how much you are concentrating on yourself and not your son. You said this...

"My ONLY option to get what I want is to homeschool."
Please tell me how homeschooling your child is concentrating on me and not my son? It's something I have wanted to do long before I even had him. Getting married would make this possible. How am I being selfish because I am looking for solutions to have both my son and fiance? Do you ever make decisions based on your interests? My son could only benefit in this situation.




sodone wrote :
It's all about what YOU want and not what is good for your son. He will grow faster than you can imagine, and quite likely feel great pain if you gave up custody.
My attorney says I could "give up custody" on paper and then ask for 50/50 visitation. It's all just labels. My time (both quality and quantity) with my son would not be affected. You clearly did not read any of my posts. Perhaps the first one... maybe.

sodone wrote :
I may be harsh, but I am seeing very selfish behavior here. Are you looking for an excuse to give up custody so you can go off with this guy?
What a ridiculous statement. Did your parent up custody of you or something? You appear to be carrying around some baggage that is creating some judgemental behavior.
 
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jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #65  March 19,2010, 8:08am
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indigo79 wrote :

Yes, even patient people freak out and have bad days. Yes, this really is truly the worst day of my life. I found out the man of my dreams and I can't get married. Have you ever had something precious taken away from you?
Yes, if you read what I wrote, I said that I made many sacrifices, including relationships, while raising my sons. I have been exactly where you are, in fact, and had to end a relationship with a man I loved because it would not have been in the best interests of my boys to move them farther away from their dad (they were young at the time, like your son).

I am glad now that they are nearly grown (20 and 16) that I made that decision. Their dad passed away a couple of years ago and I'm very thankful now that they had that time with him. (He was a terrible husband, but a great father.)
 
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glengac is offline glengac Post #66  March 19,2010, 10:33am
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To the OP,

Why don't you do the moving instead of your son. Just maintain your current apartment and keep him there the week that you have him. The week that you don't have him you could spend with your fiance/husband at his place. Nothing changes in your custody agreement. Nothing changes for your son.
Last edited by glengac; March 19,2010 at 11:08am. Reason: spelling
 
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indigo79 is offline indigo79 Post #67  March 19,2010, 11:44am
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glengac wrote :
To the OP,

Why don't you do the moving instead of your son. Just maintain your current apartment and keep him there the week that you have him. The week that you don't have him you could spend with your fiance/husband at his place. Nothing changes in your custody agreement. Nothing changes for your son.
That could work, and during the summers I could take him to my husband's home to "visit" with us. During the school year I could keep him local and close to dad. It would get expensive, but I'll do anything to make this happen.

I do acupuncture, and it will affect my availability a great deal. I may have to work in 2 different states. But like I said, I'll do anything to make this happen.
 
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sqg123 is offline sqg123 Post #68  March 21,2010, 4:34pm
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jcw001 wrote :
You chose to bring a life into this world and that child depends totally on you and his Father.

The courts were spot on. They could care less about you - they care about your kid - as they should.

Your child is either your first priority or you must determine that he is not.

Sorry for the tough Love, but as your fiance feels a responsibility for his Mother, you have an equally or perhaps greater responsibility to your offspring, don't you?

You can move. You do not need to stay in the same town. It is highly likely that you can be approximately 30 minutes away and maintain 50/50. I am nealry 100% certain any Court would agree to that. It would only be a matter of where the child would attend school (which will likely have an impact on custody down the road) but that would be best sorted NOW before he starts in formal schooling.

If you and your Finace could agree to split the distance and you could find somewhere in between, it seems you both can win as can the people that you each support.

Otherwise, you have to make a choice whether to have a man who values his responsibilities fully ahead of yours or the welfare of your son.

I do understand how upsetting this must be, but my advice is to make a choice that you will truly be able to live with. Look within yourself and determine where your loyalties lie.
Good post. I know it seems harsh that the court would not allow you to move your child but what if the father wanted to move the child? Would that seem right to allow? Your boyfriend has made a choice about his responsibilities. You need to make a choice about yours. Will you be resentful down the road for having given up joint custody? It is your choice.

My ex made a choice to move away and although I was open to allowing any type visitation he did in fact give up being part of their everyday life. Visitation is not the same as custody. Custody is being there for everything from scouts, teacher conferences, play dates, daily homework, problems at school, every little dream and fear the kid has in his everyday life.

Why can't the mother move by the way? Why is it only you who can make a change or sacrifice? Why can there be no compromise? Live halfway? I understand his commitment to and love for his mother and its admirable, but really does he understand your commitment to and love for your son?
 
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